I'm Afraid

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 8, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    So I have plans to take my life but recently my father left a voice mail for my mother. I live at home with her and she told me that he said that I told him she was abusive towards me. Even though I specifically said, YEARS AGO she used to be verbally abusive for understandable reasons (long story) but she's her old self again and I love it. I love her with all of my heart. I HATE, absolutely hate to the point of nearly throwing up every time I think about it, that my dad would make her feel as if...she's said to me has made me feel so depressed. Especially since it's my DAD I can't stand. I'll never use the word hate, but I do not like him at all. Not even a little bit. Don't feel like getting into why. I'm Afraid that after I commit suicide, she'll replay what my dad said to her in her head and believe it when it isn't true at all. Worse yet, I'm Afraid my Dad will blame her when he's been one of the MAIN reasons why I am taking my life.

    If my parents point fingers, which is very likely because they have a rocky past when dealing with one another, I want to be sure that my Dad will not make her feel bad because of my suicide, make her feel as if it's somehow her fault. I do not want her to go through that pain. I'm thinking about pushing back the date, extending it to a later date just so I can have more time to convince her that she is not the cause of my depression or why I'm doing this. Maybe I should just write a bunch of letters in my own hand-writing and saved on my computer as back-up. I don't know. I'm just very paranoid my Dad is going to blame her. God, I can't stand him.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    How are you? I saw this was posted this morning. And I hope you can see I still haven't given up on you. My inbox is always open if you need to chat
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry that I will say to you to stop your plans. Get rid of whatever you have or whatever your plans involve. Its not the answer, honestly.

    I obviously don't know your situation, but please, try talking to someone to get some help.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur mother will blame herself without any input from your father she just will ok i know that so please don't bring that kind of pain to her not if you love her and care for her
  5. Duskhound

    Duskhound Member

    Bud, there will never be a time where you can take your life without your mother and father becoming ruined by it. No matter what they say and no matter what you say, your parents love you. Your mom clearly loves you very much, and even if you don't like your dad, he probably told your mom not to get back at her for old grudges, but because your his child and he cares about you, he loves you.

    If you don't want to cause trouble for them, then don't kill yourself. If you were truly, truly desperate and suicide were the true ultimate solution to your problems, you would not be here telling us you don't want to because you're afraid to hurt someone. You have something worth living for.
  6. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    good point. Still, to be safe, I'm going to...nevermind, not calling him. Anyway, thanks for your input.
  7. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    If you go through with your plans on suicide, I apologise, but I have to say, that will it even change anything about the relationship between your mother and father? If anything, your death would only drive a deeper wedge into what is already a fragile balance. What you need to understand is that no matter what your father say to you or what your mother has done in the past, that is the past. This is the resent and from what I have read, you have pretty much moved on from those times of what has happened between yourself and your mother; it is your father that has not moved on and is now only stirring the pot, bringing up all the negative thoughts and emotions to get to your mother.
    That is his problem alone and has nothing to do with you, so why should play into his games and fall back into such a state of a time long since past when you now live with a new found sense of purpose? If anything, you should prove to your father that what has happened in the past, you have made peace with and need no constant reminder of it. Live your life the way you want, and do not fall into any emotional traps of the past brought about by anyone, because that only leads you to surrendering yourself and what you have now.
  8. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Well, my Dad doesn't have some kind of vendetta against her. I don't think he said that to her with the intent of trying to make her feel bad. I just hate that he said it to her because that's what it probably did. And it also showed he didn't really listen to me, which is no surprise, he never does. But yeah I pretty much made up my mind awhile ago to screw whatever he says to her. she knows how I feel about her now so that's the only thing that matters. It's all water under the bridge now.
  9. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    The problem, my friend, is that once you are gone, you no longer have any power or any ability to comfort or help your loved ones. Most likely, I hate to say it, but most likely your dad WILL blame and attack your mom. There is no way that won't happen. It sounds like its a pattern with him, and I wouldn't think it would change after you kill yourslelf. and you won't be there to help or comfort her or make things better.

    I'm not saying this to be mean. Sometimes the truth is a bitch. I know what its like to want to take your life- believe me, I know. I've tried in the past. But the truth is that when a people are left behind, they grieve immensely. It will be too late for you to make it easier for them, your mom will just have to deal with your death and your dad alone. And it will be very, very very hard for her.

    Maybe its cruel for me to tell you these things, but they are the truth. If you are worried about your mom's feelings, don't do it.
  10. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    lol man maybe i should have worded that differently. yeah he doesn't have any vendetta against her, and he's NEVER done this before actually. It's just I don't want him to get into the habit of doing this after I'm gone. Nah, you're not being cruel. just telling the truth. I actually came to the conclusion that she'll just blame herself regardless of whether anyone blames her or not. But she's strong so she'll be alright.
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    She'll never be alright again.

    I'm a mum and I know if my son took his own life, I'd end up taking mine.
    There is no pain like the loss of a child and at their hand or murdered...unthinkable, unbearable.
    My cousin committed suicide and what it did to his parents was shocking to see.
    They aged ten years overnight and his mother spent the rest of her life in and out of mental hospitals, having breakdown after breakdown.

    I'm not saying this as emotional blackmail, just please rethink your decision and get the relevant help to deal with your depression.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    NOTHING will make it any easier for her. You need to keep on reaching out for support to prevent what you feel will happen. Keep talking, don't refuse support, know you can PM me anytime.
  13. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey HelgasAngel, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! (I guess) :becky: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't do it. I know I'm the last person who could give you a pep talk, but I believe deep down you know this is not the answer. You truly are concerned about your mom, so hang on to that, to her, and don't throw away your life.

    You know I'm here for you.

  14. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    thanks for the birthday wishes sweetheart.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.