Hi everyone, I'm having rough time. In fact, I'm having a couple rough years. I am a physician, finishing my training in a medicine subspecialty. I have utterly hated my life since…..well mostly always. Don't get my wrong, I have had nice periods for sure. I've been in love, I have had amazing friendships, beautiful experiences (even some at work). But I am plagued by the fear that I am being led off a cliff and am willingly participating. I hate medicine with a passion. I challenge any doctor to tell me that they really, wholeheartedly, feel that this field (at least in the USA), isn't the most vitriolic, unhappy bunch of people that exists. The sad part is that even though I believe most of us hate our jobs passionately, there is nobody you can express this to. Doctors are conditioned to not have personal feelings, complaints, needs. We spend our days sacrificing for our patients, not having time to even urinate or eat lunch, only to be threatened by a patient with a lawsuit because I was late (because I was listening to another patient patiently) or with death because I will not provide someone with prescription for the grocery list of narcotics they have brought me. I have been sexually harassed, punched, spit on and so on…..when I stand up for myself I am told that is the wrong thing to do because it does not benefit the patient. One must always try to do whats best for the patient…..even when the patient might be a piece of shit. I am often aware of the hostile environment towards doctors in this country. People don't like us anymore. I am reminded often of how little I have learned in the 24 years I have spent in school to get where I am by patients daily. Without a family, without a life. I have nothing to speak of what I have accomplished. I have no pride in it at all. My life has absolutely no point. I almost got married about 4 years ago. My fiancé left me 3 weeks before the large destination wedding we planned and ran off with another law student. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. They are married with a baby now. I remain alone and heartbroken. I know that this job had a lot to do with the destruction of that relationship and I am resentful of that. I find myself pretty incapable of expressing myself to anyone in my life. Doctor's are not supposed to despair. They are not supposed to have feelings. We work holidays, nobody celebrates our birthdays in the office, nobody cares if we work 90 hours and can't get home to walk our dog ever. We are not people. We know. It is almost like we should feel ashamed of ourselves. I walk around all day feeling hands clasped around my neck, on the verge of a breakdown. Desperately wanting any semblance of a life outside of my miserable, all encompassing job. But the truth is…..the job has destroyed anything I have outside of it. When I am not working, I have nothing. People ask me what I would do if I dropped out of medicine and the truth is….I want to do nothing. I want to lie in bed. I am stuck in debt, without options. I want to die most days. I fanaticize about it constantly. Mostly I haven't done anything yet because of my dog. I could not leave him. But he has been sick lately ( I am reminded that I have not only wasted my life but his…he would have had a better life with someone less busy) and won't be around forever (he is 9). I would like to die with him and feel like that is one of the most comforting thoughts I have ever had. A goal, if you will. I know I am weak, and a pathetic coward. I know many people don't understand this point of view. I know probably anyone that reads this cannot find any sympathy for doctors. But we are people. And many of us are suffering. I am one. Thanks for listening.