I'm afraid to tell anyone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aka21, Apr 17, 2015.

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  1. aka21

    aka21 New Member

    I've been thinking killing myself and wanting to die since I was 13(22 now). I've been diagnosed with bipolar II and MDD. I have been to the hospital 3 times in the last three months. I never stopped thinking of killing myself even on the meds.
    The thoughts just come whenever. Not just when im depressed. Their is no feeling that will pass. But I want to donate my organs. I want to go as painless as possible. I have told my therapist about my thoughts but not the severity of them. My mom knows something is wrong but I wont tell her.

    As my feelings get stronger, I try to balance them out(Thats why I am reaching out online to help counter balance the desire of death). I don't want to call the hotline because they will send me to the hospital. I'm just getting more comfortable with death as my only option.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello aka and welcome to the forum, I really am glad you joined us here, most of us understand how you feel. It gets very difficult and you can feel very alone.
    I hope you find this forum helps you. If you want to open up about why you are suicidal we will listen.
     
  3. aka21

    aka21 New Member

    Thats a big problem for me. I don't really know why I want to die. The therapist in the hospital said I have the ultimate therapist torture( i want to kill myself, I don't know why, and i wont give any clues). Im sure their is hurt and pain in there. But I don't know what I'm looking for
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That does sound like a problem but depression can come from a chemical imbalance in the brain so you cannot feel a reason for it, i'm sure they will have told you that. Whatever happens, I do hope you get better and start to feel happier soon.
     
  5. aka21

    aka21 New Member

    Hey, I just want to let everyone know that I am alive and fine. I had a plan and everything. But I chose to go to the hospital instead. I am doing great now. I haven't thought about death in over a month now. I am living my life and hope to continue being ok. I have changed my thought pattern and tell myself that death is not ok. It is a change in the mind, not the medicine that has helped me.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome back, I am so glad you came back to share your story with us. I hope it can encourage others who are feeling down and suicidal. Well done you on getting yourself better! :hugs:
     
  7. Starting Over

    Starting Over Active Member

    Hi Aka21,

    Its great that you are reaching out for help online! But if/when you can no longer balance the pain, you need to admit the extent of your thoughts to your parents and therapist. It's not worth losing your life, just because you are terrified to admit your true feelings (and being frank about this issue is terrifying-talking about it with others was one of the hardest things I've ever done).
     
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