I'm a little embarrassed

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Soldier83, Feb 21, 2012.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    To everyone reading this i'm a little embarrassed saying that I need help to strangers. I guess lets start at the start then. I was about 6 or 7 the first time I attempted suicide. I was at a church camp in CA. and there was a rope swing that the kids were swinging on. I dont remember why but during that time no one really wanted to play with me. When I was alone one night I sneaked out and went to the swing it was in a big loop so i put my head in it and started swinging. I dont remember much of what happened but I remember waking up on the ground around 4 in the morning. So I went back to my bunk. The next time I tried was when I was around 13 years old, I am the last of a family of six. My parents got divorced because of me. I was a mistake, my father got a vasectomy and I was born 10 months later. Anyway when I was 13 we lived in a very podunk town in OK. So on my birthday when my mom went off to her new boyfriends house I went off by my self to the top of a cliff, planning to see if I could fly. When I got up there unfortunately my grandfather was waiting for me. He was mad at me for not finishing mowing his lawn so when I approached him he backhanded me to the ground. After he took me to his place to finish mowing his 5 acres he took me home. No one was at home so I spent the night crying in my room. Happy birthday to me. Though I could say that taking a whole bottle of Tylenol was an attempt but really it was a cry for help that went unanswered. That happened when I found out I was being kicked out of college because I owed to much. Though that taught me a good lesson. Dreams are only for those with the finances to chase them. Lately I've been thinking a lot about putting myself out of my misery, but I cant do it because of my children. But punching myself in the face for thinking about doing it and leaving my children makes me more depressed, which makes me want to do it more. The constant feeling of dread that i'm going to fail again or do something that will cause my family to be in even worse financial straights tears me up inside. For those that got to the end of this thanks for listening and I'm sorry if I wasted your time. Have a good day.
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You shouldn't ever be embarrassed to ask for help. There's nothing embarrassing in getting the help you need to start to feel better. I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through so many things in your life. You have your children and that's a reason you should stay here. Don't ever think you are wasting our time because that's not true and we are here to help. Maybe you can look into getting counseling or something to help with your suicidal feelings. Good luck to you.
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Soldier, welcome to SF.. hard to take all the family ignoring what you needed while growning up.. loving you did not get.. many others here that had the same.. agree with Witty that therapy with a good therapist may help you very much.. depression can also be helped with the right medications. by the way i read alf of your post.. you are hurting a lot now.. time to get some help with that... tc, Jim
     
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Welcome, this is one of the most caring and supportive communities I've found.
    Didn't waste any of my time, for years I felt like a freak because I attempted suicide as a child also, at 9 years old. Wonder what could have been had we gotten treatment then ?
    I'm getting treatment now, meds included. That might be something for you to consider.
    Please stick around, keep posting (within the FAQ) whatever is on your mind, you won't be criticized or condemned.
    You may find yourself making friends here, we all try to help each other. If you want a one-on-one conversation, send someone a PM (private message), if they're online, chances are they'll respond. Somedays I think I have the survival bit worked out, and start working on the quality.
    Hang in there, this is a good place
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2012
  5. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that I tried to talk to my mom about these feelings a long time ago, but she just shrugged it off. I tried to talk about it to my grandpa but he just smacked me and told me not to be stupid. So I just thought it was stupid for me to talk to anyone about these feelings.
     
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