I'm a total failure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Aug 2, 2008.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I haven't accomlished anything in my life, it's just one screw up after another. Getting kicked out of school more times then I can count on one hand, smoking dope doing other drugs when my brain was still growing(ecstasy). I've never had a real job and I'm close to 23, letting anxiety and drugs control my life. I've also had alot of health problems some being bad luck others brought on by myself. Allergies where I felt so miserable it was dehabilatating...

    Looking for little things to piss me off when in reality I had a pretty good life. Being a paranoid nut with the only girl who loved me. Accusing her of cheating being so insecure. I cheated on her a few times and admitted all of them. There was this video, she wanted too see it and me like a moron who wasn't thinking showed it to her... Maybe I deseve this fate for doing that to her.. when I did truly love her. Reminds me of the tale of narcissus..

    I had peeling lips from Vitamin A treat a skin condition, and like an idiot last fall I took an aromtise inhibitor letrozole which made my peeling lips come back. I wanted to loose water weight, and I kept taking it now sure what I was thinking. So I go on vacation this guy makes a comment to me and this girl wants me to dance I'm not feeling well about the comment, and I had to be up early for a trip. So I walk away So I got really stressed out before going to sleep trippin for 2 hours thinking paranoid thoughts I had quit maranuana and dexedrin before leaving. Well the next morning I wake up and below my lower lip is burning and the lower lip is red/ swollen. I was real paranoid for the rest of the vacation.

    So I get back to my hometown feeling horrible skin wise, I get antibiotics and use an antifungal cream and the immunosuppresant cream I had been using for months. the paranoid feelings carried over as well. So thursday june 12th I feel half normal that day my parents had left for london. I work out eat relax a bit, not much paranoia and my skin didn't bug me really.

    a friend brings a girl over we have a few drinks I feel my skin very slightly irritated after a couple drinks (alcohol dialtes blood vessels bad news). So we go to the club I get totally wasted off 25 cent drafts we meet this other girl there, shes all nice to me etc then when shes drunk she was like that was the guy who tried to rape my friend lol. Which was not true at all I was aggresive but I didnt try to penatrate or anything and she was into me as well naked grinding etc. I'm sensitive to begin not to mention all the other stuff so I leave I end up crashing my car totally wasted.

    I was talking all this mumbo jumo in the emercency I called my dad with my phonecall in london when they released me my wallet or phone was not there so I was upset. I then left the bulding and walked in the path of a security car in the parking lot and they took me down and locked me up in a room. I was like just end it now etc..

    in the EMS lockup there were Blinds that didn't close I was hungover lacking sleep etc.. I couldnt rest on that hard but and kept worrying in there big time stress to say the least. They said I would be out at noon a lady came in a told her all about my failures in life my past vacation and the paranoia etc.. MY lower lip was so gross looking from all the alcohol and truama etc. The skin around my mouth was not Irritated burning, painful, tingling at this point.

    Well now they put me into the main ward. I wasnt able to take my medication and I stopped my immunosuppresant drug which I had been on for months.. Well within 1 day or 2 in the hospital around my mouth started burning pretty severely. I was extremely stressed being in there worrying all the time lacking proper sleep. I worried about how my x GF was in there after me making that video. I was anxious in there and paranoid as well.. I was only in there for 5 days but it was really bad, it was extremely cold in there air blowing out of the vents light shining in my room getting 5-6 hours sleep if that. THe air quality was horrible I couldn't breath and around my nose was extremely irritated, I kept blowing my nose.

    Well what do you know I have something called sjogern's syndrome where the immune system attacks the salivary glands and the moisuture producing glands as well. It is triggered by stress, hormone inblanaces, viral infections etc. My mom also mentioned that before my aunt was diagnosed with MS she got put in the physch ward,because the shock to the immune system can make you act nutty. I probably had sjogerns before but it just progressed with all my stress ETC stopping my immunosuprresant cream which shocked my body and made it attack itself..

    So now my lips and the skin around my mouth produce no moisuture it'sextremely irritated 24/7 which preoccupys all of my thoughts. I can't bear to watch TV without worrying about my physical irritation in the back of my head... I see no hope for the future I'm just totally miserable. I drive my parents crazy, I feel like I'm traped in this body of misery. I had oppurtunity to get better by not taking that medicine, by not going to mexico, by not stressing myself out with my worrys, being too sensitive, Going out drinking when I Should have recovered, Leaving drunk and upset and crashing. not calling my brother for a ride home, walking in the path of that car, telling that lady about my pathedic life and my horrible thoughts. Having sex with a few girls that could have gaven me a virus which exaserbated my condition.

    Basically I just worry all the time and I don't get any enjoyment from life, I cna't even relax and play a video game, workout, eat properly, I'm just fighting every day which seems like it goes by forever. I'm extremely fatigued yet I have a hard time sleeping. I've lost muscle and gained fat, I was supposedly BDD before and now I can't help but focus on my redish skin that doesn't produce moisture..

    My family and this phycoitic phycratrist think I just need medication but that's not it at all, I've been off marijuana for almost 3 months and dexedrin as well so it's all long gone out my system it has nothing to do with the way I feel. The same lady who said dexedrin wouldn't make your skin feel better because it contricsts blood vessels, well when you have dermatitis around ur mouth because ur skin produces no moisutre constricting them will help actually. SPicy foods, alcohol etc dialate them.


    The thing is I want to have my old life and be alive, but I can't imagine any resembelance of happiness with the way things have progressed. Literally I feel like I'm in a tragedy, with only 1 thing missing..

    I OCD about how I could have fixed my life and stress out bigtime due to me feeling irritated all the time. Compulse about how I could possible fix myself when I had no idea what was wrong with me.

    I also had sex with this one girl after getting released and I may have gotten a virus, my tests will soon show that, although herpes cant be tested for. I feel pain on the right near my liver.

    To be honest I'm afraid of death but I don't want this life it's pointless. My life was pointless before but even then I was relatively happy, Smoking pot, working out, eating, watchign TV, taking dexedrin before I worked out(not abuse).

    I Shouldn't have tried to make myself a better person by quiting the drugs, especially when going on vacation. I was just asking for trouble. I had anxiety before but now it's increased 10x I feel anxious in my own skin without any one around, I'm so irritated. and 100x when I leave the house. I could have not gotten locked up in the ward, I was only frusterated at the time and I was thinking about sucide but not actually considering it that point IE a plan in place. I could not not walked in the path the car, but now I really have 0 hope. even though the guy was barely going 10-15mph if that

    What did I do that was so bad to deserve this.... I don't even know I last another couple days, weeks, or let alone another month or two. I need to get my virus tests to make sure I didn't get HIV as well, which would be horrible since the only way to treat SJS is with coritcosteroids, immunosuppresant drugs etc..

    I probably sound like a hypocondriac but truth be told I feel horrible all day long, maybe it's malaise froma virus I don't know .. my immune system attacking itself doesn't help.

    I'm driving my parents nuts, frusterating them, etc, I just .. Even then they don't have to deal with being in my body..

    I told myself that in 2 months if things didn't get better I would end it all it's been 1 month and to be honest they haven't gotten better, worse in many ways actually. I'm just a burden to those around me as well, only my family and my friend would miss me maybe this nice girl I've been chatting with on MSN as well who I've never met.

    I'm just stressing myself even more worrying but I can't help the way my skin, lips, mouth feels.. I can't bear to feel anymore pain yet I don't want to hurt my family. I've only been a disappointment so far in my life maybe thats why I deserve this fate. Maybe hurting my X GF

    It reminds me of stranger then fiction you may contract a disease on vacation and die a long painful death, or you could die heroicly..

    I can't bear this miserable existence with 0 enjoyment I can't enjoy a massage or a conversation since my mind is always focusing on the irritation and what I could have done to fix it or how I could fix myself. Maybe I deserve this fate for being such a selfish person being a taker most of my life and not giving much in return....
    I know this thread is extremely long thanks for taking the time to read if it you can, any reply is appreciated..
     
  2. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    We all wish we could've done something to fix the choices we made, yet no one really has a time machine to make it possible. :dry: But what's done in the past is done. That's why we learn from the past and use it to our advantage for the future.

    If you're turning 23, that is still at a young age where you can still make a difference in your life, and change into a better person. Don't fear fate and what could happen in the future. If you do nothing about it, fate will do whatever it wants in your life. and with what I've seen, it's more for the bad.

    Man, I'm really sorry for all that you've been through. I hope all goes well for you. :hug:
     
  3. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I seem to have to learn everything the hard way. The problem is in life with some things you only get one chance. You only get 1 body, other things in life you get many chances.

    I've had other physical problems lately trouble sleeping yet always being tired headaches muscle joint aches, dry cough, pain near my liver, malaise, suspicious red bumps..

    I want to be proud when I go not ashamed, the one thing that made me sorta proud was what I'd accomplished working out even then that's extremely feable compared to what most people my age have done. I've lost that as well.

    Thanks I really hope and pray things do get better(sooner rather then later) I'm already hopeless and I don't know how strong I can be. I couldn't have imagined things getting this bad.

    Take care everyone stay strong
     
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear all that's happened to you. It certainly sounds very distressing.
    But sometimes we have to weather the storm before the calm. Just wait around and seee, good things will follow i am sure.
    :hug:
    Take care.
    pm me if you needa talk
     
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry you've been through so much, it sounds so stressful. All the physical health problems you're experiencing might be caused by mental health problems and vice versa. I hope you can get treated successfully for your skin condition which is obviously making you very upset.
    You definitely do not deserve to feel the way you do though, everyone makes mistakes, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Everyone reacts differently to things in their life, some people find it harder to deal with emotions and problems. Just try and forgive yourself and make your life better, thats all you can do now. The past is the past after all.
    You're still really young so there's lots of scope to change your life, just look to the future and keep fighting.
    Hope things get better x
     
  6. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    Then continue to be proud with working out without any worries of what others think of you. Comparison only results in more negative feelings. I'm doing cross country and I can't run as fast as the other popular runners. It takes me well over 40 minutes for a 5k run while they can do it within 20 minutes. I'm definitely not a super runner, but I'm glad I can finish a 5k without giving up. :smile:
     
  7. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Part of it is nerve damage actually, no specfic diagnosies but I have visible damaged blood vessels around my mouth.I was experiencing burning and tingling below my lower lip. After getting a dental anesthetic I have pain on my left side. that is similar to that of my lower lip but more severe. I can only sleep 2-3 hours without waking up. only if I'm totally exausted can I go back to sleep for another 2 or so hours.

    Since getting the dental work close to 2 1/2 weeks ago I haven't been able to work out and I've gone into a extreme suicidal depression. Which can be related to nerve ending damage, pain, muscle and joint weakness.

    I'm due for some virus tests this week lets hope I don't have anything on top of this. Sjogren's is thought to be brough on by a viral or bacterial infection.

    Now I'm stressing myself out bigtime about not canceling my dental apointment I should have known it was nerve damage. I thought it was a dental allergy so I kept the apointment and tried to explain I wanted my old filling out. He mentioned the swollen salivary gland and said it might just be hitting a nerve..

    The story of my life tryin g to fix a problem that doesn't exist and creating a new one, I forget the word. I was irritated before but not nearly to this extent. Before I could lie down and almost feel normal watching a show on TV..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2008
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