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i'm afraid i'll kill myself without her

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by blue22, Nov 8, 2015.

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  1. blue22

    blue22 Member

    i feel so stupid just for the title of this thread, it's so pathetic. but my girlfriend and i are in a really bad in-between place, maybe on the brink of breaking up, and i'm really scared of what will happen if we do.

    i won't get into the whole thing, but i hurt her really bad at the beginning of our relationship. i committed to changing and doing better, and things have been much happier, except for when she looks back. i don't blame her for it, because it was really bad, but she keeps going back to how bad things were and how much i hurt her, and when she relives that pain, she doesn't know whether we should stay together. this is the second or third time that it's been like this, then we've gotten together for a day (we're long distance) and things have been great and we've both felt in love again, until we're apart and she's reminded of how bad it was and we both go back to miserable limbo again.

    idk how long we can keep doing this. i feel so guilty for hurting her, even when things are fine. but when things are bad, i feel so unbelievably ashamed, my mind goes into a really bad self-destructive place. i really don't want to kill myself but idk how i can live with myself after this, and idk how i can live without her. last winter i was having suicidal thoughts a lot too, but we came into each others' lives and lifted each other up. we were best friends before we started dating. she's my everything, my only source of support, my only friend, the only person i've ever loved like this. i don't want to go back to being so alone, and i don't want to live without her when i'm so in love with her. right now i feel so stupid for sitting here, waiting for her and longing for her when she's detaching from me, she's thinking about breaking up and moving on. i keep cutting myself and wishing i had the strength to cut deeper but i'm so weak. it sounds so stupid to kill myself over a girl but she's the only good thing in my life, the only thing that's kept me going in the past months.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi blue and welcome to the forum, ive read all of your post and I really do feel for you, I suck at relationship advice so I just want to say you have joined a great community and you will receive lots of support here. Please see a professional for the suicidal thoughts and feelings, they will know how to help you best and you have us here for company and support, you do not sound stupid at all, don't worry. I hope things pan out the way you wish, good luck :)
  3. blue22

    blue22 Member

    thanks petal. i appreciate your response.

    i just feel so stupid. i just messaged her and she says she's feeling better today because she's not focusing on us. i feel so pathetic, sitting here wanting to die, obsessing over this, loving someone that i'm a burden to. i hate myself for hurting her, but i also regret ever getting into this, ever letting myself fall in love.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Love is tricky, i ''thought'' i was in love when in fact i was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Damn I wish i could have those 3 years back. If you want to explain do you want to talk about what you did to her? And you are welcome! Don't feel stupid for falling in love, it's human nature!
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    blue, Hi One thing I want to say first, this topic is not pathetic, what you feel stupid for or about is not Stupid! Now that is just my opinion but it is not, Stupid or Pathetic! It is Love we are talking about, wars have been fought over it, people have died for it, so No Neither of those terms is accurate. Now we get to this bad thing back in the beginning, I am not going to judge either one of you who is right or who is wrong, I cannot do that. I do look and see that you have accepted Blame and responsibility for something back in your past, you have said that you feel Guilty, Still?? I see that you have admitted wrong doing you said you were guilty, you made changes. but you are still beating yourself up about it? Why? Even She is still beating you up over it from what you are saying!
    Excuse me, you are being punished over and over and over again! So you are guilty Guilty Guilty??You are cutting again you are paying a price. You are not weak You do have strength but strength for what? You are in an abusive situation, You are In a Depressed State of Mind, you are not thinking, or rather you are thinking but not the right way, when you are depressed, you body produces chemicals it affects your state of mind. The Effect is you are right now seriously Depressed, your vision what you see and feel are not working correctly, Please, I want to ask you to not even think about hurting yourself or committing Self Harm, Please try and see a Dr or a Mental Health Person As soon as possible, this is for your safety, You have to get some resolution on these issues I feel for both of you! neither one of you is going to be in any shape for having a healthy loving and caring relationship the way things are going.
    You have done something right, coming here is good for you I feel , you will have people that care about you, you will have support which right now I do not feel that you have! we are safe here we do not judge you at all, this is all your choice to accept or reject the advice or information you are being given, we have others in here that can an will talk with you if you want, I want you to know that all of us are here for you! we will support you to the best of our abilities. none of the information will be given to anyone else
    You are Not doing anything Pathetic or Stupid, you have reached out for help, we are here to Help You, where you go from here is your choice you can change, some thing can happen when you are Ready! I wish you the best

  6. Twinkle ☆ Twinkle

    Twinkle ☆ Twinkle Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't feel stupid, and you are not pathetic. You are a human being with feelings & that's okay. You're in love and you feel very strongly about someone.

    If you two really love each other want to work on your relationship you should focus on positive things, and making the relationship pleasant for both of you. Don't focus so heavily on the past and your mistakes. It's okay to go over what happened, talk about it, about how to fix it then both of you need to try to move on.

    If you did something to hurt her, and you're really sorry about it, prove it to her. Demonstrate it to her through you actions. If she keeps trying to make you feel bad about what you did and won't let it go, that's not really healthy for either of you & your relationship.
  7. blue22

    blue22 Member

    thank you so much for all your kind words. i wish i didn't still feel so alone. idk if i'll ever stop feeling alone without her.

    we just talked for a little while and i feel so much worse than i did before. she's feeling really negative about any possibility of us staying together, and now i'm feeling negative too. it seems like even if we stay together, i'll spend the rest of the time trying to make up for what i did. the thing is, i don't care. that would be really unhealthy, but i would do it happily, because she's worth it. being with her in any way is worth any pain it might cause me. and maybe that's a testament to how much i hate myself. all i want is her and i feel so stupid for it. this whole time i've been bracing myself for the break-up and i almost wish she would just do it, get it over with so i can stop stupidly hoping. i want to die more than ever, i'm such scum, i can't believe i found someone like her and i crushed the love she had for me, i ruined everything we had.
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Blue, I am so sorry you are hurting. Having never been in a relationship I can only offer limited advice. But I will say that a part of any relationship is the ability to forgive. Everyone hurts their partner at one time or another and to one degree or another. If she had hurt you I suspect you would have forgiven her. Her inability to forgive is a concern. Have you asked why she keeps bringing it up and why she can't forgive you. Let her know how much it hurts when she does bring it up. If she is not capable of forgiving, she may not yet be ready for a serious relationship.

    Take care of yourself.
  9. blue22

    blue22 Member

    thank you everyone. i'm really grateful to have found so much support here when things were so bad. things are a little better now, my girlfriend and i are going to try to make things work. but i'm still terrified of losing her. i'm still afraid that i will go right back to that self-destructive place if things go wrong again. i guess for most of us, that's a fear we have to live with?
  10. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Blue, Stay connected here please don't run away, even if right now things are good, we can help maintain them, we have a lot of helps here in the forum, I am not saying be here everyday but drop in let us know how you are doing, how she is doing others here like to see someone that is doing well, I am really glad that things are working out! it makes the world a brighter place for all of us! Good Job! Well Done!
  11. blue22

    blue22 Member

    True-Lee, i might. honestly, i'm ashamed of my suicidal thoughts, so i'm not sure how comfortable i will be with spending more time here unless i am in a crisis. but i am deeply thankful for the support i've gotten here, and even for just being able to look around and read other people's stories. i'm really glad this community exists, that those who hate themselves can come together and support each other.
  12. blue22

    blue22 Member

    i feel so stupid for being back in this place. things go back and forth a lot but they are really bad again. she's not talking to me - two days ago she coldly cancelled our plans for sunday and said she'd rather not talk to me right now. i guess she's angry about the past and i can't blame her for it. i'm just having a really hard time coping by myself. idk if we're even on the edge of breaking up again or not, but i can't stop thinking about her and how stupidly in love i am. i don't want to live without her. i obsessively check my messages to see if she wants to talk, but there's always nothing, she's not even coming online, and i'm just sitting here like a pathetic sap reliving all the happy moments that we've lost and hating myself for all the ugly things i did.

    over the weekend i was home from college and i'm realizing how helpful it was to be near my family. my mom and brother don't really understand, but having them nearby made me feel less alone. now i'm stuck back at school and i have no one and it's suffocating me. and the worst thing is that i feel so guilty for these thoughts. my mom confided to me that she has been struggling with depression because of her own problems. if i killed myself idk if she could handle it, i don't want to do that to her, and the fact that i'm considering it makes me want to die even more. i've never been closer than i was yesterday, i even found something i could use. and i feel pathetic for it. instead of doing it i paced around, crying uncontrollably and talking to myself, which made me feel even more scared and out of control. cutting myself is the only thing that helps, but i feel so guilty for that too. i really need some help but idk how to get it, i feel like my girlfriend is the only one who has the power to make things any better, and she is probably completely detached from me again now. i'm so scared.
  13. blue22

    blue22 Member

    i'm wondering if anyone will see this if i keep bumping it, maybe i should make a new topic instead. but it doesn't really matter. i am so alone right now and i need some support, but the only person who can bring me out of this is my girl, and she's busy hating my guts right now.

    yesterday i had an appointment with my counselor and she suggested checking myself into the hospital and that scared the crap out of me. i don't want to be like this. i feel so weak. i keep cutting, i found a new way to cut even deeper, and i keep snapping a band on my wrist, too, so i can feel this pain constantly. but i'm starting to feel numb to it. and what does that mean? does that mean i need to hurt more, i need to cut deeper? i want my mom but i am such a mess and i don't want to worry her, i can't tell her any of this. so what? so i will keep sitting here reliving every fucked up thing i've done, thinking of all the pain i've caused her, hearing every ugly thing she said about me. my dad used to say awful things but i was an innocent kid then. this time i deserve every word, i've earned it. i will always hate myself and i can try to handle that, but i honestly can't handle the one person i love more than anything in the world thinking i'm disgusting scum. i don't blame her for it, but i can't live with it.
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