I hate triggers. I hate them so, so much. I was having a seemingly okay day... tired and a bit sick... but so what... and now I feel so sick and upset. The 'Butterfly Hug' thing my therapist told me to do in case of me feeling this way helped for a second... I went to take a shower, I thought it would be a nice thing to do for myself. But I encountered a trigger... I got a bit of the shampoo in my mouth and I panicked. I became the little child I was when mummy would do that to me as punishment... I almost forgot about that. Why the hell would you do that to a child? What if I swallowed it? Wasn't lathering my tongue with mustard and holding me so I couldn't run to get water bad enough? Wasn't the icy cold showers she threw me in bad enough? Locking me in my little room or the cuppboard? No... of course not. I have so many triggers already... for obvious reasons I can't eat mustard. Last time I got a sandwich with mustard in it I actually threw up. If people shout I panic and get wet eyes... if people even touch me by accident on a bad day I want to run for my life I have such a long list already... and I wonder what I even can do... between my mother's abuse and the sexual abuse and rape I also went through... My boyfriend wanted me to tell him what things trigger me... I wondered if I should write him a list, but the truth is, on a bad day that list will be so long he will be afraid to even look at me for fear of hurting my feelings.