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I'm about done..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, May 11, 2010.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have been fighting it for years with three attempts..I know how to end it quick..I am just fed up living like this..I have been isolating for twenty one years.. It has finally caught up with me.. Nothing I do anymore distracts the SI..I only have two friends outside of the forum..They live thousands of miles away..I have no one here that I am close too..I live with my sister andHere lately she has been getting on my badside.. I tired of her petty bullshit..I'm not close to my family.. I have two legal things hanging in the closet ready to jump out at any time..I just can't go on much longer like this..The only regret I have is what it will do to my grandaughter..The rest of the family will get over it.. They ignore me as it is..I'll go to a motel and do it because my sister told me I better not do it in her house.. Real caring huh??Well I am serious this time and see no future in it..Therapy isn't even helping.. This isn't a cry for help, I just needed to get it off my chest..
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi Joseph...actually I thought we were kind of close! Can you please respond to my pm...let's talk!
  3. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you feel this way stranger. I just wanted to say that I'm a newbie here and have gained so much strength by so many of your posts. I can really relate to your situation, my history is similar to yours except that I live alone.

    I hope you get the situation with your sister sorted out, and that you feel better real soon, take care, shaz
  4. kdslaz

    kdslaz Member

    hmmm... i can certainly relate to some of what you've said... there have been times, many times i've considered... wanted to do it... what has stopped me a couple times is i pawned my gun, but mostly it's this voice in my head from my mother constantly telling me throughout my life things will get better. i, of course always found that difficult to believe & yes even asked her how she knows :) somewhere i realized she doesn't, it's just a good thing to believe.
    now i take it one day at a time & just try not to focus on all the depressing things.... i hope you don't go to that motel room... maybe watch some old sitcoms & forget... surround yourself with happy?
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I've emailed you Joseph. Please talk to me I'll be around all night. If you don't want to talk to me then please talk to someone else...Shades or T, she's at work right now but she has her mail open.

    I know I live thousands of miles away but I'll always be there for you.

    Love you loads :hug: xx
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just letting you know I'm here, and I care. :hug:
  7. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Joseph, is there any way you can phone Gina? xx
  8. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I'm having to log off now. I will talk to you tomorrow after I finish work.

    Please be safe & keep reaching out.

    Speak soon, Love you loads xx
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey Joseph...I hope you are ok.....I too like your posts on here and would miss you....don't go....
    I can hear you're pain ...
    the fact that you dont want to hurt your grandaughter is a good reason to hold on..
    she would be devastated and the thought of suicide being a way out will be planted in her head forever....
    there are five suicides I know of in my family...
    my grandfather, his son, 2 of his grandchildren and one great grandchild..
    I hope you can get some more help from your Gp, therapist, whoever it takes to help you overcome these feelings....
    please stay and talk to us...we care...:hug:
  11. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi joseph.....

    thanks for emailing me today.

    i know the enormous stress you've been under lately.
    you did the right thing by reaching out. even though it was just to get it off your chest, deep down, there is something in you that wants to break away from the pull of the impulse.......

    i came here, devastated, and you are one of the reasons i am still here, AND, in a happy place. you helped me stay for the right reasons; when i could find no other reasons you reminded me of my daughters. i could never hurt them that way.
    just like you can't hurt your granddaughter like that.
    to her, you are a hero, someone who is always there, loves her, she counts on you. especially because her life is so unsettled at the moment, you are a rock that is steady for her.

    when i came here you told me you had big shoulders and i could lean on you.
    and i did, and you helped me through. now i am here for you, you need to lean on me, and on C., and on Shades, we are all far away, (but i am only hundreds i think not thousands, speaking of miles, i am ''warning you'' i can be there in 2 or 3 hours and at some point i WILL be there, don't forget it)

    just the love of friends, is enough reason to gut through it. somehow we ended up on planet earth and then on this forum and we became friends in real life and distance is nothing. it doesn't matter when there is love. you are a blessing in my life - and you are a blessing to other people too. your posts help MANY people stay strong.
    lean on us now joseph, until you get stronger.
    love you
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I hear what you all are saying.. I just can't see away to keep moving forward.. I love my grandaughter but I feel she will be better off with me not around.. Her crazy grandpa.. What do I have to offer her.. I'm a looser..I have failed at everything and now The last remaining strendth I have isn't enough..I chose this life because I was sick of people lyeing to me, cheating on me, or just flat out making fun of me..The gentle giant that everyone takes advantage of..I can't even feel love right now.. My dog is my faithfull companion and I haven't done anything with him the last couple of weeks..
    Death has been knocking at my door for along time.. It's time to answer the door..I have to wait until the 3rd because I get paid then.. That way I can get a motel room.. It's going to be bloody and I don't want to mess up my sisters house..When I told her I am still having suicidal thoughts.. The only thing she said was not to do it in her house.. I don't think my family beleives I will go thru with it.. They don't know about my other three attempts..One attempt at drowning myself, and two OD's... I know none of those are going to work so I have a better plan where I will bleed out in a few minutes..I'll be around until the 3rd..
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey Joseph please get some more help before you do this....see a doctor, call crisis or go to a hospital
    I know you are feeling bad but with help you may be able to overcome those thoughts of suicide....
    I was just talking to my grandaughter ( shes 11) on facebook and she broke down at school today cos shes missing her uncle (he took his life) it has affected her badly..
    imagine your grandaughter will feel much worse if you go....
    why do you think you are a loser?..do you want to talk about it more?
    we're here to listen and try to help...
    be gentle with yourself..
    take care...
  14. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    We only get "now" with this Joseph, its a short limit already that we get and make an imprint on to this world.

    I know you have a gentle soul and people like us get cut by jagged and hard people but we are so badly needed in this world and I know you know that deep inside.

    there is still some stuff to do, believe me, there is a lot of people counting on you even if they dont know it yet. Not everything is plastered on the outside some are hidden and ripples on the waves we make while alive in silence.

    I really hope you understand what I am saying because you matter much more then you will ever know, especially you Joseph, you helpĀ“t me more then once to come around and I see you. You are one of the best persons I know and I trust and like you Joseph. Some things are hidden from us you know that.
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Joseph, it's not time to answer the door. Not when there are still people here fighting for you. I know it has been such a long battle for you, I really do & maybe I'm being selfish by wanting you to stay but I know that things can improve for you.

    Have you considered what I said in my email last night? I know you are so reluctant to go to the hospital but there are other options that will keep you safe.

    One of my biggest regrets is not pushing you to meet up last year when I was in Florida. I really wanted to, but neither of us were doing great at that time & I didn't want to force the issue.

    I'm not planning to visit Florida this year but I am definitely planning to visit in 2011 & I really want you to still be around so we can finally meet.

    Be safe Joseph.

    Speak soon xx
  16. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey joseph,

    just home from work, first thing i did was come here to check on you.

    i emailed you all day from work, i am sure you're quite sick of me by now . . :unsure:

    C and CinZamurai are both right . . .are you soaking it in? it's not just empty words. we are all people who care about you.

    we have one shot here, this is our life, the only one we know for sure, (no one knows what happens next, but my guess is it's nothing, and forever, and boring. ) i DO know i can smell strong coffee in the morning and feel the heat when i soak in a hot bubble bath after a long run, and the beauty of my daughter's hair in the sun knocks me out everytime. . . . those things and many others are reasons enough to be here.
    YOU are a reason i stayed.
    our letters back and forth may be nothing to most people.....maybe nothing to you. but to me, it has always been a highlight of my day and i have grown very close to you.

    as C said, i'ts not time to answer the door. it's time to tell death to leave, go away.

    we have to choose to stay because it's the right thing to do.

    people need you, they depend on you. none of us who love you want you to be in pain BUT death is not the end of pain. pain is a feeling.
    you don't get relief from pain with death! we have talked about this on forum before. it's a somewhat simple yet complex thought......
    death is the end of all things
    so you will NEVER get that relief from pain, with death.

    with death you get zero, zilch. nada.

    with life, you get pain, but , you can also get love, and beauty, and wonder. you are much loved.
    i'm sorry your sister was so crappy to you, that was a terrible thing to say, about not doing it in her home. bloody awful thing to say.
    but, what you said joseph? probably scared her so badly, she lashed out at you w/the worst thing she could think of.

    sorry this is so long.
    i meant what i said in the email today. i'm not letting you do this because it is not the right thing for you to do. you deserve better than this. you are my best friend and i'm not letting you go down. you deserve a chance at life and at better days and when we are alive there is ALWAYS hope.

    ...find the one small spot that is deep in there, that part of you that loves me, that loves C, because we know you do. . . . you take that part and hold on to it. that is the part that is still talking/writing to us because it is the part that wants to stay and it will prevail. i am holding on to that part of you and i won't let go and if you haven't noticed, i am as stubborn as hell.

    i am with C, i think it's a good idea to consider going to the hospital.
    i am very happy to call and make arrangements in advance so you don't have to talk to anyone,
    i am even willing to contact Gina (if you'll give me her number in email) and have her meet you and ride with you there or meet you at the hospital. so that you'll feel more comfortable.

    think about this. . . . think about everything i just said, think about everything all these people here who care about you, said.
    our life here is short and for most of us insignificant to the world but in our own small circles, each of us is a miracle, to the other.
    love you joseph
  17. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Joseph I am soooo sorry I haven't been around much lately....... I'm really sorry bro!! Please reconsider, please! T alerted me to this thread and I am sooo glad she did. If nothing else helps I can send you my phone number thru facebook and we can talk for as long as you like, whenever you like.
    I am here for you 24/7 just like you have been there for me and EVERYBODY else here. It's time everyone repaid the debt, me included. Joseph, I couldn't lose you, ever! Please stay around, please hang on, PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!
    I love you Joseph, you are my bro for heavens sake, how could I not? You are one of the nicest people I have ever met....... my whole life! I wish I lived nearer to you and then you could live with us and, believe me, we would look after you and make you smile =)
    Please, please, don't do this hun, we all love you............... I LOVE YOU!! :hug: :arms:

    Lea :hug:
  18. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend


    look at what lea just wrote.

    yet another person who you helped w/your strength, your love, and your words of hope at just the right moment.

    proof positive, that you are needed on this planet.

    you helped lea hold on when times were so dark for her, now she has a beautiful grandson, and she could have missed this beauty and love in her life, had it not been for your support.

    thanks lea, thanks for writing the truth. MANY of us owe joseph a great deal. . . .
    we are all standing here, ready to repay. we're not letting go.
    we love you xx
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing Joseph? :hug: :arms:
  20. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey IV.. I'm being sent love from everyone even people I haven't heard from in a long time..It's hard for me to stick to my guns with all the well wishing I am receiving..I still have my dtae set.. All this pain can be over in a matter of minutes..I feel guilty now..
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