No matter what I do I feel like a failure. I've had an eating disorder for a while now and whenever I eat I feel like I'm a failure, but whenever I don't eat I feel like I'm letting down my friends when they tell me I should eat. They tell me I'm really skinny but I just don't see it. To me, I look fat. I'm really insecure about myself. I'm scared to walk out in public because I hate the way I look. I hate how I'm too shy to speak to people, I hate how it takes me ages to make a friend (and even then they do more talking than me) I hate how I compare myself to others and think how much of a mistake I am. I hate how no matter what people say to me or do to help me: I always think and feel like no-one cares about me. I'm scared to reach out on my sleepless nights to my friends that say they are here for me. I feel like I'm bothering them or I can't fight my own battles because I'm too weak. I used to get top marks in one of my classes every week when we did our weekly test but now I've gone down to C's, D's,E's and F's and I feel like a failure because I'm not getting the grades I used to. Recently I got my report back and found that some of my grades are lower than some people's grades who are in lower classes than me. Whenever I SH I feel free and I get a sensation that makes me feel human but I feel like I've failed everyone, especially when I'm asked to show them my arms, but if I don't SH I feel like I'm too wimpy and too much of a failure to do anything. I hate how I'm so quiet and shy that people pick on me as they know I won't try to defend myself.I've had humiliating rumours spread about me. I've been called names. I've had my things stolen. I've been pushed. I've been nearly shoved down a flight of stairs. I've had things put in my hair. I've had things thrown at me and I feel like a failure that, not once, have I stood up for myself. I've just sat alone and cried and soaked up every negative thing anyone has said or done to me and let it eat me alive. When I cry I feel like a failure because I can't just hold it in any longer. I feel like a failure all the nights I've been up, not being able to sleep, just breaking down over worrying about going to school or completing the simplest of tasks. I'm even scared to ask for a new textbook or even to walk into assembly. Today, for the first time I tried to make myself purge and (I know it's not pleasant, I'm sorry) but I can't get the feeling out of my system the minute I started gagging. I wasn't successful but now I wish I was. I've been told that I'm not a failure. But I know I am. I hate feeling like this but I hate myself and everything about myself. I just can never find to pick out something I like about myself.