I'm a %$&^ sleeper.

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by Twowires, Jan 16, 2007.

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  1. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    I can't sleep anymore, I think I've transcended the mortal need for sleep :laugh: , getting about 4 hours a night and I'm functioning well enough, used to catch up on weekends, but that stopped too, I haven't slept properly for over a week now, maybe 2.

    When I do sleep, its punctuated with horrific nightmares, that upset me tremendously in my day to day life. When you're doing your exams and all you can remember is a dream, you know you're going to fail, and that just stresses you out, and you don't sleep again. Ergo, sleep causes less sleep. Vicious cycle. :mad:

    But the dreams I have, they're all different from what they used to be like. I have gender dysphoria, so if I dreamt of being a girl, I'd be happy (if a little dissapointed) on waking. Now... Every dream I have I'm not me anymore, I'm always female, I always look different, but I retain some characteristics, and I always know its me.

    The dreams are hard to describe, so I'm just going to launch into them.


    The first one I had just before my 17th in November. I'm a girl, but I'm seeing myself in the 3rd person, and I'm in a dark place, theres a shaft of light that I'm in. And that's it. Nothing else at all.

    But I look closer at myself, and I'm bleeding, I've been mutilated beyond recognition, but I know it's me, and I know I'm in pain, and I can see a prettiness in that pain, I'm happy that I'm female, but I (she?) is crying, and I'm racked with fear, all she does is sob and cry and ocasionally scream.

    And I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of that pain and I can feel myself hating myself (confusing you yet?) towards the end, because of this fear It's causing me.

    This dream went on for ages, just me in the shaft of light crying and screaming, bleeding everywhere (yet there was no blood on the floor), and myself (as a disjointed, invisible entity) watching in fear until I woke up.




    The most recent dream was last night, I was outside college, and I had been lumbered with a mentor, or a guardian kind of person because I was a complete failure. At first I tried to joke with them but they just told me that they weren't here to joke and that anything I said wasn't funny and just further proof of how much I wasn't taking anything seriously.

    So I just thought, screw this, I'm not taking this abuse, I turned round to see all the happy students messing round in a series of pools, it was hot, the weather had changed, the streets near it looked like a dusty, dry California bouelevard (didn't strike me as odd, I expected it to be there).

    So I thought I'd join in, I jumped straight in, ignoring my tag-a-long telling me not to. The bottom of the pool was mucky and dirty, there was 2 inches of water in it at most. So I blamed the 1 piece swimsuit for it, and told the guy I was going to go buy a bikini.

    Someone recommended at some point I go see a Miss (insert stereotypical Chinese name I can't remember). So I went to the market, which looked like a delapidated shanty town, and found her stall, she herself was haggling with a pretty black woman about a fake travel pass.

    I immediately saw the bikini I wanted (red and white vertical stripes :tongue: ) and asked to buy it, a middle aged woman in a business suit told me that Miss (I think it was Cheng.. or something similar) was busy and she would take me into the backroom to measure me up.

    So I followed her into the backroom, it was like a very small piercing parlour (bed, sink, white, sterylised) but with a huge mirror taking up most of the wall, so I took my top off (one of the shared characteristics of my dream personas seems to be small breasts) and the camera angle (if that could be applied here) changed, and I was watching from the mirror to see myself shirtless with my top dragged over my head.

    The woman suddenly span round and dabbed me with a wet cotton wool which was incredibly cold andmade my chest go numb (I was watching from my own body again), I wanted to say something but it all came out slow and quiet, suddenly she smashed the mirror, very silent and methodical (view changed again, I was looking through what remained of the mirror) and grabbed a piece of glass. She started mutilating me,(view changes back to 1st person..) all along my chest and stomach, great vertical, bloody marks, about a foot long each, without a word or anything, and I was screaming for her to stop, but I couldn't make much sound, and I couldn't move due to the numbing liquid she dabbed on me, but I could still feel the pain she was inflicting on me.

    I don't know how, but I escaped, and they (I associated 'them' with the chinese woman, and it seemed like they ran the whole place) were looking for me, and the place was just like a shanty town, I managed to get into a car with 2 guys, they had leprousy and cancer, but they were very friendly. Then someone phoned and woke me up, huzza.



    So yeah, theres more, many more, some jump out at me and some are hard to remember. I don't even know what I want to achieve writing this here. It's just.. since my dream last night I've been so depressed, so expectant and upset, even angry, I need something to happen, or I'm going to something or just fall back into the routine. And I don't know what to do anymore.

    If you read this, thanks, feel free to say anything it will probably make me feel a lot better :smile:
     
  2. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    Those are definitely some pretty wicked nightmares. I can see why they tend to stick with you...

    I hope you can get some restful sleep soon.
     
  3. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    Heh me too, 15 to 4 and I just can't drop off =(

    Thanks for posting, good to know people do read this, hehe
     
  4. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    No problem. Wish I had some advice for you but I can't sleep for sh*t these days either. :biggrin: *restless sleeper secret handshake*
     
  5. Twowires

    Twowires Active Member

    ::restless sleeper secret high-5 maneouvour::

    Aww :sad: sorry to hear that, hope you manage to snatch some rest sooner than I do :biggrin:, if not, hey! We can keep each other company!

    ::grabs the (redundant) sleeping bags and marshmellows::
     
  6. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    Woot! (Non)sleepovers are awesome. :laugh:

    And thank you, I'm sure I'll conk out eventually. Gotta sleep sometime, right?

    Feel free to pm me sometime if you see me around when you can't sleep. I'm probably hiding from nightmares as well. The games they have going on in the coffeehouse section here are pretty fun sometimes too. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2007
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