I'm a f***ing piece of sh*it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost&Lonely, May 13, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lost&Lonely

    Lost&Lonely Member

    Hi its me again. Do you ever get the feelng that however much effort you put into something you are still shit at it. This is how I'm feeling at the mo. I am such a failure at everything I do I just want it to stop! I just dont want to keep going though failure after failure, having people look down on me and then feeling even worse. I f*cking dont give a shit anymore. I just dont want to be here, I've never wanted to be here. I just want to die and my family think I'm so selfish for thinking it even when they see how much I'm hurting. My life will not get any better I've been trying so hard for so long and it never gets any better.

    I hate myself. I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel for me even when Im happy Im sad inside.
  2. Lost&Lonely

    Lost&Lonely Member

    I've been trying so long to find something I'm good at but now I'm jst growing afraid to try. I wouldn't care if it was just me, ya know? But I hate people seeing it happen - its embarrassing for me to see people see me fail, I feel like a let down to my family. I feel like a loser. I'm growing scared that I might start taking steps to suicide like I did a couple of years ago when I was feeling like this. Ive started to starve and hurt myself for being such a failure because it makes me feel better to punish myself.

    It sounds stupid I know but it makes me feel better. Is there such a disorder for the need to punish oneself?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Deep down inside there is still a part of you that does give a shit. You took the time to post how you're feeling and that says something right there. I think you need somebody else to give a shit too! And I do. Depression makes all the failures and bad stuff stand out so strongly. It is difficult to see the little tiny things that are good. But please keep posting and maybe you can find a few more little things that are good like words of encouragement or advice. And they can give you the strength you need to keep trying to turn things around for yourself.
  4. Lost&Lonely

    Lost&Lonely Member

    Like I said Im just getting too scared to try and dig myself out - I either end up failing again or feel fine only to have another things come crashing down on me.

    I came from a house where my parents were very strict and I would get smacked or any behaviour that was less than perfect. I began to realise that if I wanted to survive failure wasnt an option - it brought very bad down sides! If I was naughty and my mum didnt find out about it I woul immediately feel bad so I used to write letters to myself as a child telling myself how horrible and nasty I was I would sometimes scratch myself to feel the physical pain that I should have received.

    It grew worse when I became a teenager - I grew painfully thin I was 5ft 5 and weighed about 70lbs naturally. Doctors would believe I had an eating disorder, my mum and my sister used to call me ugly and a failure. My grandparents and my so called friends used to say I was ugly too. They didnt even say it jokingly either they were dead serious. When I said I was going to uni my dad and my sister thought it was hilarious and humiliated me in front of guests calling me worthless and that I wouldnt be able to cope. When my friend left school she set up a hate website about me (I didnt even realise she hated me)

    I grew up and I filled out and people started to say that I was very pretty and still do. I have lots of admirers but when I look in the mirror all I see is some shapeless mess of a human. Still nobody listens to me if I tell them something they will ask somebody else for guidance only to receive the same answer. I am never trusted with anything.

    This is why I dont feel as though I can tell my family - I will have proved them right. Yeah after my last meltdown a lot of things came out about the way they used to treat me and they started showing me some respect but I know its only because they worry that it will start another chain of events. Its too late though, what they said is the only thing I know whats real. They said those hurtful words to me and I have to lve with them for the rest of my life.
  5. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Try to write a list of all the good things you have done.

    The past is unchangeable but you can still change the future.

    What kind of family would mistreat their child like that? You have been strong and survived, keep going and prove them wrong.
  6. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    My family wern't that bad but they have had their moments. They work too much and spend less time with the family and when they do they are so obsessed with work that it's all they talk about. The last conversation I tried having with my parents somehow changed into 'what happened at work' after five seconds. In the time I needed them most, they were never there. Sometimes I doubt they even know the first thing about me.

    So in many ways I know how you feel. You can't talk to your parents because first off, they simply don't understand and secondly, they never really tried to give a crap about you in the first place.

    And often when I look in the mirror I see someone who just simply isn't me, someone I can barely recognise. At one point I could barely look in the mirror at all.
  7. Lost&Lonely

    Lost&Lonely Member

    I hate to blame things on my family - yeah I did feel pretty ignored and mistreated - it hurt when I asked my mum what my first word was and she said she didn't know as its only really special when your first child has its first word - but sometimes I just think that theres something in me that is geared towards these feelings of horrible inadequacy.
  8. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    Oh my god! the exact same thing happened to me!

    It was in primary school, we had to do this sheet for homework:

    What was your first word?
    When did you first tooth grow?
    When did you first walk?

    My parents didn't know any, but a few weeks earlier I had found folders of all my brothers baby stuff, with all that info in, mine wasn't there.

    I had to lie to my teacher and say I forgot to do the work, inevitably I got in trouble.

    I wasn't angry with my parents at the time, I was too young to know how harsh it was. But I brought it up about a year ago, my mum shrugged it off completely.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Someone once told me that your only a failure if you don't try. Don't let there ignorance drag you down. When you get that low try thinking of positive things you have accomplished. It can be any little thing that has happened. From what I am learning here is that there are others who feel the same way you do. Talk to them, I say them when I should say we!!!
    The only thing that has been keeping me going is my daughter and my grandaughter. Here lately that hasn't been working out so good. They live up north and I live in the south. I missed my daughter growing up and now I am missing my grandaughter growing up. Hold your head high, because you are not alone in this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.