My life was not to end up over soo soon. I was not meant for anger. Yet I punch windows, mirrors...what ever object not living that can be destroyed as I'd like to be. I AM gonna try to end me BECAUSE there IS nothing after. Perhaps no pain, perhaps no anger, perhaps no tears...no struggle. My real name is Heather...NOT Noshadow. I chose Noshadow, because I feel unseen, not recognized. I'm a stranger to my own shadow. I wish that I could die with ALL forgiveness in my heart, I wish that I could leave here..forgiven. I feel as if I am in soo many fucking pieces that I cannot count them, let alone put them/me back together. i remember as a child I wanted to be a singer....well now for years as I have tried...recorded LP's, performed, created webstites....nothing comes of it. I go to school because I've always wanted to be a cop, and I have doubts of my getting in because I've been in a mental ward and that in the past I have cut myself leaving scars. i'm 30, I cannot find purpose for my breathing, I cannot find my wanting, and will. I don't know what I need. I know what I want..... i'm tired. took a few pills.