I'll start off with the fact that my dad used to beat me with a belt when I was younger. I have SEVERE Bipolar and a history of schizophrenia and two suicide attempts. It all started in middle school when I realized I was gay and hated every minute of it, no one knew but I was. Then when high school came around everything was fine until I was prescribed adderall I lost touch with my emotions and started doing drugs Junior year, but just ones like marajuana and alcohol. My friend always got alcohol of this cop so I figured I'd give it a try. While I was sitting on his couch he made a move on me and ended up giving me a blowjob. He was 28 and really fat and actually ended up killing himself recently. At the time I thought this was no problem and I had no confidece so I couldn't say no, so it happened a couple other times. Which is very unfortunate. I was so confused at the time I couldn't tell right from wrong. The depression led to more drug use and by senior year up until freshman year in college I did LSD and Shrooms, <mod edit> and other drugs that can mess up the brain. I went to a very good college and got one year under my belt but unfortunately I didn't learn my lesson. I was looking for love on this site manhunt which I wanna burn to the ground right now and had people offering me money for my body. Which I accepted around 3 times, I absolutely hate myself for this. After freshman year in college I spent my whole summer in a mental hospital for schizophrenia, thinking demons were out to get me, that I ruled the world, that the government was watching everything I did. The doctor told my mom I'd be like this for the rest of my life. eventually I snapped out of it, returned to college as a sophmore and got kicked out for a manic episode. I basically was manic due to the prozac and ended up taking a bunch of extacy my roommates had and blacking out after a seizure. alltogether from 19-22 ive spend a year in a mental hospital Im hiv - so I kept looking for potential guys to date, I found one but he was a major alcoholic but I just needed a little affection, he asked me if I had any secret and I told him about the guy and the alcohol and he never talked to me again, it didn't help that I got a manic episode after we knew each other for two weeks. I tried to take classes again and was successful for 4 of them but for this recent semester I had to drop 3 of them due to depression and a eventual hospitalization making my parents lose money. It hard cause even if I know I'm on a good roll, I have this mindset that history repeats itself and I'll eventually crash again, and this guilt that I have is unbearable sometimes to the point where I can't even function in life. So I got to worry about guilt and losing my mind constantly. I feel like I fucked up bad and I'm only 22 and theres no turning back, I'm afraid if I reach a 3rd suicide attempt this ones going to be successful. This is the first time I was ever detailed about this or even wrote about it, help.