...Except when I am not. I found this forum yesterday searching for suicide methods. I don't want to die, really. I am in so much pain though. It is severe depression. In objective reality, things have been going well for me and I have so much to be grateful for, namely good economic position and friends/family who care about me, plus a whole team of professionals trying to keep me alive.
I have an issue with substance abuse. Doesn't matter what the substance is, if it affects the central nervous system, I find some way to make it into a problem. Right now I feel like I am working super hard to achieve sobriety, but I have not been very successful. It's not that I don't care or don't want to take advice. It is more that I do not have the skills yet to resist the urges no matter what. Due to my unskillfulness, I make mistakes, but isn't that how people learn? So if that is true, though, why do people come down so hard on me for relapses. It's like I cannot do anything right - if I succeed well that is just getting to a normal level, but if I mess up then I am not in compliance/not trying hard enough/not taking suggestions, etc. I'm so frustrated and then I start to think about specific methods for taking my life.
Somehow I made it through yesterday without calling the crisis line. Last week I was not so lucky, but a couple workers from the crisis line came out to my apartment and helped calm down, as well as develop a safety plan. So that is in place now. I don't know how to cope with pain sober. I just want it to end, so I think about ending it. I need help but I would prefer to get it anonymously. I am in therapy and taking meds for depression. That just gets me from severe depression to moderate depression, and it hurts so much I don't see how it can ever end. I hope that makes sense. I am a little keyed up so I don't know if I am meandering.
I have an issue with substance abuse. Doesn't matter what the substance is, if it affects the central nervous system, I find some way to make it into a problem. Right now I feel like I am working super hard to achieve sobriety, but I have not been very successful. It's not that I don't care or don't want to take advice. It is more that I do not have the skills yet to resist the urges no matter what. Due to my unskillfulness, I make mistakes, but isn't that how people learn? So if that is true, though, why do people come down so hard on me for relapses. It's like I cannot do anything right - if I succeed well that is just getting to a normal level, but if I mess up then I am not in compliance/not trying hard enough/not taking suggestions, etc. I'm so frustrated and then I start to think about specific methods for taking my life.
Somehow I made it through yesterday without calling the crisis line. Last week I was not so lucky, but a couple workers from the crisis line came out to my apartment and helped calm down, as well as develop a safety plan. So that is in place now. I don't know how to cope with pain sober. I just want it to end, so I think about ending it. I need help but I would prefer to get it anonymously. I am in therapy and taking meds for depression. That just gets me from severe depression to moderate depression, and it hurts so much I don't see how it can ever end. I hope that makes sense. I am a little keyed up so I don't know if I am meandering.