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I'm All Alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Darkone, Mar 15, 2007.

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  1. Darkone

    Darkone Member

    I'm all alone and only have one friend in this world but she is getting married and has little or no time left for me. I think I like her but honestly i know I need a friend at least. She is the nicest person I have met in years but now I feel she is turning her back on me. I have a hard time making friends because it is hard for me to trust or love anyone. I have had horrible things go on my life that make me sometimes even cry while I'm a sleep. I never cry when I'm awake despite all the not bad but horrible things that have gone on in my life. I have down a lot of therapy and tried medication before but nothing changes the fact I don't trust or love anyone. My parents you would think would be a big help but they have been nothing but controlling, abusive or neglectful in my life. I don't want to be alone but every friend in the end like this friend now is hurting me more in the end. I don't want to be alone again in this world with no more. Maybe I was never meant to be loved? However all I ever wanted was someone to truly love me and not use me or abuse me. God seems to put nails in my coffin all the time. Like today when I was already feeling down about loosing my best friend, my abusive ex-girlfriend has been coming trying to be a friend again with me. I know she just wants my money and help. I had to tell her some thing hurtful to make her leave. I don't want people in my life that will hurt me. I hope my friend can be there for me again. I don't want to be alone no more for it's a fate worse than death.
  2. devil_sora

    devil_sora Member

    Unfortunately I don't have much advice...
    Are you friends with her fiance`?
    Try and become friends with him too at least then you can remain close friends with her.
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Loneliness can be an awful thing. It's ok in small doses but not all the time. I understand how you feel as I used to be/feel alone more than I wanted to be. I don't know your age or location, but is there any place you could volunteer your time and effort? Volunteering is a great way to meet friends, and usually the sort of people who volunteer for charitable organizations are not mean people. I sympathize with your problems with your friend. I would look for some other friends if it were me. Are there any groups of like-minded people you could join? I'm just saying stay out there looking for friends. You can find some of the best people in the most unlikely places so don't give up.

    good luck and hugs,:hug:

  4. Darkone

    Darkone Member

    I have tried to make friends with my best friends boyfriend. However, he is controlling and does not like me to do stuff with her. I have tried inviting both out to eat and I would pay for dinner but has not worked. I have tried so many things to meet people but have a heart of stone because of all I have been through my life and only seem to let people in that I know for sure are good people. I last night I thought of a gift to give her for her wedding. She does not like surprises so I told her I would give her a lot money to help pay for her wedding. I know she is poor and i have a lot money so I knew it was the right gesture. I guess I hope by helping with her wedding I won't loose my last friend in this world. Money to me has been nothing but a curse but hope that it will show that I don't want to loose her. I guess really why it hurts so much to loose her is she reminds me so much of a friend I lost to a drunk driver. The friend I lost I loved because she was the nicest person you could ever know and so is my friend that is getting married. I don't fear dieing but fear dieing and never being loved. I fear even a worser fate and that is dieing inside and becoming dead but alive. I am so afraid if something really bad happens that there will be no one that truly loves me to save me from the darkness in my heart filled with pain, agony, despair, anger, and sadness. I don't want to die inside or die. However, the wheels of fate may be already happening. I may loose my only friend. Their are a few people in my family I really care about even though they have not really shown me love that are getting older and I feel might die sometime soon in my life. I fear the might be my breaking point because I won't have anyone to save me from my heart. The irony is I would become rich but money can't by love. I so scared not of me but the things that people have done to me and how much sadness it brings to my life. I have been abused, controlled, druged and raped, almost died before because of medical problems that happened when I was little, I have had friends die, I have lived at times without a single friend for years, I have had people want me for money or my kindness, my parents have abused me neglected and have been controlling. I just want someone I can love and hold tight in arms at night and for them to love me back. That is all I ever wanted. I prayed so much for simple things like for people not to hurt me, a friend, or someone to love. God never answers my prayers even if I'm trying not to have bad things happen to me. Can you God Please help me for once in my life because I don't think I save myself.
  5. Darkone

    Darkone Member

    I'm scared of loosing my only friend. I was thinking a really dark thought this weekend. What if I broke up my friend with her boyfriend? It might be real easy I could pay some girl a bunch of money to act like she has been sleeping with her boyfreind. I even thought of the perfect story the would fit to not make it sound fake. However, I don't want to hurt my friend but I also don't want to be alone. I know this sounds crazey and I'm unlikely to do it, but maybe I could step in if it cause them to break up and see about marrying her. I'm afraid though I feel something dark building up inside of me that might try to get every thing I ever wanted even if it ment breaking all morales and manipulaing the people around me. I'm tired of all ways being stepped on and being used. Maybe it would be better if I just died then become something evil.
  6. Cluster

    Cluster Active Member

    I'm afraid I cant help you because I have similar problems myself. I feel like all life and spirit is draining out of me, leaving emptyness. Loneliness is a torture, but maybe if you wait, you may get more friends in time. Have you told your friend about these feelings? I may not be able to fix your problems but you can talk to me about it if you want.
  7. eddizle

    eddizle Member

    wow seams like we all have the same problem, i am also a loner but anyway dont try break your friends relationship, that would make your friend sad which you dont want, try to speak to your amigo about what you are feeling
  8. lostcat95

    lostcat95 Guest

    being alone is great! I feel better when i'm alone and people aren't in my face.
  9. SynchPedro86

    SynchPedro86 Guest

    Damn m8, that's terrible to hear the news. But you can still be friends with her. I was in a situation like your one last year. Well, the girl wasn't married but she left to go elsewhere. We still talk on Bebo, and I don't wanna spoil our mutual friendship.

    Hope everything is OK, these people DO like you. Remember that always. :)
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Well, if it makes you feel any better you have us now. :unsure: :hug:
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