I'm a faulty product

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StarryNightSky, Oct 5, 2010.

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  1. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    This might trigger, so please don't read unless you're sure you feel up to it.

    This is just, kind of how I'm thinking and feeling right now. Don't know exactly why I'm posting it, just felt like it I guess.

    I've ruined my life. I will never have the life I want so damn much, nor will I ever be the person I want to be. I will always be alone, even in a room full of people. There is nothing in this world for me.

    I did this to myself, and I hurt those I care about while I let it happen, which makes me feel like... I don't deserve to live. Every time I think about those things, I need to imagine there's a gun to my head. I need to imagine that it fires, again and again, until the pain isn't so bad. I have to hold in my breath so I don't scream and yell. I just wish I could take it all back.

    I want to die. My prayer each night is "please fix me, God, or put me out of my, and everyone else's, misery". I don't think God listens to me, though.

    Thinking about just leaving home after twenty first birthday in January, and living on the streets till I starve to death in some ditch.
  2. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    hey hun
    Im sorry your feeling so low.
    What are the things you are referring to? Maybe i can help?
    PM me if you need to talk in private. Im here for you ok.
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey there **hugs**

    You are not yet 21, how do you figure you have ruined your life? I understand feeling like one has ruined their life, but you have potential to create the life you want or at least work towards that life, i would guess..

    Why can't you be the person you want to be, i just need help understanding. Most people take an entire lifetime to work to become the person they wish to be...and some are never satisfied with it, yet they come closer and closer to that mark, as each day passes and they learn and grow.

    i'm just guessing here, but it sounds as though you did something, or think you did something, you perceive as perhaps...mmm i don't know...the reason for you kicking yourself so hard? We all do things, make mistakes, errors in judgement, but just about anything we can learn and grow from, no matter how terrible it may seem to us (or appear to others).

    Perhaps it would help to share? Can you talk to folks here and let us know more about what is going on? Sounds like you are kicking yourself pretty hard.

    I hope you can ease up on yourself, maybe get a different perspective on things, from the folks here? :console:
  4. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    I left home at 17 glad to be way from my father who tried to kill me until I started lifting weights and decked him. He never tried that again. Check out "Street Life" by Randy Crawford on youtube. I've lived on the street and I'm older than dirt. Now I'm a bird in a rusted cage-but I'll be damned before I give up. The wheels of God grind exceeding slow, but exceeding fine.
  5. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    :confused: Not sure what part of it you're talking about. The things I feel guilty about?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2010
  6. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    Yeah the things you feel guilty about? x
  7. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I just can't do this right now. It's too difficult.
  8. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    Is there anyone you can talk to if not me? Keep you chin up chuck. We are all here for you xo
  9. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    :hug: sorry you're so upset. you can pm me if you ever need to talk
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2010
  10. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys for trying to help. It means a lot to me.

    I'm going to try and explain some of it. The things I feel guilty about weren't really intentional. I was in a really bad place mentally (still am, but not quite the same as before). While I was there, I hurt others emotionally, some of them badly. I hate that I did that to the people I cared about, and I hate myself for being such a ********.

    I know I'm also probably being harder on myself than I should. I've always been overly critical of myself. It doesn't help, still feel guilty as hell.

    As for why my life is ruined and why I can't be the person I want to be, just can't see a way to fix me. In another thread I explained my anxiety issue. Can't get help for my anxiety, bipolar, and other stuff because of it. I could start coughing up blood and still not be able to go to the hospital.

    Just don't see a way out :sad:

    Damn it:cry2:
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2010
  11. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Make a list of the five most important things in your life that need dealing with. Put coughing up blood at the top, because that is causing you to fear. The four other things will probably include some people you need to humble yourself before and admit that whatever you said/did was completly out of order and that you unreservedly apologise and ask them if it's possible they could forgive you...adding that you understand if they don't.

    So begin with number one and forget about all the other things until one is dealt with. At the point move on to number two...by this time you'll be on the road to recovery.

    If you need money to buy flowers I'll pay.
  12. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Not actually coughing up blood. I meant that if I did start coughing up blood, I wouldn't be able to go to the hospital because of anxiety. Sorry for the confusion.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2010
  13. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member


    So you are worrying about something that might never happen?

    Even as i type this I remember doing the same thing years ago....it's really difficult I know and as hopeless as things might seem there is a cure for the anguished soul.
  14. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Relieve me of my bad habits!

    The wise one in you and me, the Christ Spirit,
    In whom we are all one and who, long ago.
    Spoke and taught through the Master Jesus.
    S/He is now ready to communicate
    With each one of us direct.

    One fine day I was praying:
    ‘You, who are the wise Father/Mother of all,
    Can you relieve me of my bad habits?’
    To my astonishment the living God within,
    The Christ Spirit replied: ‘My beloved child.
    It’s not for me to take them from you,
    You alone can work on changing your character traces,
    So that you may grow into someone you really would like to be.
    The same as I cannot change you,
    You cannot change others, only yourself.’

    Another day I pleaded:
    ‘Please, make my handicapped child
    Into a healthy and normal one.’
    Again the Christ responded with a clear: ‘No.
    When you were in the world of spirit, your two souls
    Agreed to this condition, so that both of you should learn
    And grow stronger through your present experiences.
    Although in this lifetime your child’s body is disabled,
    Nothing can hurt or destroy its spirit or yours.
    Because they are part of Me,
    The inner core of every human soul is eternal,
    Whole, untouchable and indestructible,
    The same as I am.’

    On yet another occasion I asked:
    ‘Please, grant me the gift of Your Divine patience.’
    And the Christ replied: ‘This too cannot be given.
    It has to grow and emerge from within you,
    In the course of patiently enduring any trials and tribulations
    That may come your way on the Earth plane.’

    Undeterred by all these things,
    I begged: ‘My loved ones are my safety;
    Why do you take them from me?
    Why do they have to leave me and die?
    Can’t you make them stay?’
    To this the Christ replied: ‘My dear child, understand that
    Those I take from you are not dead; they are not even asleep.
    Learn from their passing the invaluable lesson
    That true security can only be found in Me,
    Never in the people who walk with you
    Or your earthly possessions.
    Rejoice, my child, and revel in the knowledge
    That there is no death and that no-one ever dies.
    There is only transformation and a moving on
    To different levels of existence; that is all!

    Know that love is eternal
    And that it can conquer all – even death.
    When the Angel of death carries one of your loved ones
    Into your other world, nothing needs to change between the two of you.
    That which you have been to each other in this lifetime,
    You can continue to be, if you so wish.
    But know that this is for better or for worse.
    Therefore, let it be for better, My child.
    Because none of your relationships finish with
    The death of your physical body,
    Strive to leave only good ones behind
    And make a special effort to improve your difficult ones,
    For they will continue until they have been resolved.

    Whatever you leave behind unfinished in this lifetime
    Has to be completed in another.
    Where you have sinned, you will have to make good,
    And any wounds you have given or received in your present lifetime
    Must be healed by you, in future ones.
    Until all the Karmic chains and shackles you have created
    Between you and any other soul have been dissolved
    By forgiveness and love for each other,
    You will not be allowed to move onto higher levels of experience.

    But no matter how difficult anything you have to face may be,
    I will always be there to guide and help you.
    So, go in peace, My child, and rest securely in the knowledge
    That you and your loved ones always have been
    And forever will be safe with Me.
    You are eternal beings and your learning will always continue.
    Send them as many loving thoughts as you like,
    But then let them go and give them the freedom to attend to
    The lessons that are now waiting for them, as you must attend to yours.
    To help you grow in understanding,
    New experiences are waiting for both of you.

    And then one evening at bedtime I prayed:
    ‘Please, give me happiness!’
    Back came the reply:
    ‘Though the blessings I give you are many,
    The true and lasting joy you are all hoping to get
    From people and earthly things can only be found
    In a renewed oneness with Me.
    To find supreme happiness beyond all earthly understanding,
    All you have to do is reach out for Me,
    Take My hand and walk with Me.
    That is the ultimate happiness for you on the Earth plane
    And that, My dear child, is what each one of you
    Truly has come to seek and find.’

    One day when I was in great discomfort, I prayed:
    ‘Please, save me from pain!’
    The Christ responded with: ‘To help you bring forth
    My Divine characteristics, so that you can grow ever closer to Me,
    Each one of My children of the Earth
    Must know with pain. How could you ever hope to
    Appreciate the depth of another’s suffering,
    If you hadn’t waded through painful experiences yourself?

    As you can see, your suffering and worldly cares
    Are essential parts of your earthly education.
    They are My teaching aids that with the passage of time
    Slowly take you back home into the oneness with Me,
    Until you are fully re-united with Me.
    So rejoice! The more profound your struggles
    And the deeper your pain,
    The closer your spirit and soul can draw to Me.

    This is how, for a very long time unbeknown to your earthly self,
    Your consciousness expands and your soul grows.
    Yet, it can only do so through each living their own lives,
    Gathering their own experiences, and feeling their feelings,
    Sadness as much as joy, and happiness as much as pain.
    So, whenever something seems too hard or heavy for you to bear,
    And wherever you may find yourself, never despair!
    Just reach out for My hand, call for Me and I will be there,
    To help you work our way through whatever comes your way.
    Although you are but one small branch on the tree of life and knowledge,
    You are precious beyond compare and of great value to Me.
    You are one of the most beautiful flowers in My eternal garden and
    I am the gardener, who prunes you constantly,
    So that you may flower and mature and bear ever more fruit.’

    Undeterred by all this, I asked:
    ‘Please, give me only the things of life I enjoy.’
    To which the Christ replied: ‘Beloved child,
    Isn’t it blessing enough that I have created you and given you life?
    From love you come and to love you return,
    For love is your true nature and you are on the Earth plane,
    So that one day you will find the truth that is in Me.
    And when I grant you the gift of the wisdom to comprehend it,
    You will be able to appreciate and recognise that
    Everything that is in your life is a loving sacrifice from Me
    And that things, people and every experience
    That comes your way are included in this.

    Everything that had been said made a great deal of sense to me,
    So following the line of the Christ’s thoughts and desires for me,
    Instead of mine, I prayed:
    ‘Please, help me to love others, as much as You love me.’
    Heaving a sigh of relief, our loving Father/Mother replied:
    ‘Ah! At last, My child, You are getting the idea of
    Why you have been granted the gift of another lifetime on the Earth,
    Namely so that you may learn to love wisely, the way I love you.
    And if you want to be like Me, love to your heart’s content
    Everything that I bring to you with the dawning of each new day.

    That’s all you need!
    So, go in peace now, My child.
    Walk out into your world and enjoy everything it contains.
    Knowing that you and I are part of it,
    Learn to love and accept all that is whole-heartedly.
    All I ask of each one of you is that you should behave in a manner
    That befits you as young Gods in the making,
    So each can make their contribution towards the transformation
    Of your world into a better place
    Than it is at present and that for all life that shares
    The beautiful planet I have entrusted into your safekeeping.

    Even if some days all you can do is give someone a smile, a hug
    Or a kind and encouraging word,
    Sometimes maybe nothing but a loving thought,
    Every effort counts and makes you worthy of being called
    One of My children.
    And whatever you do and wherever the roads of your life
    May take you, never forget that in Me all things are possible
    Don’t be fooled by mere surface words like ‘impossible’.
    With the Angels and Me it spells ‘I am possible’.

    I bless you and keep you safe,
    Now and forever.

    From ‘The Universal Christ Now Speaks To Us And Our World’

    With love and light,

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