I'm addicted to a Benzodiazepine

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Sailor_Saturn, Jun 5, 2011.

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  1. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I have a severe addiction to a Benzodiazepine. This is one I usually just use for things like medical procedures since I am terrified of medical tests yet when I had the MRI on Friday I found that because I had been using the benzodiazepine so often that it didn't work for me at all. I have now decided that I am going to try to quit using the benzodiazepine, the last time I had quit using the benzodiazepine was in October 2010, and during that month if I never used the benzodiazepine at all that week I would reward myself at the end of the week by doing something like watching a movie. I had managed to overcome my addiction to the benzodiazepine in October, but in January 2011 I had started using the bezodiazepine again and continuously used it, I used it continuously because of all the stress I was facing. I have now decided that once again I am going to quit using the benzodiazepine, and since I got a bunch of movies that I bought over the last few months that I haven't watched yet, I will reward myself at the end of each week by watching one of those movies if I do not use the benzodiazepine.

    I have tried talking to a psychologist at the counselling center at the University that I am attending, and she was good but she quit in November of last year and was replaced by someone else, who actually didn't give a fuck about anything I told her, she was rude to me all the time and despite the complaints I put in, nothing was done. I am trying to find someone else to see since there are a few counsellors at the counselling center, but they are not taking on anyone new it seems since they have enough people as it is, and I am not going back to the woman who took over the lady I was originally seeing's job since she has proven to me that she doesn't care at all, I have told her that I suffer from stress and depression (which I'm not on anything for, I am thinking of going to my physician soon to see if I can get something for the depression at least since I have been depressed for many years and it seems that talking about it doesn't help, and no matter how hard I try to focus on the "happy" things the depression still manages to take over me, no matter what I do, I even had started cuting myself earlier this year and even showed the woman who took over the original psychologist's job but the new woman didn't even care about that, she had said some pretty nasty things to me which I can't repeat on here, and I did report them, but once again, nothing has been done about it).

    I know psychologists can't prescribe anything for stress or depression, which is why I am going to my physician, and I have tried going to the mental health hospital in my area but they discharged me within three hours even after I told them about the suicidal feelings I have and everything I just listed. It seems society doesn't care anymore, and if you do find anyone who does care, then you're lucky, since it seems to be pretty rare from my experiences.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2011
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I wrote a reply then lost it after hoovering my keyboard.

    Anyhow, these benzo's - they used to be called Valium back in the day so anyone older might see the addiction as a valid one.

    sure, you build up a tolerance to this drug - which will make it less effective. For you this is bad especially if you need it for genuine medical reasons as well as enjoying the high it brings.

    Still you are lucky in some ways as its a legal drug - made in hygienic conditions and containing exactly what it says on the tin - or the pill container, wrapper or whatnot.

    Best way to come off is reduce the dose gradually - you could go cold turkey straight away but you you need to be strong mentally and physically just to be safe.

    Telling a doctor might not be the best way to come off the drugs - they might get real snooty and stop the prescription - which makes coming off easy in one way - but I think its best to just come off these in your own time with your own 'game plan'.

    You done it once before - so you have it in you.

    Trouble with benzodiazepine is that it actually just masks the depression - it numbs you and does so in a way which is quite pleasant for many. But you want to move beyond depression - make a life for yourself which is only natural. Using benzodiazepine to combat plain depression does tend to get a percentage of those using to become addicted to the drug itself.

    Other anti depression meds do not get you high in any way shape or form. They take several weeks to kick in - although a few might be working within days. These drugs are more selective than benzos which just basically numb you up and make you feel no pain. The anti depressions in the form of SSRI's for example, act on stopping a certain chemical from being re-absorbed by the brain - which in turn can 'lift' the mood. Even a subtle shift in mood can work wonders.

    I'm sorry your experience with the psychiatrist never went well - I've always thought that people with qualifications are just people. We might not get on with them - which is why I went through half a dozen GPs before I found one who seems to actually care. Earning way over £100,000 per annum for a 5 day week, all on day shifts - they should all be hugging us as we walk through the door.

    Anyhow - your depression can be fought a lot better using one of the anti depression meds that don't get you high. You can (as far as I know) still get a prescription for the benzos also. Like I say, reducing the usage of them is your choice at least - better that than confessing to the doc who immediately stops the benzos plus adds some stern note to the files pretty much designating you as an addict.

    Of course, if your addiction got so bad you were stealing to fund the habit - that would be a sign you need help and would be better off admitting being addicted.

    Hope you get some joy on your next visit to the doctors, and remember, YOU choose what therapist or psychiatrist you want to help you. I'd actually record the encounter - to help me - but also a precaution in case the psychiatrist was practising on a fake degree or incompetent.

    No professional is going to be denying things in a hurry with me.

    Good luck and don't feel like nobody cares - it is just the media which makes us have this vision of society that downplays the kindness of strangers.

    Good luck and God Bless from England.
  3. Tom91

    Tom91 Member

    No, no, no. A benzo withdrawal can be fatal. Taper your dose gradually.
  4. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    I wish you all the luck in the world ! well done for wanting to quit but yes def dont go cold turkey !!! xxxxxxx
  5. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I withdrew from Lorazepam before and never had anything fatal; thing is I really don't use it to get high, I use it to help me sleep since stuff like Zopiclone makes me sick, and now I've been prescribed Valium since I have needlephobia and have to have a blood test done.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Agreed, this is VERY important. Going cold turkey can result in seizures or even death. Which benzodiazepine are you addicted to? I was addicted to xanax (alprazolam) which I finally got off by switching to valium then reducing the dosage gradually. Please seek your doctors help and advice on this. Good luck, I believe you can do it. :)
  7. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    It was Lorazepam. Funny thing is that's an anti-seizure medication that I felt helped me with my seizures (I'm epileptic) and my allergies (I always have a stuffy nose and no other allergy medication helped with that, not even those sprays, I found I had to re-spray every twenty minutes). I am now taking Lamotrigine for my seizures, and was prescribed Valium since I am severely needlephobic (I had to get a blood test today), since the Lorazepam no longer seems to work for me). I got the blood test done, though the valium hasn' really done much so far but I don't care. The fact that I got the blood test done (I had to get a blood test because of another medical problem I have, which is not due to addiction or anything) pleases me since I am severely needlephobic, even before I built up a tolerance to benzodiazepines I found that they didn't really help me with my phobia, since my needlephobia is very extreme. However, I have found a way to cope with the needlephobia, if I can get a male doctor to give me the needle I'm not as afraid, and that is due to something that happened in 2006. In 2006 I had to have a filling done, and since I am very afraid of needles my dentist referred me to this other dentist, who uses nitrous oxide. I was given the nitrous oxide and they put this heart rate monitor thing on me. During the filling, I hallucinated and seen the character Matt Medic from Rescue Heroes (here's the best image I cound get of the character, since this is the version I hallucinated of: http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=...1&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&biw=1341&bih=661 ). When I hallucinated and seen him, the dentist that was doing the filling said then that I was very relaxed, according to the heart rate monitor thing. The dentist didn't know about my hallucination, however, he had found another cavity (I had worn braces for three years and avoided sugar as much as possible but I found it very difficult to clean my teeth with the braces on, when they were taken off the dentist that referred me to this other dentist discovered one cavity), so I had to schedule another appointment with him two weeks later. For the two weeks before I went, I kept telling myself everyday that it was Matt Medic that was the one who was doing it. When I went to the dentist, he noticed when he put the nitrous oxide and heart rate monitor thing on that I was pretty relaxed right away. That was a sign that me telling myself that it was Matt Medic doing it worked as a way to help relax me. This only works for male doctors though, I tried it when a female nurse did a blood test once but it didn't work, I was still very afraid, despite the fact that I took a sedative before I went to have the blood test done (I never took a sedative for the fillings, I just had the nitrous oxide). Anyway, a few years later I had to go to the emergency room because I was having these severe abdominal pains that weren't going away. The doctors wanted to do a blood test, so I asked if they had any male nurses that could do it. They did. When the guy came, I had to tell him the story of why I asked, since it is kinda a strange request to request a specific gender to do a blood test or something like that. The guy that did it was amazed, he said that was the most unique reason and story he ever heard. Anyway, it turned out I had kidney stones that day. I try to get a male doctor to do any needle procedure I have to get done for this reason, since this helps me with my phobia.
  8. litehouse

    litehouse Member

    For one, I'm glad that you posted because this also happened with me. But I did wind up going inpatient for this addiction. Every time I tried to go off of the drug, my withdrawl symptoms were very intense, and so much so that the doctor in the hospital monitored my dose. I could not go off it all at once.

    I was going to just stay home and keep taking the pills, but I really can't go into the details of the withdrawls. Someone told me to get my *** to the hospital because of the withdrawls and their effects. Yes, I was told that it withdrawls could be dangerous as well.

  9. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    I'm addicted to lorazepam (Ativan) now. Not in a junkie kind of way, but physically dependent. 2-2.5 sometimes 3 mg a night, started around 1.5 or 2. The withdrawal is a bitch...most of it I don't really care about and can ignore it for a few days to drop my tolerance, but it actually impacts my breathing negatively which really fucks me over given my asthma problems. We had so much trouble getting an appointment with a shrink and I really didn't want to see one, so I just ordered it from Europe via a specialized (relatively unknown, all the sensationalized ones are scams) online pharmacy. It's the real deal and they're reputable....I did a lot of research with these people and I don't just dump anything in my body...but I don't know if the potency is up to strength with the pills here though it can't be far off. Benzodiazapine withdrawl generally does not cause seizures until you reach very high amounts (4 MG xanax plus iirc, or 8 mg ativan, equivalent for valium etc) but it could be much lower for someone with epilepsy.

    One thing I found that helps me is to very slowly space the doses out while slightly reducing the doses. I don't want to get off Ativan personally because it helps me (I have huge internal tension/anxiety), but I did notice that the same dose did less and less fairly quickly, so I had to drop my tolerance somewhat in order to retain the effects. One thing I'll also do is try to space it out so that my 'dose' timing is late enough that I can just go to sleep for 8 or 9 hours, then take it a few hours after I wake up. I do this a few times while spacing doses out and it does drop my tolerance. Getting completely off it will be a completely different story I think.

    The following won't help much with withdrawing or anything, but might help ease symptoms and help you relax a bit (it does for me): Sometimes I do nitrous (funny enough you explained getting it during an op)....in lower quantities it doesn't cause hallucinations (I have never even passed out) and doesn't have any adverse effects. Just don't start doing boxes of chargers a day or something, or you could go vitamin B-12 deficient. Also, when I do the 'skip dose until morning' crap I'll drink kava kava tea which helps me nod off for awhile. I use quite a lot of shredded root for it, not those little health store doses but enough that it feels like I'm sort of drunk (but different). By the way, how much valium are you on?
  10. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I am not addicted to it anymore, quitting like I said I would and following the procedure I had worked for me. Though now I'm fucking stressed since I'm being harassed by my ex-boyfriend, I'm going to my psychologist tomorrow plus getting a peace order against him. He's been harassing me since 2009 by posting really mean stuff online but because he didn't threaten me the cops won't do anything. Yesterday I found that he was once again doing things online at me, so I called the cops and asked about the peace order and they explained it to me and when I told them what was going on and how long it's been going on for they asked why I didn't get it earlier and I said that I was actually afraid to because he might try to charge me with something, because I used to edit some of the articles he edited on Wikipedia since we both liked some of the same TV shows and he complained about that claiming I was stalking him even though I always edited those articles before any of this crap happened, and I stopped editing those articles and would make a new account to get away from him, yet he would somehow find the username, he even found my most recent one and posted about it yesterday, and of course because he's friends with an administrator on there they take his side even though I am not posting anything to him or editing any of the articles he edits, I don't even look at the articles he edits for fuck sakes! Anyway, the police said what he has been doing is harassment, and I should definitley get a peace order. Sorry for venting, I am just frustrated since this asshole won't leave me alone. I'm going to have to see if I can get something prescribed so I can sleep, since this is making me unable to sleep too. I tried Zopiclone before but hated that since it gave me a metallic taste in my mouth and made anything I ate or drank taste gross. I also tried Trazodone but that didn't work so I'll have to try something else I guess.
  11. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    An addiction nurse confirmed to me that benzodiazepine triggers the same part of the brain than alcohol does.

    When feelings hurt too much, I assume I could get addicted to those (benzodiazepine) as my therapist prescribed me those, even knowing about my alcoholism.

    Life sucks.
  12. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    While that's true, interestingly enough it does not feel like it impairs motor coordination or blurs vision or anything like that unless you take way too much. With alcohol, I feel like it impairs coordination pretty quickly even with just a little bit. I've had no trouble driving on Ativan and actually often feel more comfortable since I'm often anxious about driving here...New Jersey is full of reckless drivers. I generally drive at night more than the day and keep my speeds down when I'm not on the highway due to deer.
  13. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    To help me withdraw from alcohol craving, I will become addicted to lorazepam.

    It is better.
  14. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    lol I hate alcohol and smoking.
  15. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    im severely addicted myself and going through forced withdrawls from k______. I OD last thursday morning and woke to either a seizure or from being comatose accourding to my doctor. i see psych this thursday but havent seen anyone yet. I had taken between 14 and 20mg, not to harm myself, but to tolerate a social scene. the pill popping was pure psychological as its not xanax it doesnt act like that

    now my meds are locked up and i have to ask.

    i smoke pot to help taper and deal with this and am training my ESA dog to be a service dog to stay sober when i can. ive been off alcohol for eight months.
  16. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I never smoked pot or anything like that in my life and am not about to. I also am terrified of needles so I won't be injecting anything either.
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