im a fighter so i hang on im a fighter i try to be strong im a fighter but i feel so alone im a fighter but theres only so much i will condone ive survived horrendous and extreme violence, so much abuse, so many assaults, so much neglect. by all means i should be dead and yet im not, i for the most part can appear quite normal. it always shocks people to hear what ive endured. for that i feel amazingly blessed. im not a walking vegetable, im not drooling all over myself, im not cripppled in a visable way. i have a great sense of humour, am extremly well spoken, i know how to fake confidence and smile when i should. but underneath that i am suffering so deeply so hideously i can hardly breathe. i hang in there though, i know my suicidal feelings are just my brains way of saying please stop the pain. there are other things i can do besides dying to stop the pain. i do those things to my best ability though my functioning in terms of daily living is so completely below average. i manage. heres where it gets bad im barely hanging on as it is, after all the things that were done to me for 15 yrs, i survived, tried to get help. it took like 13 years later for me to actually find help. thats great but now im like almost 30 with barely any help under my belt and a whole world of crushing abuse to sort out in my heart and head. meanwhile life keeps tossing me more and more complications. more and more little bad things that should feel little enough to manage but they dont and they arent. i feel like life is trying very hard to send me the message that i am not allowed to make it. im not allowed to work through this stuff. im not allowed to be supported. im not allowed to not be alone. im not allowed to be loved. im not allowed to move past this suffering. i keep fighting but when life is constantly taking away every little good thing i build for myself, or breaking it, or making it no longer accessable... what am i fighting for? to live in this misery???? how much more can i take? why am i taking it. am i so nieve as to think that i actually can move past this stuff if i just keep trying? im never gonna be free. my abusers and rapists and all the violent people who beat me to near death, they all get to win? why can so much bad happen to me and the people around me get so much good. am i really that bad, what did i do to deserve this. why is there no logical explanation for what ive been made to suffer and carry for the rest of my life. i am in such consistant excessive horrendous pain as it is i simply cannot handle the pain of not even being able to crawl out of my own personal hell without life trying its best to subdue me. i feel so condemned, so alone, so unsupported, so frightened, so unheard, so irrevocably damaged. why cant things back off just a tiny bit so i can try to fix me enough that i wont be feeling like ive been axe murdered and am a walking corpse that nobody even responds to. i am so alienated and unvalidated and in so much pain i am literally gagging and choking on my emotions. its been too long its been too long and nobody can help me enough, nobody is here enough, nobody can listen enough. nobody is skilled enough, nobody cares about me enough. i will burn out the only support i have and life will take him away too. why am i still fighting? for the promise of maybe sometime in the future i can finally stop suffering? i can stop suffering tonight if i wanted. ill just never get to be free either. is it worth it? hard to say, im having a very bad time right now an i want to hang in there but i feel so demoralized and my thoughts are distorted and i am talking myself into believing that im damned again. how else should i or could i possibly see it. what more can be done to me while the rest of the world around me seemingly has the very best of every opportunity and peaceful assurance alotted to them. why me!!!!!