• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

I'm a terrible friend

#1
Here's some backstory. This is very childish and immature. But I am quite an unstable person. I am very emotional and insecure so this situation is making me want to kill myself. I know I'm being dramatic but I can't help it. Please don't judge. Thank you.

I've had a very close friend this entire year.
I live in France, here we are in semi-confinement, so you're allowed to have gatherings up to 10 people.
During this period I have seen most of my friends except her. She has seen most of her friends except me.
I kept inviting her to my place, just us two or a party, whatever she wants. She kept saying her parents wouldn't let her but then would go to other people's parties and meet up with her other friends. I was getting very hurt but didn't tell her.
Finally this week I told her she's welcome to come to my house whenever she wants to come. She said she can't because she's travelling soon so she doesn't want to risk anything. Then that same evening I find out she went to a sleepover with another two friends of mine. I was very upset and my insecurities were getting worse. So the next day I sent her a screenshot of her with those friends and then wrote underneath "social distancing eh? go fuck yourself".
She is my closest friend and was clearly taking the piss out of me, well that's what I thought when I sent that. I deemed it a complete lack of respect for our friendship.
Then she said I had no faith in her and that she does want to see me but that her parents are very strict.
I apologized for my harshness but continued to say that I feel terrible because of this situation.
She then sent me multiple paragraphs explaining herself and apologizing that I had that impression.
Then I said sorry again for being a bitch. She replied with hearts.

Everything sounds fine, right? Yeah, it is. We're fine, we talk normally.
BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I feel so incredibly guilty for causing her pain that I want to rip all my fucking hair out. I hate myself so much right now. I want to cry but I won't let myself because I'm the bitch in this situation and I don't deserve to feel relief. I feel like an evil person.
Now I'm convinced everybody hates me. She probably told her friends, who are my friends. Now they hate me for being mean and I've lost all my friends. I'm now all alone and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm supposed to meet one of those friends on Saturday, what am I going to do? Act like nothing happened? She won't like me anymore. And I love that girl.
If my family find out what I did they won't love me either. I don't deserve their love or respect anymore. I will lose everything.
I really want to be a good person but when I get angry I can't express it without hurting anyone, but then if I don't express it I'm hurting myself.
I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I'm losing my mind, please someone help me. Usually, n these situations I cut myself but I'm really trying not to self-harm but I cannot deal with this. I can't take it and it's only been a few hours. Can somebody tell me how to get rid of this uncontrollable guilt, I hate it so much. I can't deal with it.

Please don't judge my overreaction, I can't control it. I'm currently convinced my entire life has been destroyed. Help me.

Thank you.
 

RCee

Well-Known Member
#3
I could be wrong on this but from myself and how I get we sound alike ! And I have been in a slight same situation

Truth tho if she really was still pissy or pissed at all she wouldn’t even try to send any type of reasoning why she isn’t going over to see you

Seems like she really truly care about you and seems you truly care about her

There are so many things we don’t kniw about a situation
What’s in our minds what we are thinking

Friends try and help each other to not feel bad

And I believe you both were trying to do exactly that !

We all over react our emotions run high the people understand us and love us at the end of the day are the people to keep around seems like you have that

Be kind to yourself
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#4
What you said was slightly harsh, but being harsh wasn't your intention. Your intention was to show you're hurt, upset and don't understand - rightfully so. I wouldve felt incredibly hurt if someone did that with me, and it's worse if its someone you're close with. It's understandable what you did, and by the sounds of it, your friend can see that too.

Try not to hate yourself for feeling a certain way. Sometimes we act out because of that, but it's only a cry of help or pain. You were hurt, and we all say things like that when we are hurt. As above, she's forgiven you - you deserve to forgive yourself.

I know it's tricky and feels bad. But trust me, you don't need to feel guilty. Hold your head high and show a little love to yourself - you deserve it. It's clear you care a lot, and in my opinion, caring deserves to be reciprocated.

Sending huge hugs

Em
 
#5
breathe, it's ok ♥
I totally understand how you feel as I also "overreact" and can get insecure and anxious and think friends think badly of me for mistakes I've made or things I've said out of impulse etc. I also struggle with thinking of worse case scenario and immense guilt. It is very hard to deal with, but remind yourself that you didnt intend any harm, and you showed remorse, so that makes up for it and shows you're a good and worthy person ♥
I don't think your reaction to your friend was that surprising really, because on surface level it does look suspicious and unfair that your friend can hang out with other friends but supposedly can't with you, it doesnt seem to add up, I'd have felt exactly the same as you and felt insecure, hurt and angry too. But if you trust your friend, focus on that rather than what things look like ♥ Things can look really bad but actually not be as bad as they seem for multiple reasons. Maybe her parents were just fussy at some times more than others, but not because it had anything to do with you personally.
But you said sorry and she forgave you, that's great, she could obviously see that you were hurt and that what she did didn't look great and seemed pretty thoughtless so it's really good she recognized that and said sorry.

Try not to think the worst about your other friends thinking badly of you, I think you're judging yourself too harshly. You were hurt and confused and annoyed and when you're in a mindset like that it's easy to swear at people or snap at them and act on impulse. People will realize that, and the most important thing is you knew it wasn't the best thing to do and you said sorry, you took responsibility for your actions, that shows you're a good person and that's what people should focus on, not the mistake you made. They shouldnt judge you for how you acted when you felt hurt. Try not to assume things either, your close friend might not have even told anyone else what you said. Why would she?! Unless she has a grudge, which it doesn't sound like she does ♥

I do understand the guilt though, I struggle with guilt massively too for things I said out of hurt or anxiety or annoyance etc. It kinda torments you doesnt it? but we're good people. The fact you feel so much guilt is evidence in itself that you aren't a bad person- a truly bad person wouldn't feel guilty at all. Don't hold this against yourself, our mistakes don't define us. How we act when we feel hurt etc does not define us. Everyone slips up, everyone snaps or says things they regret when they feel hurt or bad in any way. The important thing is you didn't intend to hurt anyone, and you said sorry, and your friend said sorry, and it's all good now. You'll feel better soon. Please don't self-harm, your friend would NOT want you to do that. You don't deserve that.
*hug
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$90.00
Goal
$255.00
Top