I'm all done....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beachdawg, Jul 14, 2011.

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  1. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    I tried posting here a few months back while I was just looking for some company as I counted down my days. I ended up not doing anything.

    But, as sure as the sun rises, my life condition again catches up with me. I just cannot overcome my failures, my faults, my weaknesses. It is a Darwinian world out there... survival of the fittest. And, I'm just nowhere in that fittest category.

    I just get older, chubbier, and more and more alone and isolated. 45 years is really long enough. Enough misery. Enough rejection. Enough solitude. There is so much out in the world I just would have loved to have.. family, children, peace of mind, backyard barbecues, the list goes on and one.

    But, I just can't. I just don't belong. I just wasn't born to be one of the smart/beautiful/wealthy people who can have happiness for the taking.

    I'm not fighting it anymore. All my resisting just made things tougher. I should have just accepted my futile condition years ago. No more therapy; it doesn't work for me. No more anti-depressants; I'm immune to them all by now. It's time to check out. This time around, I have my list, and I'm getting my affairs in order. It will be a few days, but I do feel the need to plan things out.

    I kind of chuckle when I think that the only one who would even be upset is my employer... one less person to go out and make more and more money for them. At least I can stick it to them like they stuck it to me for the last 15 years and just sucked every last remnant of life right out of my soul. Greedy fucking bastards... if there's a hell, they'll be in it.

    Well at any rate, I'm at peace. I'm even a little happier right now... the suffering is ending soon. Maybe my posts can be saved or something after I'm gone... some indication perhaps that I did try to live on this earth.

    Or maybe not. Oh well. I'm happy and will be at peace soon.
  2. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Ah... I just saw it!!! The paypal link. I'll make a donation via paypal before I check out... maybe that could help this site stay afloat and perhaps help someone in crisis. That's my best idea all day :)
  3. Thank you for your donation to maintain this site.. How about registering yourself to do some charity marathon runs..?

  4. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Haven't donated yet; I'll set that up so the donation is made after I've killed myself. A couple of weeks or so... be patient.. it's coming.
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi beachdawg,

    I’ve read many of your posts and understand that you have been considering a “rational suicide”…

    Just wondering - how is your mom? How old is she? …

    No, I’ll not say that you should save yourself for anyone else…

    Just to mention that there is a possibility that you may have very much misjudged yourself…

    It’s so obvious that you are NOT weak - you have overcome so much in life…

    You are NOT stupid - from your posts I’ve read, you have lots of insights and knowledge about the conditions you’ve been through which can be very helpful to many people - maybe even change or save their lives…

    You seem to be very well organized and you have been able to maintain a job for so many years…

    About girlfriend, you seem to be so mature now. A woman would be lucky to find you and to share life with you. Why not check out online dating? You may even find your soul mate…

    I know you are not really looking for advice or anything, but I just have to say this: Have you been fair to yourself? Maybe you deserve a lot more credit and time to explore life?

    I saw you mention somewhere about “spiritual” - what does “spiritual” mean to you if I may ask?

    And a few more questions:

    Is it absolutely true that “smart/beautiful/wealthy people” are all happy or happy people have to be “smart/beautiful/wealthy”?

    You said “All my resisting just made things tougher. I should have just accepted my futile condition years ago.” What does “accept my futile condition” really mean? What is acceptance after all? Is it possible for you to consider this:

    No more resistance. Accept whatever is…truly accept…and live…and see if you can feel peace - real peace - not imagined peace…not by escaping but by accepting or surrendering…

    It wouldn’t hurt to give this a try before you “go”…?
  6. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing, thanks for the kind words :)

    Mom is in her 70's; my life insurance payout plus my retirement plan and selling my house will have her taken care of pretty good. So she'll be fine; I was basically an afterthought for her as a child anyway, so she'll get over my death. It's really not a big deal.

    And yes, I have been more than fair to myself. I'm 45 years old; I've explored enough to know I just don't belong; I just don't measure up. I don't know how to connect with people, I don't feel close to anyone.

    As for any woman being lucky to be with me... well thanks, but that's just not true. I know you're trying to cheer me up, but the simple truth is I've failed miserably in probably the one aspect in life that can bring much joy and happiness.. that close relationship with your soulmate. I'm simply not attractive in any way, shape or form, and without some type of attraction, no type of love affair/relationship will ever develop. It's just that simple. Sure, I have female friends, but just friends... they would rather drink dirty dishwater than have me as an actual boyfriend. Why? Attraction. There is none. I'm the safe guy to hang around with, but any dating suggestions simply brings on the looks of revulsion that I know so well. Oh well, no biggie now. I accept it.

    Oh, and I have accepted and surrendered to being me. Understanding and accepting I'm simply not the alpha male that succeeds in today's world. Understanding I'm one of the wimpy, slower, dim witted people that just gets pushed aside in mankind's evolutionary move forward where only the strongest and fittest survive. I understand that. I accept that. And, I accept that it hurts me to be on the outside looking in; that I'm on the fringes and am not really accepted. The hurt, the pain, the rejection, the lonliness, the solitude. I accept it all. That is my life. That is my next couple of weeks until things are wrapped up, then I'm outta here! Free at last! Peace at last!

    But thank you for responding. Be good to yourself.
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Is it completely true that “in mankind's evolutionary move forward where only the strongest and fittest survive”? I invite you to have a look at the video clip below (which is also in my signature field):


    Nick has no arms and legs, but he says he loves life…

    If you truly “have accepted and surrendered to being” you, you wouldn’t choose to kill what you have truly accepted...logical?

    Truly accepting being you includes accept whatever exists with being you - how your surrounding is. Believe or not, psychological pain (hurting inside) can be optional. The external world is far from ideal, but we have the power to be free from the external world - to go beyond it - we can choose not to be hurt by other people’s unconscious reactions towards us; we can choose to unconditionally accept and love ourselves and feel okay with being alone while not necessarily feeling lonely (when our mind is quiet, we can feel the deep connectedness with all forms of lives, such as animals and plants, etc); we can choose to appreciate what we do have while not making ourselves feel bad by wanting what we do not have...

    The mind tells us that we would be happy if we had this or that. The fact is that some people are still miserable even if they seem to have everything... Has it occurred to you that real happiness or peace may not be dependent on "things"?

    I noticed that you did not answer my question re your perspective about “spiritual”…

    You have overcome so much. What if your this life time on earth is to go beyond the thoughts and feelings about the experiences/conditions you’ve had gone through? There is a possibility that a lesson is repeated (through reincarnation) until it’s learned. What if suicide does not really bring you the peace you are imagining? The truth of life remains the same - it does not depend on our beliefs or thoughts or imagination...

    I’m just bringing up some different perspectives to your awareness. of course, I am aware that you do have your “free will”…
  8. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing: I'll define what I consider "spiritual" a little later. I have accepted and surrendered to being myself. And, what I am is simply inferior, lonely, and miserable. Happiness eludes me. My existence is dull and joyless. For years I didn't want to accept this. I put on a happy face and pretended all was well, when it was not. But, those years have caught up to me. Over 30 years, going all the way back to my early teens, I've struggled with the issues of depression and self loathing. But now, I accept it. I accept that my being is a sad, lonely, meaningless existence. Well, meaningful to people I can make money for or give money to so they can enjoy their life or whatever it is they want. But, no meaning to me. Just lonliness and emptiness and endless failed opportunities. That is me. I accept it. But, I don't have to continue, and I won't.

    Yes, I realize real happiness doesn't depend on "things". I've long known that. Possessions don't matter to me. I simply don't care about material possessions. It's the lonliness, desparation, solitude, and misery that haunt me. It's not being accepted, not being able to develop any kind of close relationship with anyone... that's what haunts me. It's being slower, stupider, chubbier than anyone else... that's what has destroyed me.

    I have a duty to die at this point. Plain and simple. No more burden to anyone, and no more suffering to me. I'm actually looking forward to it... I can stick it to the greedy bastards I work for... they'll miss out on a lot of money that I could make for them... which is the only thing they'd ever miss anyway.

    Thanks for responding; sorry I'm so drawn out in my response.
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for your response. I appreciate that your response is from a certain perspective… Would you be open to a different perspective? Here is another video clip entitled “Who Are You.....Really?”:


    You have nothing to lose by watching it :)

    Nobody has “a duty to die” while “death” happens naturally regardless…

    I’d love to hear from you as to how you define what you consider “spiritual"…
  10. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing - I could probably go on all night about my response to the video you've shared in the link in your post. I'm referring to the Kosi video in this post. First off, I think the video is well done and I really like and enjoy the nature scenes and the serenity of the narrator's voice.

    Unfortunately, after a few minutes, I find the philosophical perspective lacking in many ways and really only asking more and more questions without really providing any solid answers. I don't mean to sound rude, but what the hell... I'm only here for a couple more weeks so I'll speak my mind... the video was kind of a religious infomercial. I was a bit surprised I didn't see a toll free number to call at the end of the production.

    Who am I really? That is the question asked repeatedly throughout the video. Who am I really? Now, I realize this is a deep question and can be answered on many different planes of existence and perspectives. But, in the video, if I recall correctly, we're encouraged to keep asking this question and basically strip away all of our identities, all of what we do to gain the "approval and acceptance" of others. And what is left is essentially nothingness except an understanding we're all connected. But connected to what? To each other? Ok, fine, I can accept even that. But, if we assume we're all connected to one another, then without drawing any limits on that connection, we're connected to all aspects of each other's being... good and bad. And, since we're connected to both good and bad, for some of us, the good will win out, for others the bad will win out. For me, the bad has won out. When I say bad, I'm not referring to bad in the sense of dishonest, or criminal, or hurtful. Rather, I refer to bad in terms of the many many flaws that I have. The flaws of anxiety, depression, lonliness, solitude, and desparation. These flaws simply push others away from me time and time again. I don't blame anyone for that; hell I want to get away from me too. But, the bottom line is I can accept we're all connected. But, I also accept nobody's perfect, and if we're all connected, then we're all connected to the good and bad of everyone. And, in my case, I have a stronger connection to the "bad" or human flaws.

    Now, I would also like to comment on another part of the video. This was the portion referring to our thoughts. Or specifically, we have thoughts that "latch" (my term, not the video) onto something... some object of desire, or concept to gain others' approval, and so on. And, furthermore, the video suggests that we should lose all wants and desires, that this desire to possess something (material, spiritual, conceptual, etc) is what causes so much of our distress. When taken to extremes, a desire to possess anything can of course cause distress. However, to lose all attachment to these thoughts and/or desires would imply we simply lose our desire for any level of approval or acceptance. Is that really freedom? Are we really free if we simply do not care at all about any acceptance from society as a whole and specific individuals? No. To lose any desire for acceptance, even if it's in the name of our own health or peacefulness, isn't freedom at all. It's isolation. I'm pretty sure Ted Bundy had absolutely no desire whatsoever to gain any kind of acceptance from society nor did he have any desire about acceptance from any individuals. Yet, I would hardly consider his life an example of someone who was free.

    The simple matter is this... our mind latches onto certain things because we are HUMAN. And, being human means we are a physical being. I'll even agree that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. But, any way you cut and slice it, our human vessel that takes us through this journey has needs. The need for food (hunger) the need for water (thirst) etc etc. When my mind latches onto the thought I'm hungry and I MUST eat, I can train and train and train my mind to drop that thought. There can only be 2 outcomes to that. One, because I continue to be hungry, the thought comes back. And eventually I eat Or, two, I do successfully let go of that thought, pushing "I'm hungry" out of my consciousness, and don't eat and eventually starve. There is no third option. Why? Because we are HUMAN and we MUST eat... no amount of mind training will stop that.

    So, my mind latches onto the fact (it's not a concept, it's not a theory) that I'm lonely. And little by little, that lonliness grows.. gnaws away at me little by little. The lonliness is an alarm. It tells me something is wrong. It tells me that as a human, I am a social creature. We all are. We desire other humans, contact, and close relationships. Without them, we wither and die. I don't have them. I cannot form them. I am withering. I will die soon. Period. I could train my mind to push this thought of lonliness away. But, since companionship is needed for humans, all I will succeed in doing is bottling up an unmet need. And the longer a need goes unmet, the stronger and more desperate it becomes. Eventually, the pain pushes forward, and I realize my need for companionship, acceptance, deep relationships, friendship, family, and on and on simply has not been met. And now, at 45 years of age, with so much of that not being met, the desperation, the futility, the sadness has simply run me over like a bus making its rounds. I am defeated. Instead of fighting the defeat, I accept it. I accept lonliness is the hallmark of my life. I accept my slowness, my disgusting pasty white fat miserable body. I am NOT an alpha male. I am not a leader of the pack. I do not roam this earth with great confidence that I belong and can adapt anywhere and find my own "pack". No, I shuffle through scared and afraid; beaten and battered by all of my life's defeats and rejections. It's a pitiful site; I no longer even wonder why I cannot find any sort of companionship to end my lonliness. I even take less and less comfort in the fact that I've made so much money for the company I work for... that the top level execs can live in their McMansions and drive around in $100k cars. I used to see that and be proud that those wonderful possessions were all from my hard work. But, the gnawing feeling kept creeping up... the hard work, the lost weekends, the lost opportunities for friendship, the lost relationships because I just wasn't around... finally has spilled over emotionally for me.

    But, I can end the misery and suffering. And I shall; I just need to finish getting my affairs in order. I am content; I am at peace. I am even a little happy, if anyone can believe that.

    Back to my thoughts on our (human) desires and needs. Just think if you didn't eat for a week. How strong would that hunger be? I'd probably gnaw away at tree bark or a new set of snow tires or something. Think if you had no girlfriend or wife, etc (I'm a male, so I'll use girlfriend/wife in this example) for decades. Well, measure that against the hunger you may feel after not eating for a week... and you get some sort of an idea of my angst.

    Yes, this is long and I touch on a lot of things. And, it's 2:30 in the morning so I'm a bit sleepy which makes my focus a little weak. However, in this short time, I can find what I would consider 2 major flaws in this film's philosophy. I'll watch it again tomorrow and I'm sure I'll come up with more.

    Now, about a duty to die. You've said nobody has a duty to die. Well, I disagree. I only bring others down with my dour moods, desperation for some kind of friendship, and so on. I don't help society at all; I really can't help. I'm usually too weak or tired to even muster up any desire. My entire life force is spent working relentlessly to make more and more precious money for the company I work for. Today, for example, was somewhat typical. An 11 hour day, dashing back and forth between customer sites, no lunch, no break until about 730 this evening when I finally left for the day. And, I was about to fall over and go to sleep when I did leave. Back home, in my rocker, too tired to even think of reaching out to someone. Tomorrow is Saturday (or actually it already is) and I already have several more customers lined up. I know our upper management is all smiles... they have the day off in their beach houses, boats, expensive cars, and they can show everyone how "successful" they are; yet I'll slave away. My company will charge someone double time for my services, yet I won't get paid that. Hell, I won't even get to sit down and have a fucking lunch on a Saturday.

    Welcome to my world. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to stay.
  11. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing - I have a duty to die. Yes. I do. It defies logic to continue on in an existence that has proven to be so very unhappy and lonely. I have a duty to no longer take up space. I have a duty to no longer eat food or drink clean water that someone else much more desiring of life could have. I have a duty to not hoard whatever financial means I have accumulated when someone else could have that and enjoy it or perhaps even do some good.

    Yes, I have a duty to die. For many reasons.

    I don't expect people to understand, but perhaps a few kinder, gentler souls will. If not, that's okay too. I'm not here to gain acceptance. I just desire to put down some thoughts as I count down my time. That's all.

    Even if nobody can understand or accept my rational suicide, at least know I no longer will be suffering.
  12. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I respect your perspective of the video without “agree” or “disagree”…

    Re hunger, when I feel it, I don’t need to have a thought, like the instinctive response of any kind of animals, if there is food within my reach, I will just eat it, without having to have a thought about the hunger…

    Personally, I don’t know if I fit in. I don‘t feel very attached, but I don’t feel isolation, either. I feel connected with all beings (including you :)) in a way...

    May I suggest that you take a "holiday" - quit the job and take a cruise ship trip or something :pinkrose: before you “go”…?

    I’m here to listen…I’d love to hear more from you…
  13. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    oops, my last post was before I saw your post #11...

    You are so not fair to yourself…

    You have a right to live…a duty to be a friend to yourself…

    Of course, you do not need anyone’s acceptance or approval…and you do have your "free will"...
  14. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing - well you're becoming quite the debator with me :)

    A holiday, no, I don't think so. And I'm not going to quit my job before I go either. I don't want to lose the life insurance benefits... hell, make them pay it out... greedy bastards rode me into the ground for 15 years while they made millions and millions. I'll consider the life insurance payout a "parting gift".

    But, I would find no fun or joy in a cruise. All alone on the high seas? Does me no good; I can be all alone at home, in my home town, in my car, at a shopping mall. I've heard worse suggestions though, so thanks.

    As for hunger, well, the instinct, the impulse we feel is indeed a thought. We don't need to think that thought because it is an automatic stimulus from our brain reminding us to eat. Hungry is a good impulse.. it tells us something is missing, and we can identify hungry with the need to eat, thereby fulfilling a need to survive. Same thing with our other impulses (or, our short, automatic thoughts). They tell us something is wrong, something is missing, and we identify with that thought/impulse and therefore go about filling the void. A survival mechanism. But, it's still a thought. An automatic one, but a thought nonetheless.

    Yes, we all have a right to live. I agree. We all have a duty to be a friend to ourselves. Also true. But, we also have a right to die when it's our time, or when our burdens are just too great to carry on. I suffer greatly from my depression and overall anxiety. I have suffered for over 30 years. It won't abide. It won't get better. And, I'm left with the wreckage of missed opportunities and what could have been as I get older and grayer and chubbier. So, again, enough's enough. I have a right to end my suffering, plain and simple.

    Yes, I have that duty to be my own best friend. And I have. I've been my own best friend by being objective to what I see around me and where I fit in. This way, I have no delusions of grandeur. I don't kid myself, I don't fool myself. I know where I stand and I know I don't belong. So, in fulfilling my duty as being my own best friend, I've come to the conclusion that duty has now lead me to the duty to die. To end it.

    My ending... coming soon....
  15. worthless84

    worthless84 Account Closed

    Beach: you wont get life insurance if you take your own life.... Today is my last full day.
  16. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I have a question: would anyone put his “best friend” down and then kill him?

    Also, does the company pay out the insurance or the insurance company? It sounds almost like a revenge or something you have against the company. Who would be really hurt after all? In addition, you wouldn’t even be here to see or feel…

    You’ve worked so hard for the past 15 years. Surely you are entitled to some holidays? Cruise is only a suggestion. Take some time off any way. Go to the nature. Do something different. Get a pet or something (I‘m serious - one guy told me that his dog literally saved his life from his depression years ago and he has enjoyed his life since.). There are many ways one can enjoy life. I enjoy the simplicity of life. It does not have to be complicated or luxurious…

    Well, everyone is going to get older and grayer or chubbier…and everyone is going to die sooner or later…but most people would not kill themselves before their natural death - which comes soon enough anyway…

    Again, nobody has the duty to die, including you. As a matter of fact, there is no such thing as “rational suicide”, although you can convince yourself through your mind that there is…

    Then again, you do have the “free will” to…

    hugs :hug:
  17. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Worthless: Life insurance typically does pay off for a suicide. There is a waiver period. My policy I believe has a 1 year period. So if my suicide were to occur within the first year of holding the policy, then there would be no payout. Otherwise, they'll pay the policy value.

    Please don't let this be your last day. You can recover from your debt.
  18. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Lovebeing: Part of being a best friend is being able to say those difficult things to your friend that others won't. You can do that because your friend knows it's "tough love" but love nonetheless. I think you're confusing a "put down" with tough love. As my own best friend, I give myself tough love, plain and simple. As far as your best friend killing you, well yes, that can also happen. It's difficult, but again, imagine your friend is suffering. Would your best friend want you to continue to suffer so greatly? No, not if they're your absolute best friend. They would try and try and try everything and anything to help you feel better. And, once all of that is exhausted, but your suffering remains, they may help you end it all. Not out of anger, hate, or some sort of misguided perception. No, out of love. Love because they can't bear to see you suffer anymore in lonliness and isolation. I'm my own best friend. I'm acting out of love. I cannot bear to see (or feel) myself suffer any more.

    An insurance company pays out the policy. But, I'm sure after I kill myself, the insurance company would certainly want to raise those premiums on all policies that go to our company, of which the company pays a significant portion. So, I'm hitting them the hardest where it hurts most; really the ONLY place where it hurts. Their wallet. Their precious precious money. The only language the capitalist pigs of the U.S. can really understand and relate to.

    As for enjoying life... forget it. I have worked too long and too hard. Any pleasures or enjoyments have long since vanished. I wouldn't even have a clue as to what I might even begin to enjoy. If anything. I may have actually lost the ability to feel joy, happiness, or to experience either.

    And yes, my suicide is rational. It is rational plain and simple because I am rational. I am choosing to end my emotional torment, my lonliness, my isolation. It's a rational decision based on 30 years of my own personal experience which strongly suggest absolutely nothing, not one thing, will change for the better for me.

    Understand that the older, grayer, and chubbier bothered me because I have never been married, no girlfriend for years, etc. So as I get fatter and even more pasty white and gray haired, I can see the stark reminder of why women have found me so miserably repulsive when I show a romantic interest. So, no wife, no kids, no family. Darwinian. The strongest shall survive, and I'm nowhere near the front of the class.

    The duty is here; it is mine. I accept it. I have a free will, and I will no longer use that free will to cause myself further suffering. I shall use that free will to end my misery and literally set myself free.

    I do find debating you is a challenge, and I think I will actually get you to see my point of view, and see that I'll be at peace and that a rational suicide would at least apply to me and is the best option for me.
  19. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I do wish you real peace…

    You’ve never really accepted yourself. You have called yourself slow, stupid, weak, failure, unattractive (no chance for a girlfriend or wife/family)...while you have overlooked how much you have overcome and achieved… That’s not put down but “ tough love”? Would you ever do anything like that to anyone else? Not likely. Why? Because your sanity wouldn’t allow you to and your true loving nature can only be found in your sanity…

    The video clip “Who Are You…Really?” actually did provide a solid answer to the question - the “awareness” (or spirit or soul or whatever you call it) of everything in your life experiences including your thoughts is who you really are...

    Nevertheless, you said that you can accept that “we’re connected to all aspects of each other’s being”. If this is true, you would not feel lonely or isolated. So maybe one can say that “loneliness and isolation” is actually out of misperception…

    Real peace is freedom, joy, happiness…but what is peace? Real peace is beyond concept/understanding. When the mind defines peace or happiness with some ideas of life situations that could bring one peace or happiness, it’s no longer the real peace…while the real peace is within each one of us as it is our true nature. Nobody can lose the ability of being what he/she truly is…

    I can feel your deep anger towards the company for which you have worked so hard for so many years. As you said, “I have worked too long and too hard. Any pleasures or enjoyments have long since vanished.” You are right - it has been “too long and too hard” indeed, but it’s not too late to change it. If you do not want to quit the job, can’t you choose to take a pay cut and work less as money is not everything? There must be something you can do? Just remember this: Your life is sacred and worth much more than the money the company would probably end up paying the insurance company for the possible increased premiums…

    Since you mentioned “Darwinian” again, what would you say about Nick Vujicic who has no legs and no arms but loves life?

    The ultimate question for you now may be: Is suicide really going to end your misery and set you free? One possibility is “yes”; the other possibility is “no” - which does not depend on our beliefs, perceptions…only the truth of life can ultimately tell/decide… Maybe that’s why there is a saying “(knowing) the truth will set you free”?

    Sincerely wishing you Real Peace…from the :heart:
  20. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    I did watch the video clip in the link you sent. It is very good and this man has accomplished much and has much to be proud of while inspiring so many. I'll comment more on the video in a few minutes....

    First, though, your suggestion to offer to take a reduction in pay for reduced hours has often been given to me. Unfortunately, given my situation, that's absolutely the worst idea around. My employer would very quickly and very gratefully (greedily) say "yes" to this. And I would be able to work reduced hours 40-45/week perhaps plus only work locally. That would last for about a month. Then, all would be forgotten, as I'd have to fill in, pick up the slack, pitch in and do my share... you get the idea. But, the pay reduction would stay in place. The end result is I would very quickly be back to my current workload and travel schedule, but with reduced pay. Or, to put it another way, I would very very quickly put more money into the hands of those that already have too much. Money isn't everything? No, in the business world, where I work, money IS everything. Money is the ONLY thing. And, I would essentially hand, on a silver platter, even more money to those who need and appreciate it the least. So, that idea wouldn't work. But thanks for the suggestion.

    As for never really accepting myself... well, I have. If I came on here and said I was a brilliant, wealthy adonis, well then I'd be delusional. And in that case, I really would not have accepted myself. But, I'm not a brilliant, wealthy adonis. I accept that. I accept myself for who I am... slow, overweight, shy, anxious, and fairly stupid and naive. I fully accept that. Life's tough; not everyone can be happy nor is meant to be. I am not. I am mired in my own lonliness and sadness. But, I do have hope because it will soon be ending. That's the choice. Difficult, but one I consider wise and even brave.

    Real peace is indeed within each one of us. I agree. But, since it cannot be defined, as you have stated, then I would offer the opinion that since real peace cannot be defined, each of us has to define it on our own. And, it will be different for each person. For me, real peace eludes me in this life. It has for decades. So, I seek out and will find real peace once I terminate this life, this inferior body, brain and psyche. I will shed what holds me back.

    I thank you for your wishes of finding real peace. I haven't yet, but I know where to look and what actions to take. This is the truth for me. And yes, it shall set me free.

    The video was great. I liked it. Nick has the power to be very inspiring. And yes, the world is Darwinian. However, when I say Darwinian, as humans, we cannot look at only our physical selves in the survival of the fittest. No, we have to also look at emotional and spiritual. So, while nature may have hurt Nick on the onset, and left him with no limbs, he has also been given a super-strong soul, spirit, and psyche. Those things in each of us we cannot see or touch or feel are amped up and functioning at the highest level possible in Nick. In my case, those things just don't function. Again, Darwinian. Survival of the fittest. Nick survives because he's among the fittest mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

    As for what I've overcome and achieved... please... stop with that. I've accomplished the following - been an honest person and never committed a crime, managed to not kill myself for the 30 some years I've felt these feelings and misery, and I've managed to work myself to the point of collapse many many times, given freely of my own time, my own enjoyment, and putting my own needs aside again and again, to make a whole lot of money for some very wealthy men. Wow! Those are indeed some accomplishments to boast about.

    Finally, as for my "tough love" and being my own best friend... well, no I wouldn't easily say those things to anyone. But again, the term is "tough love". Not telling someone what they may want to hear, but what they need to hear. I know where I stand. I know my deficiencies. I know my inferiority. No, those aren't nice things to say. But, they need to be said.
    Remember, the truth shall set you free. I speak the truth. It isn't pretty, it isn't very nice, but it is pure, on target, and most of all, the truth. That truth has me on the path to true peace, and I shall arrive at that destination very soon. Suicide will set me free. The suffering and discontent shall end.
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