I'm afraid of dealing with myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetTearsOfDeath, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    It's almost as if I don't know who I am. I can't figure it out. People tell me not to change because they love me. Do they realize yet that they are only loving the mask I wear? The mask I do not dare take off... I can not stop crying. I see a psychologist and have been put on some serious stuff. I'm so young to add to it. I can't handle any more of this. I wish I could be in a freak accident and die... I couldn't do suicide. It would destroy my mother. My grandfather, and her father, commited suicide less than a year ago after an attempt two years ago. She continues to cry and get meltdowns at the mention of his name. She also starts smoking sinse, though promises to stop everyday... If I did this, she might end up doing it as well. I can not put that onto my mother. I can't help my self any longer. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid and has lost all hope/motivation that ever existed in my life. All gone. Many people love me and try to make me feel better... None of it helps. I don't know why. I don't know what I can do to make it help. I just... I need a way out. I need to start over... though I am afraid to. I'm just a big chicken. I'm scared and I can not help it.Does anyone have ideas that can help me?

    -Tubachickk
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome. It is horrible what you have gone through and it is no wonder why you are feeling is such dispair...have you spoken to someone about this? Please know that here you do not have to wear a mask, and that there are many people who can relate to how you are feeling...glad you shared this with us and please continue posting...big hugs, J
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    what you can do is talk okay to your GP let know what turmoil you are going through. He may put you on medication for awhile just to help you beat this depression to help level your emotions out. The meds do help abit. I hope your mother is getting treatment for her depression as well. You do need to move forward when you are ready Start a new life for yourself go to school create a safe environment for you. First thing is to talk okay to your doctor I am glad you have a psychologist work with him;her open up tell what your feeling your doc will help your through all these emotion It will take time okay to heal You need to know that you will heal and you can move forward with school with living your life. hugs
     
  4. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Thanks you two. I have talked to my psychiatrist a lot lately but she always tells the same thing. "It's all hormones. It is normal for a teenager to be cranky." I just wish that she would realize what I was saying.
    I have tried to start over at school and all but it's so hard. So many reminders of my past. I asked my mother if I can transfer to another school and she says her normal answer. No. :dry: I try re-doing my room or re-thinking my day. I can not find anything that helps. I feel like I need out. I need fresh air. But, the air outside is not enough. I keep waiting... Waiting for something to happen to just be free of all of this mess...
    -Tubachickk
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    write out what you want to say okay in clear big words and give your pdoc the letter. Make sure she hears that it is not just hormones you are suffering greatly and need her help so please help me get out of the emotional hell.
    Do not let pdoc dismiss you again until takes steps to do something. If not get a new doctor okay because you need one that listens
     
  6. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    That is a great, idea. Thank you so much. I should try that next time I see her. For now, I walk like a zombie everywhere I go. I try to smile and I try to be happy... But it never sticks. I can't get the idea of suicide out of my head. One word, seven letters, and an awful meaning. It shadows my mind and tears up my plans. I wish I could just be normal for once. And not be so... Me.
    -Tubachickk
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hopefully doc listens if it get bad go to emergency room okay pdoc there will listen to you hugs
     
  8. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    The emergency room? Why would I go there? Doctors and all of that stuff scares me. You could say I'm just a little paranoid about it. I agreed with my doctor that sending me to the mental hospital because it might help me but my mother said no. She said I didn't belong there. She went when she was a kid and hated it. She strongly said no, end of story. But, maybe I would help. Thanks for listening to me. It's nice to have at least one person actually listening to me. I really appretiate it:biggrin:.
    -Tubachickk
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad your mother is looking out for you I just meant to emerg to get an assessment for medication not to be admitted. Take mom next time with you to doctors and get her to advocate for you. You should not have to suffer like you are i hope pdoc listens hugs any time you want to pm me please do
     
  10. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    Oooh, that makes sense. My mother always goes in with me because I have a moderate social anxiety and afraid to be alone with her. I was thinking that next time I can go in by myself and completely spill to my doctor. Just tell her everything... Even it gets me to cry. My mother is very complicated. She doesn't look out for me often. But when she does, she has the worst timing. Thanks for your help[: I'll keep that in mind to pm you...
    -Tubachickk
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think that is a good thing to do go in by yourself and spill everything to your doctor Give doctor the whole picture okay so you can get help finally Hugs
     
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