I'm a terrible person - I deserve to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RedL, Aug 21, 2014.

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  1. RedL

    RedL New Member

    I deserve to die because I am a terrible person.

    This isn't a statement I'm making because I'm depressed, I'm not really sure I am depressed. I'm more anxious than depressed and underpinning the anxiety are these overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.

    I don't know whether to tell you what I've done. I don't want any extra hate - I hate myself enough already. But, believe me, it isn't a little thing.

    The thing is, nobody but me knows what I've done. I'm carrying all this shame and guilt silently and it is killing me. Somedays are slightly better than others but more and more, all I think about is dying. It would come as such a shock to everyone though, because it's only my secret making me feel like this. It would destroy my mum and dad and brothers.

    I just don't know what to do because I don't think I can live like this, but it's not an option to tell the truth. That's why I keep coming back to the idea of suicide. It feels like my only option.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome,

    I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. I think it would help to share what you've done and are going through so perhaps we can help you, offer suggestions etc..

    Don't worry. I don't think there isn't anything I have not heard here, a lot of people share their deepest most inner secrets here, no-one is going to judge you, we will try and support you! Suicide is never an only or good option. Good luck :hug:
  3. RedL

    RedL New Member

    I feel like it's a long story and people won't understand if I just shorten it. It sounds worse when I shorten it. I'm just so upset with myself. I know I've done lots of good things in my life but I can't get past this at the moment. I just don't know whether to try and wait it out or assume it'll never get better.
  4. RedL

    RedL New Member

    I'm going to tell you because I don't know what I have to lose...

    I'm one of five siblings, the only girl, and my mum is a single parent. My brothers have lots of difficulties, including autism, ADHD and ODD. Growing up my life was hard and I supported my mum, bringing up my brothers like an equal rather than like a child myself. This doesn't necessarily impact on the story of what I've done but it's helped me to try and understand myself better, and try to understand why I did what I did. I was, and am completely loved but maybe not in the way that your child should be? I'm not blaming my mum at all, it's just the only way I understand it.

    Anyway, I'm now 23 and work as a teacher. During my first year of work my mum got breast cancer. Eventually, someone at school found out, and said that as employers they would be supportive etc. They were supportive, but in particular, one colleague kind of adopted me. I was having a hard time, my mum was really sick, my brothers still needed looking after and I was trying to look after them all and keep working full time. This lady saw that, she saw that I needed mothering and she did that for me.

    At first, this was fine. It felt so good to have someone looking out for me, someone caring about me, with no strings attached. But then I fucked up, I liked the love and care and attention too much. When my mum started to get better and then after a year was told she was in remission, I couldn't face the idea of losing this love and support from my colleague. So I lied.

    Instead of saying she was getting better, I said that she was getting worse. After a few months I said that she was terminal. My colleague got more supportive and I started to behave more badly. Then, I said that she had died. Obviously I got more support, but I found that it wasn't enough, so I started to seek out more love from her. I gave her letters that I'd written to my 'dead mum' I cried in her classroom. Her support never wavered.

    So, it's like my life has now become a lie. She thinks I'm this incredibly strong young woman, who's coped with her mum's death, teaches full time and looks after her four brothers. She thinks that I'm this amazing person when the truth is the opposite. The fact that she thinks something when it's so untrue is destroying me. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

    I love my mum so much. But I didn't just tell one lie. Once I said she was dying I carried the lie on. She 'died'. And I 'grieved' and I manipulated situations so that she would see my suffering and help, support and love me. She did but now I don't think I can live with the guilt about what I've done.

    We've both since left that school and gone to different ones, which we'll start after the summer holidays. I don't know if I can last till then though. I thought that once we went our separate ways, things would settle down. It might sound bad but I thought if I stopped seeing her, I would be able to stop lying. But she keeps texting me, she's still trying to look after me so I can't escape my lie.

    I know I've messed up, I regret it so much. I just think that she offered me a kind of love and support that my mum hasn't been able to because I've always had to be strong for her. I could finally be vulnerable and allow myself to be looked after and I liked it too much. I know there must be something psychologically wrong with me.

    I just don't know what to do now. Telling the truth isn't an option at the moment. She wouldn't forgive me, my mum would find out and everyone else at that school would also hear the truth. They'd hate me and I might somehow lose my job. It also seems to be unnecessary hurt for her. She'll know she's been lied to and manipulated. She'll be so hurt. If I could move on and know that the secret would remain buried I would. I think it would hurt less people and I've learnt never to lie again. But it's not being buried, she's still going to look after me. So what do I do? It feels like suicide is the only way of escaping the guilt and shame. I know I'm terrible, and this is karma etc. but my intention was never to hurt anyone.
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Okay... I am not going to pretend that what you did was okay because we both know it wasn't - but its done now. You fucked up and you did something pretty awful, but certainly not "deserve to die" awful. I understand how one lie becomes two lies and two lies become a mountain of lies you are suddenly buried under. There is nothing psychologically abnormal about craving love and care - especially if you you never really experienced it before. For someone who has always had to look after themselves/be the person who does the looking after, having someone want to love and take care of you instead can be addictive. Believe me, I know.

    So okay, at the risk of sounding morally corrupt I am going to say that while coming clean might feel like the 'right' thing to do, you shouldn't. At the moment this lovely woman believes she spent months being a good friend to a deserving person - feels the benefit of having given needed support and is absolutely fine. You tell her, she feels like shit. That isn't okay. She doesn't deserve that. However much you might want to unburden yourself of the guilt. I would actually suggest you start telling her happy things. Reply to her texts with positive things, tell her you have been out places, made new friends, are getting on with life. Divest her of the responsibility of looking after you and let the friendship drift with her feeling like she did an awesome job of helping you through it.

    Suicide is NOT the only way - in fact suicide would only make her feel like she didn't try hard enough to help you. That would suck too. You're not terrible - you screwed up. Put it behind you and pay her kindness forward to other people - use it as a lesson and if you think that you are in fact psychologically damaged (and it is possible that emotional neglect - even if completely unintentional - has left you with some attachment issues) see a doctor, explain, and get some help.
  6. RedL

    RedL New Member

    I agree, I don't think it's right to tell her, even if I would feel less guilty. But I don't know if I can actually live feeling like this. That's why I'm not really considering coming clean as a way forward. That's why I feel like the way forward is to die. It's not just a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card, I don't want to continue to make things worse by living a lie. I want to end what I've done but the only way I see of doing this is to end my life.

    And if she persists in trying to stay in touch then I feel like it's inevitable she'll find out the truth eventually anyway.

    I know I've brought it on myself but that doesn't make what I'm going through now any easier.
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Killing yourself and making her feel like she failed you completely will only make it 100x worse for her. I would even go so far as to say part of that thought process is simply another way to continue to get that feeling - to get that attention youer were getting with the story of your mom now that has stopped working and is not there anymore because of guilt. I will also tell you this is not even very uncommon a situation,. It is a little less common in real life so to speak but online it is so common that i wild go so far as to say 1,3rd of the time the stories are just stories (based purely on completely non scientific "because I think so and the number of times I have tried to help and found out things were different after I got more involved).

    What you really need to do is seek some counseling to help you deal with your feelings of guilt and to strategize the best way to move forward. Somebody is going to hurt in all this- that is clear- but nobody needs to hurt so much that it is worth ending their life over. Telling her is simply going to transfer the pain from you to her in my opinion but the eventuality of her finding out the truth is certainly there as well.

    Find a counselor or therapist and explain the situation and get some help with both the situation and the feelings that led to this not as rare or uncommon situation as you you think it is. Don't hate yourself for doing something millions of others have as well- just learn and figure out how to move forward and get some help doing that.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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