I'm a failure at EVERYTHING

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beautifuloblivion, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I've been fighting the depression for years now, but the real suicidal feelings didn't start until my dad died in January 06. Just two weeks before that, the one guy I would have given anything to be with quit talking to me for no reason whatsoever. Just quit calling, quit e-mailing, quit returning my calls. No explanation or good-bye.

    So for the last year, everything has been pretty much downhill. Some days are better than others, of course, but every day is still a struggle. I used to tell myself that I had to keep going for the people who cared about me...but I'm not even sure who those people are anymore.

    Without my dad, I don't even feel like I have a family anymore...my sister and I rarely speak. I call her and leave voicemails, and she never calls back. That's pretty much our relationship. I could have died three months ago and she wouldn't know it. I don't feel close to any of my friends anymore...I haven't really made any friends since I moved here about a year ago, so all my friends live far away. They're all busy so I don't blame them, but no one does a very good job of keeping in touch. Again, I'd be dead for months before any of them even thought to wonder about me.

    Even my boyfriend is constantly telling me that he's not sure about us, doesn't think we should be in a relationship, etc., but he doesn't want to hurt me...so the truth is, if I killed myself, he would probably be grateful for an easy out.

    The only person that leaves is my mom. She is the one person on the planet who still calls me all the time, worries about me all the time. The one person who would even notice if I were gone. She's pretty much the only reason I'm still here, but...

    I have to find a job for internship by April 6, or I get kicked out of school. That's it. The last year of my life, along with $26,000 of my parents' money will be wasted. Less than a month. And I've already been searching for weeks. Since I've failed to find anyone who will hire me so far, it's unlikely that anything will change in the next few weeks. Mostly, everyone has rejected me because I don't have any previous work experience. Well, I'm only 20...what the fuck do you think I'm going to school for? But I guess you can't get a job until you've already had one.

    Mostly, I'm just frustrated--and teriffied. The pressure makes me so anxious and teriffied that it's hard to be optimistic and self-confident in interviews, which only makes the situation worse.

    But I don't know if I can cope with failing at this. Wasting all that time and the money that my dad left me. And disappointing my mom. I can't...I know I just can't. I've always been nothing but a failure. If I can't even find one stupid job in the next month, I don't think I'll be able to hold on any more... :sad:
  2. FullMoon

    FullMoon Member

    You seem like someone who is on the right track and everything is going wrong. Its only a matter of time i suppose..somethings got to go right :biggrin:

    Sorry about your boyfriend, but dont let it ruin your future. The only reason your future should be ruined is because of you, and no one wants that so keep going and keep trying to find that job! I'll keep you in my thoughts and will only hope for the best for you cause I know how you feel. Wish I was a better pep up talker but its something I need to work on..but Im trying =) good luck.
  3. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hi beautifuloblivion, so sorry to hear you are going through this. You already seem to have put in time and effort into the school you're attending. And your mother does care about what happens to you. Relationships don't always work out and suicide never does. We are here to support you if you need to talk about issues in your life so don't hesitate to ask us for help.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There is so much pressure trying to find a job, especially an entry level one. Does your school have any support for you to find your internship? Maybe someone who has found one can help? I hope you find one soon so that at least this annoyance will be off your plate...and so sorry about your dad's passing...that is so difficult, and does take time to heal from...not that we ever forget ppl or stop feeling sad about their loss, but other things in life do take the foreground, and the pain does lessen...have lost several of my favorite ppl over the last yrs so I do have some experience with this...hope you can move forward, and know we are here to show you caring and support...big hugs
  5. Not Now

    Not Now Member

    What about posting an ad in the paper? You might be able to find an internship that way.

    Good luck & don't give up.
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Good idea :)

    and good luck, hun. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Hang in there, ok? we are here for you anytime. :) :hug: :cheekkiss
  7. I'm new here, but don't do anything drastic because we're here to support each other and to stay with each other through these moments. Please don't do anything because we care and your mother cares too!
  8. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    Thank you, everyone, for the suggestions and support. And you’re a great pep talker, FullMoon…every word of encouragement helps. :hug:

    The job hunt continues, but still no luck. There is a career services department at my school, and there is a really nice woman there who has been helping me for the last couple of weeks. She’s been calling places for me, finding out who’s hiring…but she can only do so much. She can’t get a job for me. I’ve applied for so many jobs and had no luck at all…it makes me feel like I’m just inadequate and no one will hire me.

    But I haven’t given up yet, so I’ll keep you posted…

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