I'm afraid of dying. But I want to kill myself. I don't make any sense at all.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by winduptoy, Feb 13, 2013.

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  1. winduptoy

    winduptoy Active Member

    I'm a bad hypochondriac. Right now I feel sure that I have a brain tumor. I probably don't, given my history.

    The thing is I'm so depressed right now I want to kill myself. I'm scared of having a deadly brain tumor WHILE I WANT TO DIE.

    How does this even make sense?! I don't know what to do or who to talk to. If I were capable of laughter, I'd laugh. It's so ridiculous.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    It makes sense to me. You wouldn't find mixed feelings / opinions about something else ridiculous, would you? Part of you is so unhappy you want to die to end those feelings. Another part is equally desperate for hope / help so that you can feel good. Hang on. Acknowledging your hypochdria indicates insight on your part. Get help IRL as well as on here. Hugs
  3. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    I deal with this on a daily occurance. I feel the same as you. I think it has to do with im scared of screwing it up. Suicide is more complicated then people think. Our bodies will always fight to stay alive. Even if turned into a veggie.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    it makes sense to me. Too many stories out there that I have read about it all. I know the hell I have here. But if I try to end my life, I do not know what will lay before me. Best to not go messing around with the unknown. It could end up being worse than what I have.
  5. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    That subject title really describes my situation. I want to stop living this life because my life has become a living hell and all of my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. However, I am scared to die because I am not sure where I will end up afterwards. I wish to God that my life was not ruined.
  6. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    i agree it does make sense. im afraid of having regrets and not having lived life to the fullest and achieved what i wanted to achieve but at the same time i feel numb to things around me and seem to be watching moments pass me by. i am scared of non-existence but again want to cut and hurt myself.
  7. Twinkle ☆ Twinkle

    Twinkle ☆ Twinkle Well-Known Member

    Like the others have said, I also agree that it makes sense. I think the reason you want to kill yourself it to end the pain and hurt you feel. You want out of your depression. But wanting to end this depression is different from wanting to die and end everything because I think that you still want to live and find hope and a way to be happy.

    I hope you find a way to deal with your issue and that things get better for you. :hug:
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes, what twinkle said rings true. I want to live. Not just exist..... in pain. To truly live !! I would prefer this greatly to dying. I think many here also would.
  9. dieseltrains

    dieseltrains New Member

    Makes sense to me inasmuch as I suffer from the same dichotomy. My life is destroyed, and in the process of getting much worse, my health very poor - every day a living hell except for a few brief moments of escape here and there. I contemplate, and have come very close recently, to going through with pushing the button - and at the moment of truth, fear hits me. It also hits me when my heart acts up, or when I feel like I'm passing out - huge bolts of fear run through me - and yet, I spend all this time thinking about ending it all. I feel so pathetic, and cowardly, and stupid. So perhaps flowers and twinkle get it, and I too must realize I want to live - but not in this pain.
  10. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Everyone is afraid of death - if someone was not afraid, then they are just foolish and delusional or a little bit crazy.
    It is perfectly norma to be afraid to die and yet still want to die yourself, but you should not let those thoughts get to you. It is a natural thing, back from the days of our primate history, and the inner desire (I forget the exact word, but that seems to suffice) that self-preservation is what keeps us going.
    When in a state of depression and anxiety, the brain come up all bad the bad things that you never want to contemplate but you have lasted this long, going from day to day without succumbing to your mental desires, so that in itself tells you that no matter how bad things seem in your life, you do have the capacity to overcome them; if you take them one step at a time.

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