I'm a miserable failure and a burden to those who try to help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by champie, May 26, 2012.

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  1. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    For the past 3 years all of my emotional energy has been spent thinking of suicide. I am 41 years old and I have been handed all the resources I could ever want to make any life I desired. Ignorance, incompetence, foolishness and recklessness destroyed it all. These last 3 years have been the pinnacle of failure. Now I am dependent on my mother to pay my rent and provide money for my minimal expenses. I am a disgrace in every facet of life and unable to convince myself that I'd even be capable of keeping or at least getting a minimum wage job.

    I am a know-nothing, done-nothing, been-nowhere, half-brained, half-assed hack who threw away opportunities that most people would seize with enthusiasm. For these reasons I deserve to die and put myself out of the my own misery as well as the misery of family and friends who "believed" in me. I'm a Class "A" disappointment, my greatest achievement.

    So here I am, after first finding SF a year ago, prepared to finish this last task by the end of the month. I have already stopped paying bills - phone, internet, storage, student loans. I will be selling the 2 worthless barely running vehicles I've destroyed through neglect (or pride, thinking I could maintain these vehicles with determination instead of real skill and knowledge) this weekend. I plan to give away or sell anything else of value that I have left after these years of physical and emotional decay.

    Decay - no, ROT, that's the word. I am rotten all the way through. I feel rotten, hollow and putrid on the inside and I know it shows on the outside to everyone, and I am ashamed that I allowed it to happen. I get no pleasure or joy from life anymore. I think that I may have never felt joy or pleasure from life, but I always had the hope or promise of a future. The future is now the past, hope is gone and promise broken.

    To people who give a shit about their life I must the saddest, most pathetic loser they are forced to endure. It's time that I get out of the way.

    It seems so stupid that I am so incapable of being a decent man in this world, but here I am - garbage.

    Thanks for reading,
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    champie, i felt exactly like you for the past several years. hugs to you.

    have you ever sought professional help? if not, i urge you to. you need someone who can give you guidance, and medications to dissipate all these accumulating sadness.

    you don't need to be a decent man, honey. just be who you are. be generous and do not harm anyone in anyway.

    your life situations can improve. no one can tell you when, but you have to be patient, determined and dedicated. don't let just the past three crappy years take away your whole life.. literally speaking.

    take care honey xxx
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    If I understand it right, you are currently getting ready to kill yourself because you consider you have no value and no future, is that what you are saying? I wonder how you mum and others you consider care about you, see you. All descriptions of you come from you and is difficult to see where they come from.Killing yourself is a scape from suffering all this sense of not feeling deserving love right?. Would you believe if I tell you that you can change these feelings to feel good again so the need to kill yourself is less intense? I haven't seeing in the chat room and you are very welcome to come be with a group of people who support and care about each other. You have tried for years to overcome these negative feelings, perhaps is just like you have tried to wrong way?, like trying to repair a bicycle with a hammer and a bit of oil. Here we can help, but you need to keep yourself safe and alive for a bit longer so you can see positive change happening.
    Take care
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    At 41, life isn't even half over as long as you stay healthy. If you have thrown away opportunities, you still have half your life to learn from that and to now start taking new opportunities to work toward health, wellness, happiness, and success. Don't say you cannot, because anybody can. You have to fight the battle. Some have to fight harder than others. Your first step is to work out the current issues (seek some assistance) and then put in place a plan for moving forward.
  5. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    edit to add: I had an emotional meltdown the day after my initial post and made the decision to give 30 day notice to move out of my apartment. Now the pressure is on and I don't think I want to go down without a fight.

    Thank you all for the replies. Of course I want to respond to each person, but even that overwhelms me. It isn't hard to type comments, but it seems nearly impossible to contemplate the answers. And that summarizes my paralysis in life - it isn't the doing that I have a problem with it's the deciding, trusting and committing that fouls me up (listen to me talk like I have it all figured out, for example. An hour from now I will think I am full of shit).

    So, sorry for just a general response. Mostly what I want to say is that I think I only have 2 choices now - get some help or drive off into oblivion. Where to start? Who to trust? How to convince myself that I am worth the investment?

    I've tried counseling in the past here and there over the last 20 years.

    - Most recently, about 18 months ago, I initiated the "Get some help" procedure and after a few weeks felt that it was pointless even though I embraced the effort initially.

    - 6 years ago included zoloft and weekly talk therapy. I think after 6 months I gave up, probably because I thought I didn't need it.

    - 12 years ago with talk therapy only I began to see myself very positively. That lasted close to 2 years.

    - Beyond 12 years ago I tried talk therapy a couple times because I was "stuck" and unsatisfied with my "progress" in education and personal achievement.

    My mother would be devastated if I didn't choose to fight for myself. But, the problem seems to be that I never fight for myself until I can't stand the pressure of nobody fighting for me.

    I have a family that would do anything they could for me. And yes, they have done everything they can and they want to do more. They don't want to give up on me but I cant stand making fools of them any longer. My apologies and thanks seem insincere, and my desperate pleas for help now sound hollow to me.

    I've definitely been doing something wrong, and at this point I'm probably doing everything wrong.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2012
  6. Hi Champie,

    I am exactly 41 too, and I have joined this forum a week ago with suicidal thoughts, but now I am more ok and trying to find solutions.

    Somehow your: "My mother would be devastated if I didn't choose to fight for myself. But, the problem seems to be that I never fight for myself until I can't stand the pressure of nobody fighting for me." comment highly makes me want to post this reply, but I don't exactly know why. I do feel related to this comment.

    A couple of days ago, I found this post about the false self: http://shalomplace.com/res/orgfss.html. I think you might be interested in reading it. May be there is an inner wound you don't know about or how to take care of. You seem to be frustrated about your own progress. May be it is that inner critical parent you need to take care of...

    Have no shame, give yourself the right to reinvent your life (my suggestion).
  7. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    wow, I haven't even clicked that link yet and I just started crying when I read your response. I just wanted to let you know that before I went any further with your suggestion. I will get back here soon to reply some more. Thank YOU and whatever other force in the universe compelled you to post!

    May you swim in a gentle sea of solutions!
  8. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    Hey Dude, your suggestion was stellar! I guess it also helps that I might be the most lucky bastard around...

    After reviewing several resources on the false self I got scared that I my true self might be lost. Those feelings precipitated an urgency that I had never felt before. I had a total breakdown of all my resistance to action. By that I mean I found myself facing 2 possibilities - oblivion or seeking help.

    I went full in asking for the help that others had been eager to provide. I knew, and they knew that I had to accept it before anyone could help. I was on the edge and despite all my foolishness, arrogance, repeated failure to learn to take care of myself, I was embraced with overwhelming love and I pulled from that edge. I desperately want my family and friends to be with me and I need them to walk by my side through this immediate struggle and beyond. I want to give them the same love they are giving me.

    Today is "the day after" I was saved. Today I have to remind myself that I ASKED for help and I was overwhelmed by the immense pool of it that was offered.

    This is how I feel:
    Thievery Corporation - Sweet Tides
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