I'm a terrible girlfriend -.-

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Cooki, Jan 15, 2015.

  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I like my boyfriend. I don't quite love him though. I keep him thinking I did though, because I don't want to be alone and I don't want him to be alone. I like my ex so much more than my boyfriend and I actually feel something for him. In the holidays, my ex and I kept sending each other messages all day, some more "usual" than others. He once promised me to "play" with me (okay, actually more than just once, but only once in the holidays) if you know what I mean (note: I'm not too young. Please don't try to change my mind about that in general, I won't listen '^^). I would really like to meet up with my ex and it makes me feel guilty to even think about betraying my boyfriend... I know that the relationship will end at last when I'll study, so I know this won't be forever anyway, but still I can't leave him or so because I don't want to break his heart (again.....) :/ My boyfriend is a nice guy and I know that he's a lot better for my mental health than my ex could ever be, but I somehow feel like I can't be happy without my ex (and I'd be really really really sad if I were alone :/)
    I'm terrible, right? I somehow want to know if there's some others out there that are in a similar situation or already got over it. I guess I need some good advice on how to go on... Or I'll be stuck with this situation until I can study and move there and find friends and all that (a fresh start is what I'd really need now. Well, I'll get through the next 3 years of school somehow).
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Your not terrible, just human.
    Unluckily the people we most enjoy being with are not the best for us. I just ended a relationship like that. Just be clear to your BF that you do not expect it to last past you going on to study. You are already thinking about what your actions will do to another person. Keep thinking about that and what is best for you.
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    There's no good ending in stringing along another person in a relationship you're unhappy in and don't see any long term potential. Be honest and go separate ways. Pursue your ex if you think there's a genuine love interest there. There's no way you can prevent hurt in a situation where emotions are involved, especially a romantic one. All you can do is mitigate the damage by being upfront, and accepting that sometimes people aren't meant to be together, and that's okay. It's part of living and exploring what you like and what works best for you.

    Good luck. :)
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'm able to leave my boyfriend.. he's a really nice guy but no one seems to see that so he's quite lonely... and I think he'd be extremely upset and sad if I ended the relationship after almost 2 years ._. Best would have been if I hadn't talked to him any after I had broken up some time last year. But I knew he was really sad and I hate when people are sad because of me... I don't want anyone to be sad at all... that's why I hate this world I guess.
    I would really like to get together with my ex again, but he's just not the kind of guy who wants a relationship with someone like me. I want someone to protect me, he also wants someone to protect him and just hold him in her arms so that he feels safe. He said I can't be this to him, said I'm too active for being able to calm him, but he also said that he likes me, just doesn't want to be with me, which should be okay, but somehow it feels like it isn't :/
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The fact is the relationship should have ended or changed long ago if you know you do not love him and still are more interested in somebody else. Stringing along a fragile lonely person is not "doing them a favor" and no matter how many ways you try to convince yourself it is for his sake it absolutely is not. Tell him you happy to date and hang out, but do not love him and still have feelings for somebody else and let him decide. That is how you treat with kindness- by treating with respect and dignity.
  6. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    yup.. not a good idea to use someone for killing your loneliness.
  7. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    The problem.with letting him decide is that when I left him the first time, I had told him everything and he should know I can't change my feelings for my ex. He had said he doesn't want to loose me even if I don't love him because he does love me... And I don't want him to be unhappy.. If it was only about me, I would have left him at the first try, but I just can't see him cry... I'd really like to break up with him right now, but he's currently at work and he had told me that he just goes there every day so that he'll be able to make me happy some day.. The problem arises at the point when I will go to study. I've known that he wouldn't come with me and I also knew that he would never move away from here. He always kept my mind focussed on getting away from here, away from my parents but he never would want to go away from his family. So yeah, when I finally go to another federal state to study, he will just stay here anyway. I told myself that I'll leave him at the next halfway good point. Can't really leave him in January or February though because it has just been Christmas and he spent quite an amount of money on a present for me and I would feel really bad if I left him "right after Christmas". Next time I break up I'll make sure I won't look at what messages he sent me. I'd have to be at his place though because last time the problem mainly was that he had to drive home and I was scared that he might have an accident because of this situation.
    Iiiiii'm writing too much xD
  8. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    I can understand you, your ex is probably better looking and is kind of a "bad boy" unlike your current bf....... It just makes you horny (sorry if this is over the top, but I think it's correct).... From experience I think nothing good for your mental health can happen if you continue to be in contact with your ex or if you do something more.... IMO you are betraying your bf anyway as we speak.. Maybe I'm little bit harsh but Im just beeing honest...
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you have already told him your feelings and made clear that in your mind there is not really a future then you are not really leading him on I guess - at some point free will is exactly that he can choose to try to change your mind and hope but so long as not misleading him about the feelings being reciprocated then you have done your part. Only you know if that is the situation. If you are still saying "i love you" or engaging in discussions about the future without pointing out that you do not see how it is going to work out then you know what you are doing and how to change it. So far as "he should know - unless you say it directly expecting him to guess or surmise is not fair at all- people cannot read minds. Blunt and direct or or there is manipulation happening intentional or not.

    Relationships are hard, trying to do the right thing is hard, and even knowing what the right thing is can be hard. As long as you are trying your best and not intentionally playing somebody, trying to see it from both ways, etc. then you are doing the best you can and doing the best you can does not make you a terrible girlfriend or person at all - just human, even if people get hurt sometimes.
  10. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    ahan ..nice tip .. i should try to b a bad boy
  11. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Johnny: yeah, my ex is more of a bad boy and you're actually correct with everything you wrote (only that I don't see the betraying point in thinking about someone else '^^). Guess I needed that little kick in the ass right now, so naah, you're not too harsh '^^

    NYJmpMaster: I promised myself not to lie to him ever, so I never say "I love you" but I make it an "I like you" (sounds much better in German though '^^). He himself told me that feelings can't be changed and as he knew I never had felt love for him (or actually anyone else; not sure if I ever actually felt love but I'm sure that I like my ex more than my boyfriend, but that's another topic xDD) because I had told him so, he should know I still don't feel that for him. It still sounds like I want him to read my mind, but he actually should know. We haven't really talked about the future except for the thing with getting away from here as soon as possible and him not following me.

    Thank you for all the replies..! Last time I had a thread here I've been waiting weeks until I got an answer '^^