i feel so stupid just for the title of this thread, it's so pathetic. but my girlfriend and i are in a really bad in-between place, maybe on the brink of breaking up, and i'm really scared of what will happen if we do. i won't get into the whole thing, but i hurt her really bad at the beginning of our relationship. i committed to changing and doing better, and things have been much happier, except for when she looks back. i don't blame her for it, because it was really bad, but she keeps going back to how bad things were and how much i hurt her, and when she relives that pain, she doesn't know whether we should stay together. this is the second or third time that it's been like this, then we've gotten together for a day (we're long distance) and things have been great and we've both felt in love again, until we're apart and she's reminded of how bad it was and we both go back to miserable limbo again. idk how long we can keep doing this. i feel so guilty for hurting her, even when things are fine. but when things are bad, i feel so unbelievably ashamed, my mind goes into a really bad self-destructive place. i really don't want to kill myself but idk how i can live with myself after this, and idk how i can live without her. last winter i was having suicidal thoughts a lot too, but we came into each others' lives and lifted each other up. we were best friends before we started dating. she's my everything, my only source of support, my only friend, the only person i've ever loved like this. i don't want to go back to being so alone, and i don't want to live without her when i'm so in love with her. right now i feel so stupid for sitting here, waiting for her and longing for her when she's detaching from me, she's thinking about breaking up and moving on. i keep cutting myself and wishing i had the strength to cut deeper but i'm so weak. it sounds so stupid to kill myself over a girl but she's the only good thing in my life, the only thing that's kept me going in the past months.