I'm a filthy ass liar :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DatAlgorithm, Oct 3, 2011.

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  1. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    I am such a filthy liar... I can't believe I have the ability to sound completely OK and fool my family, and I feel bad about it... but what the fuck else can I do, tell the truth? Have them make me feel bad for feeling the way I do and try and "help" me when I can't be helped? I'm such a horrible person for lying like this, but there's no alternative except suffering and quiet desperation. The only thing that'd even vaguely help is getting out of my environment, but me getting out of this piece of shit state known as California is pretty much impossible; I have a feeling telling me if I keep

    Still thinking about my final vacation. I'd like to go to Japan... I've wanted to go there since I was 20 or so, but I'm too stupid to be able to live there. I'm probably going to skip out on my family reunion in Hawaii for that reason; I mean, I can't live there either, my family pretty much ostracizes me, and I'd be too embarrassed to admit what fucking little I've done with my life and how I never got over my teenage insecurities. I want to just go to Japan, have as much fun as possible, do a bunch of stuff I've always wanted to, and shortly after, end it on a high note. I'm fed up with living on, but there's a slim chance of me living on.

    To anyone who wants me to live on, spare me the fucking armchair guru bullshit. You simply need to hope/pray that in Japan, I find the love of my life and marry her and get to stay there on a spousal visa, but I know there's almost no chance in hell of that ever happening; in my family, marriage is cursed...

    anyways, just more ranting before I take the mortal coil...
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You seems to have issues with your life. I hope you find whatever you are looking for in Japan. However since you said that you have never been in Japan before, let me give you a piece of advise. Japan is not what is portrayed in the TV and/or in the Movies. If you cannot find happiness in California, then you have just as much chance (or just as little chance) of finding it in Japan.

    Nice chance of scenery though!

    PS: Suicide rate is very high in Japan. Japan is no paradise.
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to say that I understand what it's like to pretend you're alright when you're not. I've had to tell people what they wanted to hear at times. Makes me frustrated with myself too.
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Sometimes the only thing you can do is lie to the the people around you about what you are feeling and/or going through, but to feel and honestly believe that you cannot be helped might be going a little far. Everyone can be helped, through any trying moment in their lives... But I ask you, is it that you honestly believe no one can help you, or is it that you honestly believe that you deserve no one to help you?

    I'll spare you the armchair guru stuff you do not want to hear, however I will say that once you are in Japan, follow through with your plans on living it up; do everything there you wanted to, but also take advantage of the fact that you'd be in a country you've wanted to visit for so long and if you like it so much, find out what you would need in order to live there.
    What comes from wishing for things?
    What comes from working for what you wish for?
    Find out.
    suzi likes this.
  5. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    I thought about the part about "wanting you to live on," and to be honest, that's not what I want for you at all. Life isn't the outcome we're seeking here, it's peace. You're obviously not at peace with your life, and you're not alone there. Sometimes, our disquiet reaches a fevered pitch, and we think the world would be better off without us. But really, who wants to end it all feeling like you were backed into a corner and that was the only choice you had left? The answer is pretty much nobody, which is why we continue to struggle on, to think of different ways we might escape this miserable state we're in. You're obviously still thinking of ways, and I applaud that. Keep it up, and one day, you'll discover your way of finding peace.
  6. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    Ok, since you seem to have the best grip on my situation here out of anyone that posted, I'll clarify. Yes, I do sorta feel backed into a corner, but a lot of it has to do with me being a fucking failure as far back as I can remember... no, it doesn't have to do with me "not trying hard enough" like all these damn baby boomers and those that blindly follow them tell me, but I was (and still am more likely than not) an under-developed borderline-retarded immature clumsy hopeless failure; I could even tell that when I was a toddler though my suicidal thoughts didn't really start 'til puberty. I was dealt a fucking defective hand, and I've known this ever since I was conscious of living, but nobody else knew (especially my parents) because unless the defects are seriously above threshold, no parent wants to admit their child is what society (which is quickly becoming a sort of silent eugenics program) would likely deem "dull normal" or "sub-mediocre." No, they want to lie to their kids and tell them they can "be anything they want to, even President!" so long as they blindly be a cog in the machine without question. I know for sure the world will go on just fine without me, and probably be a little better off 'cause I'm not around to annoy anyone or in worst case scenario hurt them or cause them emotional upheaval. I mean, it's not like I have the ability to cure cancer or colonize a planet or even operate x-ray equipment or even do my own worthless minimum wage shit job very well. I used to feel backed in a corner, true, but I'm not bitter about it anymore; I'm not feeling "victimized" like I used to, I just have no desire to live on and torture myself like this in a war I can't win. It's one thing to lie to the ones I love pretending I'm "okay," but why continue to lie to myself? The ways I DO have left to "live on" are merely pipe dreams... I have ZERO reason to live on beyond that, and I would like to simply be allowed to kill myself as a form of euthanasia from this fucked up disease I like to call "myself." Of course, because of the ridiculous uber-fixation the ultra-PC western world has on the "sanctity of life no matter what" (which is usually completely hypocritical) I'm not even allowed to do THAT. Worse yet, it's from both ends; not just these repressed angry "gawd's country" conservatives, but these fucking PC college campus liberal assholes who are just as bad from a different direction... it all just pisses me off to no end!

    My attitude towards my (extremely likely) inevitable suicide is much less being backed into a corner and much more :poo: . I know, it's a stark contrast from your average closet suicidal, but I've never had the luxury of being anything above lackluster, so I'm anything BUT normal, which is a curse too. Oh well...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2011
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