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I'm a slave to my anger....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noshadow, Aug 27, 2008.

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  1. noshadow

    noshadow Well-Known Member

    My life was not to end up over soo soon. I was not meant for anger. Yet I punch windows, mirrors...what ever object not living that can be destroyed as I'd like to be. I AM gonna try to end me BECAUSE there IS nothing after. Perhaps no pain, perhaps no anger, perhaps no tears...no struggle.

    My real name is Heather...NOT Noshadow. I chose Noshadow, because I feel unseen, not recognized. I'm a stranger to my own shadow.

    I wish that I could die with ALL forgiveness in my heart, I wish that I could leave here..forgiven.

    I feel as if I am in soo many fucking pieces that I cannot count them, let alone put them/me back together.

    i remember as a child I wanted to be a singer....well now for years as I have tried...recorded LP's, performed, created webstites....nothing comes of it.
    I go to school because I've always wanted to be a cop, and I have doubts of my getting in because I've been in a mental ward and that in the past I have cut myself leaving scars.

    i'm 30, I cannot find purpose for my breathing, I cannot find my wanting,
    and will. I don't know what I need. I know what I want.....

    i'm tired. took a few pills.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Heather!
    Have you spoken to a therapist yet? It helps to have someone you can talk to! Myself, The only friends I have are here on the forum! It can be put under control. Occasionally you slip and thatis when the forum comes in handy. You have a wide variety of advice so you can pick what mostly fits what you are going thru.
    I firmly beleive everyone needs is a doctor, meds, therapist. It takes a while to get everything in sinc! I probably aren't making any sence. My doctor changed some of my meds. The one is making me hallucinate, seeing spots in front of my eye's, racing heart, clenching jaws, and a few others. I stopped taking it three days ago. I have been going thru some major withdrawls.
    I called him and he told me to quit taking it,well no shit asshole. He didn't put me on something else!! So I am going to try to get in as an emergency.
    Be very aware of what you are prescribed! I looked mine up and found they are meds for people with scytzophrenia. He keeps insisting I have that. He asks me everytime I see him are you hearing voices? I tell him no but I see things. I am ready to yell my head off. The only reason I haven't commited is because my daughter and grandaughter have moved in with us. I can't very well do anything with them here. She lost her license for two years So I am playing taxi. Oh well. Take Care...:chopper:...
  3. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    at least you release your anger, I am the only person in the world who lets their anger eat away at them and I have many health problems as a result, I think I am about to check into a mental hospital
  4. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Hello, Noshadow. :hiya:

    I have a lot of anger, too. I don't punch things, though I usually want to and often imagine myself beating the crap out of whatever's angering me. Sometimes I stay in rages for hours, and I often hold a grudge.

    I find what helps me deal with my anger is to talk about it. Discussing it with someone lets me vent my frustrations and sometimes even gives me a better perspective on the situation. Our own lovable SF can be a good place to do this. Even if no one responds to your post--it happens, and not because the post is "bad" in any way; posts just slip through the cracks--writing down what's on your mind can be helpful in itself.

    Let us know how it's going. :hug:
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Heather. Try not to let your anger get the better of you. I'm an amateur singer too and I find that its a great way to calm down and let off excess energy. It's also a very enjoyable hobby. Please try and find the strength to carry on. :hug:
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Have you tried channeling that anger energy you have inside of you into something else. Since your into singing, that would be a good way to release that energy. Don't let the anger get the better of you.
  7. noshadow

    noshadow Well-Known Member

    I have no energy for my music, though I have a headliner coming up next week.

    I put all this shit into my music, yet it's still in me. I'm in therapy every week, I'm on meds.

    But when it comes down to it, I just don't want to live. I'm just too alone, to fucking rejected....I was not meant for this time, and I'm tired.

    Just trying to come up with a SURE way, that wont leave me as a veg.

    I never wanted to die soo bad in my life.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Suicide is just not the answer hun. It's a permanent solution for temporary problems. Also, your life doesn't sound all that bad.
  9. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    how do you know it is always temporary, lets say you have chronic health problems and you are most likely going to get worse
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Ah yea but if you kill yourself today...something brilliant could be right around the corner...like a lottery win or something amazing. But you will never know if you don't stick around to find out.
    *feels like a hypocrite*
  11. noshadow

    noshadow Well-Known Member

    On the outside of me there is - no job, no friends, I'm alone, yet partnered, on unemployment and in school.

    So no, NOT HORRIBLE, I agree.

    On the inside of me there is - constant saddness, the feeling of rejection, of being a nobody, ANGER like I've never known it before. AMAZING lonliness. The feeling that there is no point to life. Day after day I get to sit with these thoughts that I cannot get rid of. A constant depression, and a wanting to giving up.

    So, Dave N - not everyone wants to commit suicide because of a certain OUTSIDE issue in their life. Hopelessness is NOT outside, it's inside, faithless also inside.

    And I'm sorry but that saying, "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is bullshit! You have people on here that have been depressed for over 20 years!!! I'm thinking that 20 years is not so temporary. Saddness is not always temporary. Feelings are not always temporary.
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry Heather. I didn't realize just how bad things were for you on the inside. What I mean about suicide being a permanent solution for temporary problems, is that once your dead, you can't come back to life. But even though you're suffering right now, there is a chance that you can turn things around in your life and start enjoying life. You just have to learn to control your anger issues.
  13. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Both life and death are a game of roulette. Place your bets where you thik you'll get returns, but ultimately you can win or get screwed no matter what you do.
  14. noshadow

    noshadow Well-Known Member

    wow Austere Night - That sounded like a line from the movie, Rounders.

  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Heather,
    They have meds for the anger. I was in the hospital with a guy who had major anger with his family. He s*****d his brother during one of these episodes. His family didn't press charges but the Sate did. His therapist and nurse practitioner went to bat for him in court saying his meds had calmed him down. I don't know if I can say what he was on so I will just say check into it with your doctor...Good Luck and I hope some of this helps!!:chopper:!!
  16. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Anger anger anger. God, I know what you mean. My whole family has anger problems. I have anger problems. Fortunately I can control mine. My brother can't though. He blacks out and we have had issues with that problem. I don't really know what to say cause everything feels so hypocritical at this point. I've punched a few things, really liked the pain and I totally understand what you mean about the destroying everything so that it looks how you feel on the inside. I've had problems with that and a shiny little thing called a razor. That's how I let the beast I call Anger out.
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Thank God that I've never gotten to the point where I couldn't control my anger. It sounds so awful to break things and punch holes in walls when the anger is just too much.
  18. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    think ill be using that (with your permission of course austerenight:biggrin:)
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