I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...

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LumberJack

I put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars
#1
...Except when I am not. I found this forum yesterday searching for suicide methods. I don't want to die, really. I am in so much pain though. It is severe depression. In objective reality, things have been going well for me and I have so much to be grateful for, namely good economic position and friends/family who care about me, plus a whole team of professionals trying to keep me alive.

I have an issue with substance abuse. Doesn't matter what the substance is, if it affects the central nervous system, I find some way to make it into a problem. Right now I feel like I am working super hard to achieve sobriety, but I have not been very successful. It's not that I don't care or don't want to take advice. It is more that I do not have the skills yet to resist the urges no matter what. Due to my unskillfulness, I make mistakes, but isn't that how people learn? So if that is true, though, why do people come down so hard on me for relapses. It's like I cannot do anything right - if I succeed well that is just getting to a normal level, but if I mess up then I am not in compliance/not trying hard enough/not taking suggestions, etc. I'm so frustrated and then I start to think about specific methods for taking my life.

Somehow I made it through yesterday without calling the crisis line. Last week I was not so lucky, but a couple workers from the crisis line came out to my apartment and helped calm down, as well as develop a safety plan. So that is in place now. I don't know how to cope with pain sober. I just want it to end, so I think about ending it. I need help but I would prefer to get it anonymously. I am in therapy and taking meds for depression. That just gets me from severe depression to moderate depression, and it hurts so much I don't see how it can ever end. I hope that makes sense. I am a little keyed up so I don't know if I am meandering.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#2
Hello @LumberJack. I love Monty Python!

It sounds like things are really rough for you. I don't have any answers/advice, but I was thinking about what you wrote about people coming down hard on you. I don't know the whole situation, but I do think sometimes people use "tough love" because they just aren't equipped to handle whatever it is you might be going through. It's more of a reflection on them... and not necessarily in a bad way. They are probably just as terrified as you are. I know I've fallen back on it and it rarely works, but for whatever reason it seems to be all I can muster when I'm worried the other person is in danger.

I'm glad you have a safety plan. You can write it out here. There's a section for it. It helps us understand your red flags and what we can do to help you. Anyway, glad you are here and you are working so hard to get through this. I hope you do.
 

RCee

Well-Known Member
#3
Welcome and glad you found us 🤗 mistakes, is only to be human to error. There is a wonderful community here for substance abuse. I know The feeling of “I can’t do anything right, I am trying, please “. Feels no one is really listening to you or believes you. It is a very lonely place to be. Feelings emotions bear down on us and the weight of it all makes us want to scream or we’ll find something to make us feel better. It’s the tools we learn that help us get thru the moment.
‘I am a major depressive, sometimes I feel like that’s the only feeling I have (when I’m in my head) coming here and trying to open up and making mistakes and everyone still loves and cares about me has been a huge eye opener. I hope you will start to see yourself grow here. We are all family and only want good. We are all human here your peers
🤗
 

Kira

•✮• SF Gelfling •✮•
SF Creative
SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Due to my unskillfulness, I make mistakes, but isn't that how people learn? So if that is true, though, why do people come down so hard on me for relapses. It's like I cannot do anything right - if I succeed well that is just getting to a normal level, but if I mess up then I am not in compliance/not trying hard enough/not taking suggestions, etc.
If people are treating you like that then they clearly have no idea about addiction (in my opinion)
Will you relapse? Yes. Is that normal? Yes. We're all human and if sobriety or being clean from any addiction was easy then clearly we wouldn't become or remain addicts. It's not like it's a fun existence, after all.

I'm sorry that you're being treated like this. You're obviously trying and that's the important part! It's not like you're in denial or not taking ownership. Obviously it's a very difficult process but that's exactly what it is - a process. It takes time and there will be stumbles along the way. Personally, it took me 3 stints in detox to get and stay clean. Even then, it was a very difficult process once I got home to stay that way.

Please stick around and talk to people who understand what it's like and will give you compassion because many of us have either been through it or are going through it.

If no one has said this to you lately then I'll say it, "I'm proud of you". You're trying and that's something to be very proud of!

Please take good care of yourself *brohug
 
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