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Im a fighter

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goats, Jul 11, 2009.

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  1. goats

    goats New Member

    im a fighter so i hang on
    im a fighter i try to be strong
    im a fighter but i feel so alone
    im a fighter but theres only so much i will condone

    ive survived horrendous and extreme violence, so much abuse, so many assaults, so much neglect. by all means i should be dead and yet im not, i for the most part can appear quite normal. it always shocks people to hear what ive endured. for that i feel amazingly blessed. im not a walking vegetable, im not drooling all over myself, im not cripppled in a visable way. i have a great sense of humour, am extremly well spoken, i know how to fake confidence and smile when i should. but underneath that i am suffering so deeply so hideously i can hardly breathe. i hang in there though, i know my suicidal feelings are just my brains way of saying please stop the pain. there are other things i can do besides dying to stop the pain. i do those things to my best ability though my functioning in terms of daily living is so completely below average. i manage.

    heres where it gets bad

    im barely hanging on as it is, after all the things that were done to me for 15 yrs, i survived, tried to get help. it took like 13 years later for me to actually find help. thats great but now im like almost 30 with barely any help under my belt and a whole world of crushing abuse to sort out in my heart and head. meanwhile

    life keeps tossing me more and more complications. more and more little bad things that should feel little enough to manage but they dont and they arent. i feel like life is trying very hard to send me the message that i am not allowed to make it. im not allowed to work through this stuff. im not allowed to be supported. im not allowed to not be alone. im not allowed to be loved. im not allowed to move past this suffering.

    i keep fighting but when life is constantly taking away every little good thing i build for myself, or breaking it, or making it no longer accessable... what am i fighting for? to live in this misery????

    how much more can i take? why am i taking it. am i so nieve as to think that i actually can move past this stuff if i just keep trying? im never gonna be free. my abusers and rapists and all the violent people who beat me to near death, they all get to win?

    why can so much bad happen to me and the people around me get so much good. am i really that bad, what did i do to deserve this. why is there no logical explanation for what ive been made to suffer and carry for the rest of my life. i am in such consistant excessive horrendous pain as it is i simply cannot handle the pain of not even being able to crawl out of my own personal hell without life trying its best to subdue me.

    i feel so condemned, so alone, so unsupported, so frightened, so unheard, so irrevocably damaged. why cant things back off just a tiny bit so i can try to fix me enough that i wont be feeling like ive been axe murdered and am a walking corpse that nobody even responds to.

    i am so alienated and unvalidated and in so much pain i am literally gagging and choking on my emotions.

    its been too long
    its been too long

    and nobody can help me enough, nobody is here enough, nobody can listen enough. nobody is skilled enough, nobody cares about me enough. i will burn out the only support i have and life will take him away too.

    why am i still fighting? for the promise of maybe sometime in the future i can finally stop suffering? i can stop suffering tonight if i wanted. ill just never get to be free either.

    is it worth it?

    hard to say, im having a very bad time right now an i want to hang in there but i feel so demoralized and my thoughts are distorted and i am talking myself into believing that im damned again.

    how else should i or could i possibly see it.

    what more can be done to me while the rest of the world around me seemingly has the very best of every opportunity and peaceful assurance alotted to them.

    why me!!!!!
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: there's not much i can say, other than you can talk to me any time, and i mean it, just PM me and i'll try my best to help. do you have a therapist who can help you? if not i think you'd benefit a great deal from seeing one :heart: stay strong hun
    triggs xx
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey it seem life is so unfair to some of us while others get all the benefits but we are the stronger for it we are the fighters. The others wouldn't know what the hell to do if something tragic happen to them but we learned maybe not best coping skills but we learned how to survive under worst circumstances. Keep fighting people do care we care keep fighting because god knows maybe one day we will get a break and the sun will shine down on us for a change. Just know you are not alone in your battle anymore that is why this forum is here so we can support each other give each other hope and strength. Hang in there and never stop fighting because you are worth the fight.
  4. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    i have found recently that helping people who are oppressed in some way, the feeling you get for standing up for these people, in a way makes you feel like you are standing up for yourself
    that's hard too though, because often there are so many hurdles in the way, but i find you can relate to these hurdles and fighting for others makes it seem more worthwhile... when you're trying to fight for yourself and you keep getting knocked back, you fell alone and like noone give a s***, but when you're fighting for someone else/another group of people, well, for starters, it's usually though some sort of organisation/solidarity group that you've joined, so you are part of a group of fighters, then there's the people who you are fighting for who you can't let down...
    i knwo it's hard to find the energy... but if you ever do feel you may be able todo something like that, it does help
    i don't know what it is, you can just relate....
    i hope this has not been stupid advice... it's just something that has kind of helped me... it doesn't mean to say i still don't get depressed... of course i do, i'm very sensitive and it's very easy for me to get affected by what goes on around me... i get down a lot, and it's hard to muster the energy sometimes tohelp others... very hard... when you just can't even get out of bed... but all i'm sayingit can help a little sometimes too... it's that fighting thing you were talking about... just try and redirect it...
    i hope you are okay... thinking of youxxxxxxx
  5. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear you are suffering. But you post has no details. Lots of generalities. How can one help if you do not open up?? Good luck. Hang in there. stop thinking of suicide.

  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yes,you're definitely a fighter :)

    You can keep fighting, you have lots of support behind you :arms:
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