I've been fighting the depression for years now, but the real suicidal feelings didn't start until my dad died in January 06. Just two weeks before that, the one guy I would have given anything to be with quit talking to me for no reason whatsoever. Just quit calling, quit e-mailing, quit returning my calls. No explanation or good-bye.
So for the last year, everything has been pretty much downhill. Some days are better than others, of course, but every day is still a struggle. I used to tell myself that I had to keep going for the people who cared about me...but I'm not even sure who those people are anymore.
Without my dad, I don't even feel like I have a family anymore...my sister and I rarely speak. I call her and leave voicemails, and she never calls back. That's pretty much our relationship. I could have died three months ago and she wouldn't know it. I don't feel close to any of my friends anymore...I haven't really made any friends since I moved here about a year ago, so all my friends live far away. They're all busy so I don't blame them, but no one does a very good job of keeping in touch. Again, I'd be dead for months before any of them even thought to wonder about me.
Even my boyfriend is constantly telling me that he's not sure about us, doesn't think we should be in a relationship, etc., but he doesn't want to hurt me...so the truth is, if I killed myself, he would probably be grateful for an easy out.
The only person that leaves is my mom. She is the one person on the planet who still calls me all the time, worries about me all the time. The one person who would even notice if I were gone. She's pretty much the only reason I'm still here, but...
I have to find a job for internship by April 6, or I get kicked out of school. That's it. The last year of my life, along with $26,000 of my parents' money will be wasted. Less than a month. And I've already been searching for weeks. Since I've failed to find anyone who will hire me so far, it's unlikely that anything will change in the next few weeks. Mostly, everyone has rejected me because I don't have any previous work experience. Well, I'm only 20...what the fuck do you think I'm going to school for? But I guess you can't get a job until you've already had one.
Mostly, I'm just frustrated--and teriffied. The pressure makes me so anxious and teriffied that it's hard to be optimistic and self-confident in interviews, which only makes the situation worse.
But I don't know if I can cope with failing at this. Wasting all that time and the money that my dad left me. And disappointing my mom. I can't...I know I just can't. I've always been nothing but a failure. If I can't even find one stupid job in the next month, I don't think I'll be able to hold on any more... :sad:
So for the last year, everything has been pretty much downhill. Some days are better than others, of course, but every day is still a struggle. I used to tell myself that I had to keep going for the people who cared about me...but I'm not even sure who those people are anymore.
Without my dad, I don't even feel like I have a family anymore...my sister and I rarely speak. I call her and leave voicemails, and she never calls back. That's pretty much our relationship. I could have died three months ago and she wouldn't know it. I don't feel close to any of my friends anymore...I haven't really made any friends since I moved here about a year ago, so all my friends live far away. They're all busy so I don't blame them, but no one does a very good job of keeping in touch. Again, I'd be dead for months before any of them even thought to wonder about me.
Even my boyfriend is constantly telling me that he's not sure about us, doesn't think we should be in a relationship, etc., but he doesn't want to hurt me...so the truth is, if I killed myself, he would probably be grateful for an easy out.
The only person that leaves is my mom. She is the one person on the planet who still calls me all the time, worries about me all the time. The one person who would even notice if I were gone. She's pretty much the only reason I'm still here, but...
I have to find a job for internship by April 6, or I get kicked out of school. That's it. The last year of my life, along with $26,000 of my parents' money will be wasted. Less than a month. And I've already been searching for weeks. Since I've failed to find anyone who will hire me so far, it's unlikely that anything will change in the next few weeks. Mostly, everyone has rejected me because I don't have any previous work experience. Well, I'm only 20...what the fuck do you think I'm going to school for? But I guess you can't get a job until you've already had one.
Mostly, I'm just frustrated--and teriffied. The pressure makes me so anxious and teriffied that it's hard to be optimistic and self-confident in interviews, which only makes the situation worse.
But I don't know if I can cope with failing at this. Wasting all that time and the money that my dad left me. And disappointing my mom. I can't...I know I just can't. I've always been nothing but a failure. If I can't even find one stupid job in the next month, I don't think I'll be able to hold on any more... :sad:
