To everyone reading this i'm a little embarrassed saying that I need help to strangers. I guess lets start at the start then. I was about 6 or 7 the first time I attempted suicide. I was at a church camp in CA. and there was a rope swing that the kids were swinging on. I dont remember why but during that time no one really wanted to play with me. When I was alone one night I sneaked out and went to the swing it was in a big loop so i put my head in it and started swinging. I dont remember much of what happened but I remember waking up on the ground around 4 in the morning. So I went back to my bunk. The next time I tried was when I was around 13 years old, I am the last of a family of six. My parents got divorced because of me. I was a mistake, my father got a vasectomy and I was born 10 months later. Anyway when I was 13 we lived in a very podunk town in OK. So on my birthday when my mom went off to her new boyfriends house I went off by my self to the top of a cliff, planning to see if I could fly. When I got up there unfortunately my grandfather was waiting for me. He was mad at me for not finishing mowing his lawn so when I approached him he backhanded me to the ground. After he took me to his place to finish mowing his 5 acres he took me home. No one was at home so I spent the night crying in my room. Happy birthday to me. Though I could say that taking a whole bottle of Tylenol was an attempt but really it was a cry for help that went unanswered. That happened when I found out I was being kicked out of college because I owed to much. Though that taught me a good lesson. Dreams are only for those with the finances to chase them. Lately I've been thinking a lot about putting myself out of my misery, but I cant do it because of my children. But punching myself in the face for thinking about doing it and leaving my children makes me more depressed, which makes me want to do it more. The constant feeling of dread that i'm going to fail again or do something that will cause my family to be in even worse financial straights tears me up inside. For those that got to the end of this thanks for listening and I'm sorry if I wasted your time. Have a good day.