I'm about to EXPLODE

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TBear, Jan 1, 2009.

  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Sometimes when memories of abuse, beatings, rape, sadistic perversions hit - I have to wall it away - It didn't happen - It wasn't me

    But it did and that is something I can't accept, but must

    It happened to the 3 year old, the 6 year old, the 10 year old... almost every night

    The troubled 16 year old looking for love, the 18 year old partying in the wrong places

    Only to marry an abusive and controlling monster...

    To push it away means I go thru life numb - like a robot - not feeling - not living - only reliving flashbacks and nightmares

    To accept it means I was treated like so much garbage and lived a life of being horribly used - I want to give up

    Why couldn't I have had the courage to reach out or someone to care years ago?

    I'm caught and want to SCREAM, but don't

    And then I want to cry - but can't

    I don't even know how to be angry without spacing out completely

    Then the hopelessness of life sets in and I can't deal with it

    So now I am screaming anonymously in print for what good it does...
  2. Folken

    Folken Member

    It does a lot of good.
    At least it has for me.
    Sometimes all those emotions become too much for us to bear on our own and we need to let them out,
    to voice them, even anonymously,
    because we'll go crazy if we don't.

    Please don't be hard on yourself for not being able to reach out earlier in life.
    It took me more years than I remember to talk to anyone about the abuse I suffered. And the more you suffer the harder it is to reach out. But you're reaching out now, and you've found a place with people who do care.

    That's what's important.
    We can't change the past, but we can use the present to try to heal from it, and make the future better.
    Just don't give up on yourself.

    All of us who were abused know it takes a lot of time to remember that we do deserve better, and being able to talk about it here is a good step in the right direction.

  3. Adhara

    Adhara Member

    Don't give up! Anything you want to tell, we'll be here! Try to make your life better, that's NOT your fault!
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank You :hug:

    It does help.
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    tbear :cuddle2:
    i am so sorry for everything, you have been a sorce of comfort for me with you anon screaming in print.
    if i could stop anyone going through this i would. and you would be one of the first i would save
    i kow this is just my screaming in print and it nearly holds no value
    but all your replies to my post have helped, some only a little, some alot.
    but they have raised my spirits whne i needed them to raise. thank you
    i'm here if you need a friend :hug:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Tbear,

    welcome to sf :)

    None of this was your fault. You are strong, stronger than the people who did this to you. They are to blame. Please seek professional help for this hun,you really need to. Flashbacks can be fought and be a thing of the past. It's hard, but can be done. We are here for you, keep fighting :hug:
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Keep writing things out. When they get out in the open they become a little easier to talk about even if it is hard to accept.. I am the same way about my issues. It took me a long time to admit that, yes it did happen to me. It takes time and a lot of hard work to get through, but we will do what we can to help. :hug:
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I'm amazed - it really does help to vent...Thank you for all the kind words.


    Yes, I finally found a Therapist about two years ago with brains and a heart...
    Alot of what I have to say about child abuse, rape, controlling behavior, etc.. I've learned with his help. It has been a long hard task - and I'm obviously not through.... We're sorting thru abuse that started at about age three, with many cases of revictimization including being drugged and gang raped....then on to an abusive husband...He is gone and I'm alone.

    It does help to have a clear unbiased point of view. I can't tell anyone I work with - I am the one who has it "all together" :wink:

    My kids can't know - I've always, thank G-d, been able to protect them- they only know that sometimes mom is upset, and it is hard being without a Dad for them, (it would've been harder with him) but I make sure they know it isn't their fault...

    I try to keep their needs at the top of my list, and it helps me focus on the future not just working through the results of the past....:unsure:

    Parents are people too :biggrin:

    I guess no one is ever too young or old to learn and help... or be alone and suffering...It helps to see that others have the same feelings and I'm not the only one who feels like I've been damaged - but the damage is only to the surface - it can't touch the inner person that you are, as hard as that is to accept...

    Wordy as usual...Thanks Bunches!!!!