I'm a good for nothing piece of crap!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SAVE_ME, May 9, 2011.

  1. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I'm boring!

    I'm a piece of crap!

    I have absolutely nooooo redeeming qualities whatsoever!

    Everybody hates me!

    I'm a failure!

    I can't do anything right!

    I'm an idiot!

    I'm useless!

    I'm defective!

    Need I go any further?
  2. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Whats going on Sean, why the sudden change? I'm on msn if you want to chat.
  3. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I can't do it anymore! I'm fed up of acting like everything's ok but it's not and never will be!

    I was feeling pretty great a couple of weeks ago. I had lost 50 flipping pounds and I was feeling positive about the future and then I just suddenly started sinking again.........because I suddenly realized that aside from the weight loss, life is still the same sh** it always was. I feel like I could change everything about myself, get plastic surgery even but if I'm still in the same dead end situation then none of it means a thing to me.

    My anxiety has gone sky high over the last couple of weeks or so...to the point I'm even afraid of checking e-mails and texts or chatting over MSN. Everything just feels like it's amplified tenfold all of a sudden and I feel hopeless and trapped with no hope and no future. And the worst thing about it is I don't feel like I can tell anyone. My parents NEVER help. They just criticize and that is the LAST thing I need right now! My doctor just sits there talking in this f***ing monotone voice but never actually LISTENS to anything I stress about. Basically just agrees with everything my parents say. I'm on a waiting list for a therapist that's FOURTEEN GODDAMN MONTHS! We tried getting back in touch with the community health team and they refused to see me again!

    I just feel so desperate and confused and sh***y and I don't know what to do anymore! Everything I've done over the last few months hasn't brought me the satisfaction I thought it would. It took my mind off things for a while but at the end of the day, nothing's changed.

    And I hate MSN because I hate being the person who has to make contact with anyone. I just can't do it. I get this feeling in my head that whoever I'm talking to is thinking "Oh not him! F**k off! Nobody cares what you have to say!" or that they're falling asleep on the other end. I have nothing insightful or valuable to say about anything so I usually just linger on the off-chance that someone might want to talk and might bring up a topic to talk about first. I hate long awkward silences because then I feel as if I've completely bored the other person to death! It could be something as simple as the other person having to take a call or something and my f'd up mind will spin it so that it feels personal!

    I feel like I am being punished for something. I don't know what but I'm very supersticious and I look for any old reason to hang onto for things being the way they are.

    I could go on about this forever but I'm just repeating myself. I feel like an insignificant little speck on the radar.
  4. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    Oh, and the worst part of it all is that there's only ONE person I'm comfortable talking to over MSN and it's my flipping ex! And I know I should be thankful for her friendship and I am! But for starters, she's WAAAAY over in the US and it's not like we're ever going to meet so it all seems fake and imaginary to me. And it's boring just having the one person to talk to all the time. And we go on about the same things all the time and I get the feeling I bore her silly sometimes. Plus I can never confide in her about anything like this because she just doesn't "get" me...which is why I wanted to move on from that relationship anyway, because the more I was with her, the more I just didn't feel anything for her anymore (nor did she feel anything for me apparently) and she just doesn't understand the true "me". Nobody does. So she just didn't seem like the kind of person I wanted to be with anymore.

    But her being the only one I talk to regularly is a serious problem. I need other people in my life too sometimes.

    BTW, excuse me while I do something one moment...this has been building up for a couple of weeks now.............................*takes deep breath*.........


    You have NO idea how much I've wanted to do that for days now! But I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything's al-fucking-right just so my parents will
    shut the hell up!!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2011
  5. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    GODDAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

    So........I try to make the move to go into chat for once, see if it helps talking to anyone in there.....AND IT WON'T LET ME IN BECAUSE THE SOFTWARE NEEDED GETS BLOCKED ON MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

    FUCK!!!!!!!!! LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Fuck people too!!! I'm good when people wanna use me but when I need them...nope!! I DON'T FUCKING EXIST!!!!! Fucking ****s!