Im addicted to SI in too many ways

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Craig, Jun 1, 2011.

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  1. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    I have been dreading making this post. I have forced myself to talk about it as much as I can and some of you know my recent events.

    It started when I was 8 or so. I would jump as high as I could and land on my stomach or back. When I was 10 I started cutting and heating metal objects to burn myself. That quickly turned into burning myself dirrectly.

    At 12 or so I stoped cutting because I was getting covered in scars. Particularly on my torso. I then found stabbing to be better. Pushing neetles and small nails through myself because it has the same effect and usuially dosnt leave something that can be identified as a scar.
    I have kinda kept up with that for some time. I did it less over the years and bairly at all for the last 5 but then I hit this point of crisis in my life and went all out.
    I started with a single cut on my arm by the elbow. It was over the artery although I didnt intend to kill myself. I just knew it was there and felt like tempting fate. Like 'fuck it- if It gets cut I die' or something. I decided to limit myself to one cut a day but in two days I carved up my body quite a bit. It was the most I had cut myself in one period of time. It wasnt enough so I started cutting my face. That felt so gratifying in so many ways. Just looking at myself in the mirror and seeing how I destroyed myself in a perniment way.
    After a few hours reality set in and I realised the effects it will have on the rest of my life. I freaked out pretty bad but ended up stitching myself together. That was a new experiance and I loved it. Slowly sewing myself together again. It gave me pride that I was capeable of doing it and at the same time made me hurt and really focus on the way I have devistated my body. Somewhere in there I burned my face a little. I told myself it was to caudelise the wound so I wouldent bleed too much but the cuts were not bleeding much to begin with.
    After all was said and done I had treated it all with stitches, hydrogen poroxide, and sealed it off with superglue. A day or so later I broke down angain and cut myself in a few vital spots. More for the blood than for the cutting itself. I once again freaked and ended up coming here and acting a fool getting 2 infractions. I left and went to the hospital and got proper treatment. They wanted to put me on watch but I convinced them I am getting help and that I am not at risk of killing myself.
    Yesterday I threw out all the things I have been using to hurt myself. All the things I had set up to kill myself if I decided to. I even through out everything I had to sew myself back together.
    I decided that I am going to get back into fighting. I have done quite a bit of competition fighting in my past and was a MCMAP instructor in the Marine Corps. We had something we did called 'body hardening' and I want to get back into it. The idea is inflicting blunt force to certian nerves so that it numbs them off. So that getting hit dosnt hurt as much. Im worried I may go overboard with it because of my history and where I am now. I just needed to get that out there..
  2. Kikyo

    Kikyo Active Member

    Re: Im addected to SI in too many ways

    I feel your pain, I'm addicted to it too.
    I've started tallying the days I don't cut,
    to try to stop and make my self confident,
    but six days is the longest I've gone so far.
    I just can't help wanting to do it,
    it really is addicting, like a drug.
  3. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    Yeah. Theres just nothing like it. I hope that its something we can bolth leave behind us eventually.
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