And i don't know how to stop myself. I've become a better person this last year, I finally told the truth after lying for years, to myself and others. I stopped smoking. I started seeing a psychiatrist. I started running. I got engaged to a beautiful man, who helped me become a better person. Ive been clean for a year. I've improved. Still I feel like giving up all the time. And today, he left me. The last person who cares and tries for me. I am alone and like he said: I deserve it. I've tried thinking of all these things that I do better, I try telling myself he was an asshole, but it's not working. I'm afraid I'll ruin everything I've built up. I just wanna get drunk, get high and do something stupid. Like hurt myself or worse. I can get hospitalized, but I'm scared. It didn't help last time, it only made it worse. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have no one. I.. I'm scared.