I'm A Failure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by imalone, May 1, 2016.

  1. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    No matter what I do I feel like a failure.

    I've had an eating disorder for a while now and whenever I eat I feel like I'm a failure, but whenever I don't eat I feel like I'm letting down my friends when they tell me I should eat. They tell me I'm really skinny but I just don't see it. To me, I look fat.

    I'm really insecure about myself. I'm scared to walk out in public because I hate the way I look. I hate how I'm too shy to speak to people, I hate how it takes me ages to make a friend (and even then they do more talking than me) I hate how I compare myself to others and think how much of a mistake I am. I hate how no matter what people say to me or do to help me: I always think and feel like no-one cares about me. I'm scared to reach out on my sleepless nights to my friends that say they are here for me. I feel like I'm bothering them or I can't fight my own battles because I'm too weak.

    I used to get top marks in one of my classes every week when we did our weekly test but now I've gone down to C's, D's,E's and F's and I feel like a failure because I'm not getting the grades I used to. Recently I got my report back and found that some of my grades are lower than some people's grades who are in lower classes than me.

    Whenever I SH I feel free and I get a sensation that makes me feel human but I feel like I've failed everyone, especially when I'm asked to show them my arms, but if I don't SH I feel like I'm too wimpy and too much of a failure to do anything.

    I hate how I'm so quiet and shy that people pick on me as they know I won't try to defend myself.I've had humiliating rumours spread about me. I've been called names. I've had my things stolen. I've been pushed. I've been nearly shoved down a flight of stairs. I've had things put in my hair. I've had things thrown at me and I feel like a failure that, not once, have I stood up for myself. I've just sat alone and cried and soaked up every negative thing anyone has said or done to me and let it eat me alive.

    When I cry I feel like a failure because I can't just hold it in any longer.

    I feel like a failure all the nights I've been up, not being able to sleep, just breaking down over worrying about going to school or completing the simplest of tasks. I'm even scared to ask for a new textbook or even to walk into assembly.

    Today, for the first time I tried to make myself purge and (I know it's not pleasant, I'm sorry) but I can't get the feeling out of my system the minute I started gagging. I wasn't successful but now I wish I was.

    I've been told that I'm not a failure. But I know I am. I hate feeling like this but I hate myself and everything about myself. I just can never find to pick out something I like about myself.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    First things first. You are NOT a failure. I know it's not easy for you to accept, but you aren't.

    I am sorry you feel that way though, and that you are going through the things you are. You are being put through a lot more than anyone should even know about, and no wonder your grades and mental health is being affected.

    Have you talked to a counselor at school? or a therapist? Or even your doctor about all of these things that are happening to you?

    Eating disorders are very dangerous to your health, both the physical and the mental and I really urge you to get some help with this.

    Don't hurt yourself, get help rather.

    How long do you have left at your school? I think I remember your earlier posts saying you wouldn't change schools or something? (forgive me if I remember wrong, my brain is weird tonight)
    imalone likes this.
  3. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I've told my mum that I want to see a therapist quite a few times but she hasn't taken me to one yet. (My mum knows about my SH and how worried/stressed I am all the time but that's probably it) I'm scared to talk to the school because every time they get involved in any bullying that me and my friends reported, they just made things worse or didn't help at all.

    I'm not sure what to do about my eating disorder: it's varied. Some days I won't eat or drink. Some days I'll just drink a tiny bit. Some days I'll just eat like an apple or something. I would purposefully not bring lunch with me on school days so if my friends kept telling me to eat I wouldn't be able to.

    I'm nearly finishing Year 9 so I only have about 2 years left at my school (as year 11's leave earlier after their GCSE's are done) Yes, I think that post was mine: there aren't really many schools in the area that my parents WOULD send me to but I'd be too scared and worried to change schools anyway.

    Thank you for replying and trying to help me, it means a lot. I hope you're doing good.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Could you see your doctor about the eating disorder? If you don't want your parents to know make up some other excuse for the appointment... maybe say you have a rash you want to get checked, or a mole or something... and once you are there tell the doctor what the actual problem is.

    An eating disorder is very serious, and I really urge you to get help. Especially if you are not eating.
    imalone likes this.
  5. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I might be able to see a doctor, I'll just have to get ready to stop myself worrying about it. Thank you for the advice and thank you for trying to help me, it really means a lot. I hope you're doing good :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. The6EoH

    The6EoH New Member

    Do you have friends?
  7. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Please get help with you eating disorder when you are young. I have watched my mother suffer with it for decades and I have seen the damage purging has done to her health. I suffer quite a bit with social anxiety myself and I can tell you that people change a lot from high school. In a few years you could be a different person. I am not going to lie to you and say it will all be great but you might be surprised. Just please get some help.