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I'm almost done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Azmodius, Jul 15, 2010.

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  1. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm new and on the last string holding me here.
    I've been suffering from severe depression for 15 years, given that I'm only 27 that is practically my entire teenage and adult life. I've always been suicidal, but it has gotten worse of late. I was stopped before carrying out attempts twice in the last few months (being caught before setting things in motion), and I actually feel worse then at either point then.
    I'm struggling, I've already said my goodbyes to my closest (without them really understanding it....I'm subtle), and teetering on the edge.
    Suppose I just wanted to know that anyone understands, feel alone in all things really.
    Sorry, I drone on, sorry.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Firstly hi, you are a similiar age to me and have the thoughts for a similar time. Myself I am only just starting to seek help through the doctors hell it has taken long enough. Like me you need to give yourself a chance to get better and be happy, give yourself time and be gentle on you. Depression is an awful thing to deal with on your own, and I am sorry you have had to. There are plenty of support help here, and links you can start looking at.

    Take Care

  3. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Cheers Rich.

    Thank you for your reply. It's nice to just talk and listen to others in similar positions, makes me feel less aberrant. Just a little tough at the moment. Very much appreciated.
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    :hug: Do not apologize, these are your feelings and you matter, so that makes your words matter. :)
  5. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    Things started to go wrong with me at about the same age. I'm 37 now. I'm also curious, have you tried to talk with your closest about what's going on? I know for some it's hard to talk to those closest to us about these things. For me it's always been harder to talk to strangers like doctors or on here. Yeah, no need to apologize. I tend to ramble myself.
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I, too, have been depressed for as long as I can remember. It makes it difficult, especially when people talk about their childhoods. Sometimes I get jealous - why couldn't I have had one?
  7. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Daphna - thank you for your kind words.

    UnkelHeit -

    It came up a few years back, but repression came in and it was never mentioned again. Most of those friends close to me know I'm depressed, though are in the dark as to its severity. I kind of keep people in the dark so that when it happens they won't blame themselves or believe there was more they could have done.
    A friend of mine killed himself a year ago, he was suffering from amphetamine psychosis and came to me the week before for guidance. I tried to help, he never came back to me. The next week he took a lot of speed and threw himself off a bridge in Birmingham.
    His girlfriend knew he was low, but I was the only one he told (I assume because he knew I am depressed also), I now feel nothing but shame and can't tell anyone what he said to me, because of the guilt.
    I want to save others from this, there is nothing they can do, so I'd rather not burden them. They deserve better then that.

    But I understand your position, must depend on the person or situation. I suppose it's better to talk a lot here than say nothing and suffer in silence.

    Adam -

    I can empathise, people describe their wonderful teenage years, but all I remember was an aching solitude. I made choices after to take drugs and drink to mask it (it didn't!), but my earlier years were wasted in depression.
    A friend of mine has a theory that the ones who are happy all the time are ignorant of the world, they are the unusual ones. Not sure I agree, but wish I could have my time again without the depression.
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Going through those lonely years now. I would definitely like to think that I'm not that unusual (what a horribly selfish thing to say) but people (especially myself) are so good at coping and hiding it.
  9. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    You can't blame yourself for what happened to your friend. You're not a professional trained to deal with these things. I'm sure you did the best you could. They may have already decided to do it regardless of what was said by anybody. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I've lost friends to suicide as well.

    Some families, some cultures just don't talk about certain things. Nobody ever really paid attention to what I said. So, I applaud your effort to come here. Are you seeking any professional help?
  10. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's a horribly selfish thing to say, we all want to feel like what we're feeling isn't strange, wrong or unusual. I can assure you, you're not alone, and whenever you need to talk or just want to vent, feel free to pm me.
    As I've gone on, I've found it harder to hide it all, but I believe it's a common strategy. I envy those who can be all surface!


    It was all sad, I've lost 4 friends in a year, 1 suicide, 1 cancer (at 23!), 1 'sudden death syndrome' (another way of saying 'we don't know') and the worst was one of my closest friends died at 31 of a brain hemorrhage! Kinda been a rough year.
    Yeah, we just don't discuss anything, friends or family. Really strange Yorkshire attitude to stuff!
    Seeking help (for the 5th and final time now!), not going well again, my assessment with the psychiatrist ended with him telling me 'you more than most have to accept the possibility you will never get any better, and might get a lot worse.'
    Err....ok....kind of hoped for the truth, but not brutally! Not sure how much worse it can get, pretty much at breaking point now. Sure if he's right, it'll be something for me to look forward too!
  11. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Glad your here. I am basicly a new member myself and this forum helped me through my latest melt down. Your not alone with your childhood and teenage experiences. Many of us came from a broken or abusive home and lived a life of solitude. I was an only child till I was 13 years old. My dad beat my mom with his hands and anyhting else he could grab. If he didnt commit a murder/suicide, he would be at the top of my bucket list. I have learned that I have to let the demons go. I cant hang on to them any more. As much hate and rage and anger I have, I HAVE to let the hate go. Thats my obstical right now. Learning how to forgive others that I blame for my problems and also learning how to forgive myself...........thats the real hard part. I have lost much. All I really have is my 10 year old son. Everybody else has gone and I am the eldest at 45 and the new begining of my family. I have been through my share of psycs too. They conflict eachother and I felt like all I was to them was their next vacation or new car or a new house. Every time your down, log onto this site. Chat with others and put up posts. When I rage, I dont hold back. I post everything including my harsh words and vulger personality. I have to let it go in one form or another. The folks here dont judge and accept you for how and who you are. You shouldnt hold back either. Let it out. Glad your here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2010
  12. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    They said what? I've heard some bad stories concerning doctors. That's just not right. Unfortunately, the first or second doctor isn't always the right one. I would say that's not typical. That doctor shouldn't be let near anyone with mental illnesses.

    That's a lot of grief. Again I'm sorry. I wish I knew what else to say.
  13. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey Azmodius and welcome to the forum! I'm very sorry to hear about the large amount of deaths that have occured in your life, recently. It must be really hard to be able to cope after all that, especially your friend who commited suicide. I can definitely relate to the whole not telling friends or family how you feel thing. Down here in London I think everyones too busy to have time for feelings and emotions around here. Most people come to London to find success in their careers, so I doubt there is much room for things like doubt, depression or failure. Maybe that's just my weird take on it, though. I sincerely hope that things get better for you soon, if at all possible, and that you don't beat yourself up too much regarding the guilt you feel about your friend. No matter how many times someone says "It wasn't your fault", it usually doesn't make a difference in these kinds of situations. You just have to try and make peace with it and let it go. We've all done things we've regretted and wish we could go back and change things, I think that this is just one of them. Not that I believe it was your fault.. merely that it's something that can't be changed or altered no matter how much you think about it or how much guilt you lay on yourself. You're only serving to make yourself feel worse.

    Stay safe. x
  14. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Cashing_out -

    Thank you, and I'm sorry about the things that have happened in your past. Your right though, I'm glad there's a place I can vent, chat through problems and help others. It's all about your son, if you can do right by him then your life will be the better, and his will be good. Thank you for the welcome.

    UnkelHeit -

    Don't worry about not knowing what to say, nothing surprises me much anymore. He's not the worst one I've had, a mental health nurse once shouted me out of his group session what I disagreed with his assertion I was an arrogant, egocentric little prick....he should have been struck off really!
    Either way, your kind words and support are appreciated more then you realise. Thank you.


    I have a fair few friends in London, so I know what it's like there. Quite a difficult environment there. Sure I'd feel worse if I lived there at the moment. It's an atypical year I suppose.
    The higher functioning part of my mind knows I couldn't have known he'd actually do it, or done more to stop it. It also knows I need to draw a line under it. It's just the emotional part that needs to catch up. But thank you for your support, I'm glad others feel similarly and are so supportive. Thank you!
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Azmodius. I'm sorry to hear that you've lost so many friends in just one year. This has probably been the worst year of your life. I'm not sure why God would take away 4 of your friends like that, but please don't give up hope for your life. You're still here and you can keep the memory of your friends alive by honoring their lives. Keep their memories alive. Don't let the depression overcome your life. :hug:
  16. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    To others, I am the picture of success. Driven, brilliant, confident. They all have no idea who I really am. Sometimes it gets so difficult to hide it all, I just want to scream at them.

    I do wonder though, why we who are so alone do not reflexively come together. You'd think it would be the obvious course of action.
  17. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member


    The thing that strikes me the most is what a good person you are. Offering to help others and trying to help your friend. I think you are a GREAT person.We need people like you here and we would love to be your friends and get to know you. Im am so sorry you are going through so much so young. But you do have many years ahead. Im praying for you and hope you do too. PLEASE STAY. The world needs good people like you,they are rare and a gift. Sending love and hopr.

    Write me if you like,

  18. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the messages, I mean that.

    I have only bad days really, and worse ones. The last few have been the worst I've felt ever.

    Tomorrow I go back to Sheffield for a friends birthday (most of my friends remain there). It will be the last time I see them, I know this now. I'm prepared to say my goodbye without them realising. I want them all to know how much I care for them, and how much I think of them, I can't go until that; I do that tomorrow. After that, I'm done. I cause those around me to suffer, even if they don't fully comprehend it. I can't keep doing this, it's a horrible thing to know for certain that my impact on the world is generally negative, if people become better off in my absence, then I will have made the right decision.

    I'm sorry, you are all exceptional people, caring and loving, accepting and empathetic. If you had been in my life earlier, I may not have ended up here at this point. Be safe, all of you.
  19. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone will become better off without you being in existence. Remember how you felt about your friend dying, and those that got their lives snatched away from them by some disease or another - were you better off without them? If these people are truly your friends and you feel such warmth for them, then why are you prepared to do this to them? What is making you think that you have a negative impact on the world? I think your presence here on SF has certainly been quite a positive one - for the rest of us at least (not trying to sound selfish). You've helped quite a few people so far, and I'd like to think that when you said, "PM me if you need any further help" that you meant it; that you'll still be here for when those people do need you.

    The people here can help you with your problems more than you realise. You don't have to handle things alone, you just have to give them a chance.
  20. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I definitely think your posts have been worth reading. You put thought into them, and I also believe that they are very sincere
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