I'm about to throw up

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 24, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I hate triggers. I hate them so, so much.

    I was having a seemingly okay day... tired and a bit sick... but so what... and now I feel so sick and upset. The 'Butterfly Hug' thing my therapist told me to do in case of me feeling this way helped for a second...

    I went to take a shower, I thought it would be a nice thing to do for myself. But I encountered a trigger...

    I got a bit of the shampoo in my mouth and I panicked. I became the little child I was when mummy would do that to me as punishment... I almost forgot about that.

    Why the hell would you do that to a child? What if I swallowed it? Wasn't lathering my tongue with mustard and holding me so I couldn't run to get water bad enough? Wasn't the icy cold showers she threw me in bad enough? Locking me in my little room or the cuppboard?

    No... of course not.

    I have so many triggers already... for obvious reasons I can't eat mustard. Last time I got a sandwich with mustard in it I actually threw up. If people shout I panic and get wet eyes... if people even touch me by accident on a bad day I want to run for my life
    I have such a long list already... and I wonder what I even can do... between my mother's abuse and the sexual abuse and rape I also went through...

    My boyfriend wanted me to tell him what things trigger me... I wondered if I should write him a list, but the truth is, on a bad day that list will be so long he will be afraid to even look at me for fear of hurting my feelings.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hey hun, I am so sorry you are feeling triggered today *big hugs*. You should be honest with your boyfriend about your triggers. Even if you feel it is a long list, I am sure he will be supportive and try to help you, because he cares deeply about you and just wants you to be safe and happy. I hope you feel better soon :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi sweetie, I am so sorry I only saw this thread now. And of course I am so sorry you are going through this. What your mom did was completely out of line and unacceptable. You have a right to feel angry over this, I am glad you are at least able to talk things through about it here. I can't believe any mum would act in that matter. It's disgusting. I hope you're okay today pet and if not I'm here for you ((hugs))
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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