I'm a lost boy, make that man !!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Fatman1966, Dec 16, 2006.

  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Ever wish you could just skip parts of your life.

    I'll be 40 on new years eve, and I'm just so not looking forward to it, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in th new year, my family has this whole party thing planned, but I just can't face.

    Already told my older brother I don't want to go out with him on my birthday, think that was going to be a surprize party at some club, but none of them know how sad I feel, I did try to let my older brother know that this was more than middle age blues, but we just don't get on well enough for me to be able to open up to him.

    Mum really upset me the other day, which is stupid at my age, she went out for a meal and there were 4 gay guys having a quiet christmas meal out, mum thought it was highly amusing, and was quite bitchy about it, I wasn't there, she told the story afterwards.

    I come from a pretty anti gay family, the only one thats really changed his point of view is my younger brother, since he employed a gay guy to work with him, before he knew he was gay.

    Every joke, every comment, every "funny" story, just chips a bit more of me away, that's me they are talking about, I am the butt of there jokes, I am that "quear" they make fun of, the gay guy in that tv show they think should never have been allowed on tv.

    I've stayed single all these years as much for them as for me, they just don't know how much I'm hurting now, how could they, my whole life I have been someone else, just smoke and mirrors, a reflection in a pond that with a single ripple will just disappear.

    I've spent so long hiding my fealing, hiding my true self, but surely one of them should be able to see behind the facade.

    Dont know where I am going to go from here, made such a mess of the last 40 years, I can't do that all over again, I only just made it this far.

    Family all got together today, lots of wives and kids, tears me apart, at some level I still want that, but I'm gay, so its never going to be possible.

    Years ago, mum sadi this to me, in the heat of an argument...

    "You haven't got a heart, just a swinging brick" how wrong she was.

    But didn't she every stop and ask her self why ?

    Sorry it turned into a bit of a rant, but just hate the way I have got to this point, and hate the thought of having to do it agian for the years I have left.

    :lost:
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Paul, this will take guts; but the next time they make a 'queer' remark just say well I'm gay.

    Possibly the fall out will reach as far down as my neck of the woods, but you've got to bite the bullet at sometime and the longer this goes on the harder it's getting.

    If they want nothing more to do with you, then so be it. By the sound of it you couldn't feel any lonelier than you do already.

    Keep us posted as to how it goes.
     
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    I'm sure there's nothing I can say that will make anything seem better, or help in any way, but I wanted you to know someone was listening... :hug:

    I'm really sorry for how you feel. I kind of relate in a small way to what you said about the comments hurting, probably more than I'd like to admit, I have a lot of, well I'll call them acquaintances because I don't really have friends, but even the people i live with, and I don't know, being young they tend to make hurtful homophobic comments...but I think I get hurt easily anyway, its certainly not to the extent of what your family sounds like. And about the hiding your true self, well I'm not entirely sure I've got one to start with lol, but I do things I guess because I feel pressured to appear normal, to stop people guesing stuff I guess...and there's other reasons...I dunno, don't like admitting it to myself so this post isnt going to go well.

    There's not reason you can't have a family just because you're gay though, surely...lots of gay men adopt don't they, I mean it might not be easy but surely not impossible, and not the same, I know....I don't know, i guess this isnt going anywhere thats going to make you feel better so I'll leave it there :smile:

    Basically, it seems like you're trying to say you're pretending and hiding a huge part of yourself from your family, society etc..and so you're missing out on well life. It can't be easy, but I mean you only get to live once, you've got to live for you, not what they want you to be. I hope that you can enjoy your party and your birthday, the next part of your life doesn't have to be the same :smile:

    :arms:
     
  4. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I did think about sending my younger brother a link to my posts here.

    But that would be too cruel, there's far too much of me spread over the board.

    He has no idea of what's been going on in my head, and it would hurt him too much to find out.

    After 39 years of telling half truths, its not going to be easy.

    How exactly do you tell someone the person they thought you were for the last 39years, the person that they love and know, isn't really you their brother, their son, that you are in fact this whole other person, that they have never met and don't really know at all.
     
  5. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    hmm reading back my post didnt make a whole lot of sense...and im sure i made it sound way too easy, was just trying to look for positives, its just I don't want to post what I really mean on the board I guess. So, sorry if I made no sense... :hug:
     
  6. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    If you are trying to say, what It sounds like your trying to say, then know that I am willing to listen, some things are really hard to say, even to your self, but deep down, you will already know

    There again I am the king of putting 2 and 2 together and making 5

    PM me if you have stuff you want to get off your chest off the board
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2006
  7. Come What(Ever) May

    Come What(Ever) May Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say man. I've never had something that major to "come out of the closet" about. But personally if they can't accept you as you, forget about them. Chronology doesn't make a person your parent. Love, understanding, teaching, and etc does. I normally don't have a problem with gay people, the only time it gets to me is when someone is overly gay. Kind of like james Brown is overly black :tongue: . That really gets to me, it seems like they are just seeking attention. BACK TO TOPIC lol! Seriously, tell them singling out gays makes you uncomfortable and if they get at you about it tell them the truth. Either that will change their views, or it will tell you to seek family elsewhere. I don't know if that helps or not but I'm rootin for you man.
     
  8. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    The trouble is I feel like such a fool, why have I waited until its almost too late to just come out and say it, how stupid have I been.

    In fact the first time I've said "I'm gay" wasn't that long ago, mind you I was drunk at the time, was walking down the middle of the main street, where I live with a drunken 23yo girl, and said it was an under statement, hehehehehe

    I shouted it out as loud as I could, mind you it was nearly 3.00am

    Believe it or not that's the first time I have said it in public, well not that public I suppose, bet I woke a few people up !!! Doh


    Looking back, why was this such a hard thing to deal with ?

    The whole world doesn't have to know, just the people that are close to me.

    I don't know any more more, spent far too long thinking about it I guess.

    So much wasted time, wasted effort, wasted emotions, wasted youth !!!

    And where has it got me ???

    Right back were I started, way back back in 1981 when I was 15 !

    Feel a bit like Buck Rogers, frozen in time and space for 25 years !

    :blink: :mad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :cry:
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

  10. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I followed the link, pretty much what I thought anyway, the "coming out to yourself" bit is pretty much on the money though, that was the hardest thing for me I suppose, that's what a lot of those years were spent running away from.

    Forgot the "mate" I mentioned at the start is on nights this week, so I wont get to see him until friday, we'll have breakfast together as normal no doubt (no he's not "that" sort of mate ! at work in the factory canteen !)

    Nearly 40 and falling to bits already, something not quite right down below now, had it once before but it went away after a day, its now been 2 days, feels a like I'm peeing myself, but I'm not ! Deep joy, prostate or bladder problems, deep deep joy and of course I'll have to wait until something does drop off before I can get over the embarrisment of it all and see a Doctor, which of course in the UK, will probably be a 3 month wait !

    I often wonder if "coming out" will actualy make a difference, its not as if I have had to fight the women off with a stick, so what chance have I got with a man, over weight, slightly graying, bearded, now soon to be smelling of piss quite a lot (with my luck) boring, empty shell of a man I turned out to be !!!!!!!

    And then there's the whole finding and meeting other gay men thing, oh god, even deeper joy !

    Ho hum, things just keep on getting better.
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Paul...GET TO THE DOCS !!!! Get the damn peeing sorted now. Might be something as small as a bladder infection. If it's your prostate you want it seen to sooner rather than later.