Sometimes when memories of abuse, beatings, rape, sadistic perversions hit - I have to wall it away - It didn't happen - It wasn't me
But it did and that is something I can't accept, but must
It happened to the 3 year old, the 6 year old, the 10 year old... almost every night
The troubled 16 year old looking for love, the 18 year old partying in the wrong places
Only to marry an abusive and controlling monster...
To push it away means I go thru life numb - like a robot - not feeling - not living - only reliving flashbacks and nightmares
To accept it means I was treated like so much garbage and lived a life of being horribly used - I want to give up
Why couldn't I have had the courage to reach out or someone to care years ago?
I'm caught and want to SCREAM, but don't
And then I want to cry - but can't
I don't even know how to be angry without spacing out completely
Then the hopelessness of life sets in and I can't deal with it
So now I am screaming anonymously in print for what good it does...
But it did and that is something I can't accept, but must
It happened to the 3 year old, the 6 year old, the 10 year old... almost every night
The troubled 16 year old looking for love, the 18 year old partying in the wrong places
Only to marry an abusive and controlling monster...
To push it away means I go thru life numb - like a robot - not feeling - not living - only reliving flashbacks and nightmares
To accept it means I was treated like so much garbage and lived a life of being horribly used - I want to give up
Why couldn't I have had the courage to reach out or someone to care years ago?
I'm caught and want to SCREAM, but don't
And then I want to cry - but can't
I don't even know how to be angry without spacing out completely
Then the hopelessness of life sets in and I can't deal with it
So now I am screaming anonymously in print for what good it does...