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im a failure

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by special_needs, Feb 3, 2008.

  1. special_needs

    special_needs Well-Known Member

    I don’t really know what to say. It’s just that im feeling so empty...
    I used to want to die, to feel the act of killing my own self, an angry feeling. But i don’t even feel that anymore. I just want to disappear, i don’t feel anger or pain. In fact, i wish i did.
    I never had a decent live. I mean, I have a home and all of that, good school, nice stuff. That’s all good, but is it enough? Im 16, i´ve started school at 6 and, by that time, I had no friends. Well, I didn’t even interact with other people besides my family, so it was really hard in the beginning. The other kids used to say I looked like a monkey (well, they were right, what could I say?), and I only started getting along with other children by the age of 10, 4th year in school, which means that I don’t have much “experience” in socializing.
    So, it got better in the next years, I had some friends. But then I went to another school, in 7th grade, where im now. People are f*cking monsters here. They don’t call me nothing (at least, in my face) but everyone ignores me. I have two friends (male, obviously, what type of girl would look at me?), and even them disappoint me all the time.
    At home, I think it was worse. I lived with my mother most of my life, my father is always in travel, job issues. Im so different from my mother, we are always shouting with each other. She used to hurt me, really hard (im mean physically), till 14 or something. I started reacting and she stopped. But now is psychological.
    Also, shy people normally are good at school… But im not. Well, I was, but in the last 4 years it has been getting much worse.
    Basically, im a failure. Im so different from everyone around me, I can’t even explain. And my looks, my low self confidence, my fears…. Nothing helps.
    I started self harming two years ago, stopped nine months ago and started again today. But I think i´ll stop, I didn’t feel any good.
    I feel so lonely.
  2. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    "shy people normally are good at school"
    This made me laugh. I've always been shy...but still I was also relatively smart, then in the early years of highschool something happened, I remember getting alot of A's and I'd get teased for it. My marks kinda dropped slowly. I went ok, was the average student. This this past year...FAIL a fucking failure, never failed anything. Anyway sorry for the rant.
    I think you should try your best to stop SHing, I hope you do, because the last thing you want is to end up in that evil cycle again. Talk to me if you're ever lonely.
  5. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Sweetie you have to clean out some messages before I can reply on PM. :)
  6. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    hehe ooops
    should be ok now
  7. special_needs

    special_needs Well-Known Member

    But the fact is that we all like to fit in somewhere, and i wish i could. I really feel far away from everything.

    Thanks for replying. Thank you all.
  8. metalhead123

    metalhead123 Guest

    :hug: i can imagine how u feel...
    anyway fight for the love of god ^^
  9. sophie5121

    sophie5121 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear about all your problems:sad:
    dont really know what to say but here if you want to talk just pm me
    hang in there, stay strong
    sophie x
  10. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    Dont ever say that u are a failure.... if u made a mistake do it agian until u get it write and or accomplish what u wanna do....... I was in college to become a police officer I was doing this online and the reason for that is because my mom was a druggie and i couldent trust her with my younger brother or sister in the house..... so what I did was watched the kids at home and so on..... then my mom got really bad and I just couldent do it anymore so i Dropped out... and the reason I did was for my lil brother and sister.... what I am getting at is I am going to go and try agian...... Now that i am away from that enviroment... and can have my own time.... so dont give up always keep going......:biggrin: