I'm about to lose everything.

[13acresofhell]

I had posted here over a year ago, and now I feel that I’m once again on the road to suicide. Back then I was going through some very bad times after being the victim of a violent robbery and rape by several men. I couldn’t return to work; in fact I was sure that I’d never work again. I did though, somehow I managed to survive and I started to put my life back together. Thanks in part to the kind words of the SF members.

Unfortunately I’ve since lost my job. Due to reduced funding and other financial problems, the company I worked for wasn’t receiving new contracts and they pretty much had to lay everyone off. This alone isn’t the problem though. I do a very specific type of work that requires various licenses and certificates. I need to work a certain amount of time in order to maintain them, but because of all the time I took off because of what happened and then losing my job, it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to renew them. Basically, my career is over, and it’s a shame because I’m damn good at what I do. It’s complicated, but reacquiring my certification is impossible after it expires.

It’s not easy for me to just find another job. As I said, all of my training is in a small and specific field. My skills aren’t transferable to any other type of work, not that I could find a job now anyway.

It won’t be long before I can’t pay the bills and I loose everything. It’s a terrible feeling, almost like drowning. I can’t experience anything except constant anxiety. I suppose that it’s possible to continue to live in some capacity after this, but I’m just tired. I can’t take it any more. I mean, everything that has happened to me combined is too much to bear. So, I’ve started to plan my own death again. I’m not at the crisis stage yet, but that won’t be long off. I’ve resumed self destructive habits like drinking heavily and suicide now occupies my thoughts on a daily basis.

I apologize for the length of this, but if you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading.

 

[soliloquise]

I had posted here over a year ago, and now I feel that I’m once again on the road to suicide. Back then I was going through some very bad times after being the victim of a violent robbery and rape by several men. I couldn’t return to work; in fact I was sure that I’d never work again. I did though, somehow I managed to survive and I started to put my life back together. Thanks in part to the kind words of the SF members.

Unfortunately I’ve since lost my job. Due to reduced funding and other financial problems, the company I worked for wasn’t receiving new contracts and they pretty much had to lay everyone off. This alone isn’t the problem though. I do a very specific type of work that requires various licenses and certificates. I need to work a certain amount of time in order to maintain them, but because of all the time I took off because of what happened and then losing my job, it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to renew them. Basically, my career is over, and it’s a shame because I’m damn good at what I do. It’s complicated, but reacquiring my certification is impossible after it expires.

It’s not easy for me to just find another job. As I said, all of my training is in a small and specific field. My skills aren’t transferable to any other type of work, not that I could find a job now anyway.

It won’t be long before I can’t pay the bills and I loose everything. It’s a terrible feeling, almost like drowning. I can’t experience anything except constant anxiety. I suppose that it’s possible to continue to live in some capacity after this, but I’m just tired. I can’t take it any more. I mean, everything that has happened to me combined is too much to bear. So, I’ve started to plan my own death again. I’m not at the crisis stage yet, but that won’t be long off. I’ve resumed self destructive habits like drinking heavily and suicide now occupies my thoughts on a daily basis.

I apologize for the length of this, but if you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading.

wow i am sorry there are a few people on here in a similar position if you have a read....
i think a lot of people are struggling one way or another...
try to get support to help you, to prop you up.. either here or with a therapist etc. are you in the UK? if so i maybe could help you more?

 

[porcelain child]

I am so sorry about what you have been through that sounds really hard for you..

Have you got any financial support like if your in the UK from the government?

Have you got any family around that can help you?

If you feel like you want to do something... please get some help, we don't want you to die...

Claire...

 

[Mandy1]

hi sorry to here your struggling,maybe getting some financial advice could help,also do you see a doctor about your depression,please keep talking here it can help.Take care.

 

[mdmefontaine]

hi hun . . . . glad you are reaching out. i am sorry for your financial setback. you must also be struggling with the rape/robbery . . . how horrible.

it may seem very hopeless now - but you must be extremely accomplished and intelligent (well, that part is obvious because your post is so articulate) so i have faith that you can find something else . . . however, that is easy to say, right? but difficult to do - and when you are depressed, it is often hard to function minimally :sad:

we are here to help you along the way - we can stay here together - it is a supportive and caring place - hold on. there are options for you - don't give up. i care what happens to you. :hug:

 

[silent_enigma]

Before you're too far gone try to look into help from state/county agencies (assuming you're in the US) for people who have lost their jobs.

 

[13acresofhell]

Thanks for your support. Yes, I'm sure that here in the US there is some sort of financial help I could get, but honestly, I just don't feel like even trying anymore. It's not just the loss of my job, but that's definitely part of it. I've just had it with everything that's happened. I don't want to play any more. This may sound silly, and it probably is, but that doesn't change how I feel.

I've given suicide it a lot of thought. It's what I think about most of the time actually. With proper planning, I think I should be able to minimize the expense and grief that my death would cause.

 

[Jooper62]

I am going threw the same thing you are. Please seek a councelor. Thats what i needed to do.. I know how hard this is for you.. Please don't give up. I know how you feel... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASE:smile:

Please stop drinking also thats what i turned to and believe me it makes things much worse!!!!
My thoughts are with you

 

[Electric blue]

I don't know if this will help, but let me tell you a story about my father.

My father is a great man. He was a dedicated breadwinner and a loving father. He had a 20 year career, a wife who loved him and three kids. Everything was great until one day he found he couldn't control his left arm. He went to the doctor and after weeks of painful and humiliating tests they told him that years of repetitive motion at work had crippled part of his spine. He would never be able to use his left arm or right leg fully again. At the same time the court system he worked for replaced his entire job with machines and fired him and all his co-workers illegally. They tried to sue, but you can't win against the court system. In the space of a few months he lost his job, his pension, his benefits and his 401k. On top of that he is now essentially a cripple and experiences constant pain from his damaged limbs.

All of this came during a time when myself and my two siblings were in college at the same time. Bills mounted quickly and his whole life fell apart. He basically came apart at the seams. It was horrible to watch, and we were all terrified that he'd commit suicide.

But he didn't. And as impossible as it seemed at the time, things quickly got better. One of the lawsuits came to a settlement, and now he has enough money to safely retire early. He's learning to live with the physical pain and disability, and is beginning to realize for the first time that he's a brilliant writer and artist. Out of the smoking wreckage of his former life a single beautiful shoot began to flower into a whole new beginning. Almost nothing remains of the things that were so important before. His career, his health, all the things that seemed critically important are gone. But he has a new life now, and he's finding that he's happy in it even without those things.

Maybe the same can be true of you. I can't imagine how bad things must look right now. But I can tell you that there is a life after loss. After the smoke clears you may be surprised at which things were truly important to you, and which things will really make you happy.