I'm afraid of what I might do next...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by mjbee, May 28, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. mjbee

    mjbee New Member

    I didn't really want to post here... but I felt like I needed an outlet because I do not feel comfortable anymore to say this anywhere, not on my personal blogs, facebook, to my friends, anywhere. Because I know I would be deemed pathetic, or even considered as an attention seeker. When that's not exactly what I want, so I hope I can at least have my voice heard here.

    I've been suffering from depression for years since my college days, which was around 2005. I had tried to explain this to my parents, but they've always dismissed it, once with my mother even resorting to slapping me after I had completely broken down and refused to get up and was screaming instead about how I wanted to disappear. She always thought I could snap out of it, that I just wasn't thinking in the right direction. It had been a hard road for me, and I always found myself crying and wanting to disappear a lot, but soon I knew why I was depressed. It was because I always felt alone, I hate being alone, and during my college days I was ALWAYS alone to the point that people called me snobby and selfish. When that wasn't the case... I wanted friends, but I want friends who I can really connect with.

    I managed to find them around the time I graduated, but it wasn't until I quit my first job that I finally "got over" my depression and tasted true happiness for once. I thought, finally, on my own, I had found a way to be happy with my life, with the way things are. That I had people to connect with, even if I didn't have anyone who truly loved me, or had such a terrible love life that it can even be barely called a love life.

    ... But then I found out my father was having an affair, and my world came crashing down again. But I stood my ground, I stood strong. I endured a lot through my father's betrayal and while things aren't the way it was before, my family is still somewhat together. Except for the fact that it seems even more obvious that I am alone. During these tough times, the best friends that I could always connect with now felt distant. They found my situation hard to grasp, hard to understand. They were constantly saying things like "I don't understand your situation but I'm here for you"... and the worst part was being told "I don't understand, but it seems like a journey you have to brave through alone". They all went on to have boyfriends, one of them is getting married. All they talk about to me are their dreams for the future, their fears about it or petty fights they had with their significant order. While for me... I'm stuck. I'm alone, confused and was slowly losing sight of whatever future I thought I could have as my situation seemed hopeless. Everyone was moving on to other countries, greater things, but I'm stuck here... dealing with a family that at one moment seems happy, and the next, everyone's at each other's throats.

    I've been breaking down so much that at one point, I began to feel suicidal. I panicked. I knew I needed help but it's hard for me to ask for it when even my own parents are treating it as just me holing myself up in my room a lot and that I just need to get out of it more, hang out with people and I'll feel better. I don't know how to explain that being in people's presence, while it makes me happy at that moment, I feel the strain of loneliness even more when I'm alone. I'm chanting, "Let me die, let me die, let me die" constantly now, it's insane, even though I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I would hurt so many people if that happens...

    But last night, after enduring a weekend filled with family and some friends, I snapped. I broke down so badly that I started choking myself, and that sensation, that short sensation of not being able to breathe, made something snap inside of me. I started to laugh. All this time, I was so afraid of death, it suddenly seemed even more welcoming. Like I can do it at anytime now, there was nothing to be afraid of. I blamed God for everything, I said to Him that He made me this way... He made it easy for me to feel loneliness when it was obviously my weakness. I knew I wasn't alone, but that feeling, that anger, the hilariousness of my situation, of how I was aware I was depressed and suicidal and how easily I was giving in to the situation, it was insanely strong. I felt close to death, and it gave me comfort.

    A part of me is desperate to talk to someone, anyone. But I'm afraid of feeling the same thing, that sudden sensation of loneliness when I'm alone and about to sleep. That, and I don't want people to think I want attention. I've mentioned this to my close friends many times, but again, they sound just as clueless cause none of them had gone through what I'm going through now, so they don't know what to say to me.

    While I am not suicidal now, the fact that I KNOW I can do it is strong, and if I break down again, I may actually do it. So please, anyone, give me something I can work with here. I'm tired of not knowing the answers, not knowing what to do. I need help, desperately.
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi mjbee, welcome to SF...you can feel safe posting here...we won't judge you or look down on you. I prefer posting here instead of talking to my friends about my issues, because they just don't seem to understand. But a lot of people here will understand where you're coming from.

    I'm sorry that your family hasn't been supportive or helped you through your depression...often times if people haven't dealt with it firsthand, they can't really seem to understand where you're coming from. That doesn't excuse their bad behavior towards you, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this alone. We are here for you, so I hope that comforts you a bit. I wish I had the answers for you...to tell you how to get rid of the suicidal thoughts and feelings, but I struggle with it all the time. Have you tried talking to a counselor or therapist or anyone like that? They can come up with some solutions to help you. It's good to get your feelings out here and talk, but it would be a good idea to get help outside of this site. If you ever need anything, or just to talk, feel free to message me at anytime.
     
  3. mjbee

    mjbee New Member

    Thank you so much... it's really good to know I won't be judged when I'm here, especially since we live in a world where people constantly judge us. I'm trying to see a therapist right now, but the person I've been recommended to will not be free until next week, so I worry I won't last until then. I've been told to live one day at a time, but it feels so bleak right now... But I'm trying to tell myself that if I can live today, I can surely make it through tomorrow. I just worry that if I have another breakdown, I may really hurt myself next time. I don't know what to do when that happens.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    That's good that you have found a therapist...and I now it's really hard right now, but please stay strong. Taking it one day at a time is best....don't try to think about too much and just keep yourself occupied. Do you have anything that can distract you from the bad feelings? Any hobbies or anything like that?
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.