This might trigger, so please don't read unless you're sure you feel up to it. This is just, kind of how I'm thinking and feeling right now. Don't know exactly why I'm posting it, just felt like it I guess. I've ruined my life. I will never have the life I want so damn much, nor will I ever be the person I want to be. I will always be alone, even in a room full of people. There is nothing in this world for me. I did this to myself, and I hurt those I care about while I let it happen, which makes me feel like... I don't deserve to live. Every time I think about those things, I need to imagine there's a gun to my head. I need to imagine that it fires, again and again, until the pain isn't so bad. I have to hold in my breath so I don't scream and yell. I just wish I could take it all back. I want to die. My prayer each night is "please fix me, God, or put me out of my, and everyone else's, misery". I don't think God listens to me, though. Thinking about just leaving home after twenty first birthday in January, and living on the streets till I starve to death in some ditch.