I'm a terrible human being and deserve to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fender00, Apr 23, 2013.

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  1. Fender00

    Fender00 New Member

    I'll start off with the fact that my dad used to beat me with a belt when I was younger.

    I have SEVERE Bipolar and a history of schizophrenia and two suicide attempts.

    It all started in middle school when I realized I was gay and hated every minute of it, no one knew but I was. Then when high school came around everything was fine until I was prescribed adderall I lost touch with my emotions and started doing drugs Junior year, but just ones like marajuana and alcohol.

    My friend always got alcohol of this cop so I figured I'd give it a try. While I was sitting on his couch he made a move on me and ended up giving me a blowjob. He was 28 and really fat and actually ended up killing himself recently. At the time I thought this was no problem and I had no confidece so I couldn't say no, so it happened a couple other times. Which is very unfortunate. I was so confused at the time I couldn't tell right from wrong.

    The depression led to more drug use and by senior year up until freshman year in college I did LSD and Shrooms, <mod edit> and other drugs that can mess up the brain.

    I went to a very good college and got one year under my belt but unfortunately I didn't learn my lesson. I was looking for love on this site manhunt which I wanna burn to the ground right now and had people offering me money for my body. Which I accepted around 3 times, I absolutely hate myself for this.

    After freshman year in college I spent my whole summer in a mental hospital for schizophrenia, thinking demons were out to get me, that I ruled the world, that the government was watching everything I did. The doctor told my mom I'd be like this for the rest of my life. eventually I snapped out of it, returned to college as a sophmore and got kicked out for a manic episode. I basically was manic due to the prozac and ended up taking a bunch of extacy my roommates had and blacking out after a seizure.

    alltogether from 19-22 ive spend a year in a mental hospital

    Im hiv - so I kept looking for potential guys to date, I found one but he was a major alcoholic but I just needed a little affection, he asked me if I had any secret and I told him about the guy and the alcohol and he never talked to me again, it didn't help that I got a manic episode after we knew each other for two weeks.

    I tried to take classes again and was successful for 4 of them but for this recent semester I had to drop 3 of them due to depression and a eventual hospitalization making my parents lose money.

    It hard cause even if I know I'm on a good roll, I have this mindset that history repeats itself and I'll eventually crash again, and this guilt that I have is unbearable sometimes to the point where I can't even function in life. So I got to worry about guilt and losing my mind constantly. I feel like I fucked up bad and I'm only 22 and theres no turning back, I'm afraid if I reach a 3rd suicide attempt this ones going to be successful.

    This is the first time I was ever detailed about this or even wrote about it, help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2013
  2. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Hello Fender00
    Thank you very much for sharing some of the story of your life. You have gone through a lot in a short period of time and I admire that you seem to be fighting back all the time too, trying not to let your overwhelming feelings be the main theme in your life but finding hope somehow. Unlike what the doctor said to you, no one can really say whether you are going to stay feeling this way for a while or not, so keep finding creative ways to make sense of being alive. You seem to feel lonely but here you are not alone, we share this sense of community where each other is going through their very own hell. That means we aim to understand and support each other as much as we can until the crisis is over. Keep in contact and don’t forget to use the chat room at any time. Just like anyone in this group, no matter what others have done to you, no matter what you have done to others , we all deserve a better life. It may seems that you have no control of our life but in reality, we can do small things everyday to prove otherwise. We are in this together Fender, You are not alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2013
  3. Fender00

    Fender00 New Member

    Thanks yep, I your right everyone's got their own version of hell, I guess I gotta rearrange my own hell.
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