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I'm almost ready...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by girl_in_limbo, May 11, 2009.

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  1. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    I'm not really sure why I even bother to post here, but I guess sometimes it helps me make sense of my thoughts if I write them down.

    So I just got home from the store. I purchased a few bottles of pills. I would really prefer to have prescription pills, but I cannot afford to see a Dr. to get them(no health insurance). Also the reason I am unable to get any professional help at this time, not that I really believe that anyone could help me. Anyway, I'm sure that what I have will do the trick. I just can't be "here" anymore.

    I'm so empty and alone.

    My thoughts are so scattered, the only thing that I can really focus on is "leaving".

    I have 3 letters to write, one to my husband, one to my daughter and one to my son. Then everything will be ready.

    I can't live like this anymore... I just can't and won't.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you're in a lot of pain. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

    I hope you stay and talk here. You can PM me if you want to. Your kids need you, and so I hope you'll try to hold on and work through what's making you feel this way.
  3. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    I agree with Cherry. Your kids need you. Just read some of the post from children that lost their parents in that way, you can tell by their words, that they are in anguish.
  4. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    My husband knows things aren't good right now. He also knows about my past struggles with suicide/depression. He doesn't know what I have planned though. I could never tell him.

    I love my children more than anything and I also know that they will be hurt by my "leaving", but I feel as though I only hurt them more by being here.

    Life is a lost cause...
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your life isn't a lost cause.

    I've known people who lost a parent to suicide when they were young. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad or guilty or anything; I'm just being honest. The pain and the guilt they feel never goes away. It stays with them through their childhood, on into adulthood.

    Right now, you're still here, and so there's hope that things can get better. But if you're gone, your kids lose that hope. They have to live with the emptiness for the rest of their lives.

    Please, keep talking here, or talk to your husband. Tell someone, let someone be there for you.
  6. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    The sad thing is I have no one to talk to... Well I have one friend that kind of knows whats going on, but I could never let her know how serious it is. If I tell anyone I know they would over react and something bad would come of it. Just a few weeks ago I emailed someone I found via the internet about finding some cheap/free professional help and that resulted in the police showing up at my front door. I cannot have the law involved in my sitaution, because I have an extensive history and have been committ a number of time and I won't allow that to happen again. So here I am alone...
  7. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    If they are your friend they wont over react. And you have a lot of friends here. If you ever need anyone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, Ill be here for you, at least as long as Im around. You can pm me.
  8. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    You need to stay here, for everyone. Dying isn't going to help the situation. It will make it harder. Your kids, parents, husband, friends, family everyone will be so hurt. Your kids will grow up and they are more likely to die from suicide too. Plus you don't want to take pills. I did once and I threw up the whole next day. It's a horrible death. Just stick around, everyone needs you.
  9. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    Things are already very hard, especially for my husband and kids. I have not been a very pleasant person to live with the last few weeks. My parents and siblings don't know what's going on with me right now. If they found out, I'd be in some mental health facility faster that you can blink. They've been through this situation with me way too many times and it would be easier if there were no more "situations" to worry about.

    I've thought much about the affects suicide would have on my kids. I don't want to leave them with the same problems that I have, so I have been thinking about leaving and then doing it. Then I would just be a missing person not a suicide. I could definitely drive deep into the north woods and never be found... easily.

    I'm not scared of taking the pills at all. I've done this same combo twice before and never got sick, but I was found. I was told that I would have died both times if I would have gone untreated for 5 more minutes. From what I remember it was a very surreal and calming experience... It actually makes me very happy to think about it. WOW, that just shows how really messed up I am.

    The clock is ticking...
  10. Blue bell

    Blue bell Active Member

    I am wondering what it is that is actually making you feel like this, i am new to this forum and can only talk about how i know i feel and stuff, but for you to be feeling so low there must be a underlying reason. Maybe i am wrong but if perhaps there is something in your life that triggers these feelings of total despair, would there be anyway that these could be addressed... maybe i am talking rubbish but my heart goes out to you and i feel that its so difficult when we have children and we are wanting to end our life.

    I really do hope that you can find some rest from these feelings for a while and maybe find a good friend who you can share with, i will always try and listen if it would help at all.

    I hope you can manage to stay safe. remember we are all here to support you.

    Blue bell
  11. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    The last 11 years of my life have been a struggle with depression and suicide. There was nothing that triggered the onset of it, it just came on strong and hard. I was hospitalized for the majority of my adolescense. After I turned 19 I started doing better, daily life started getting easier and I was actually feeling happy. I was able to start living a "normal" life again. I got married and had my first child.

    Then about 2 years ago I had another "episode". It was pretty severe and I started cutting. My husband ended up calling my mom, he was scared and knew that she had delt with "me" before. I ended up with a few stiches on my arm and a night in a mental health facility. I checked myself out the next morning. Things were rough for a while, but then I found out I was pregnant again. It was a very emotional pregnancy, but I was so happy that I was pregnant. Nothing else seemed to matter.

    Since my son(who is now 15 months) was born things have been very up and down. I didn't suffer with any postpartum depression, but I just can never seem to be happy for very long. This winter was very hard for me and spring hasn't been any easier. Then to make things go from bad to worse I just recently got busted for drunk driving. Since then things have been terrible.

    I drink a lot more(at home, by myself, no driving), I have stopped talking to my friends. I'm very irritable and I am putting a lot of stress on my husband because he knows that I'm falling fast and he is worried. It hurts me to see what I am doing to him.

    The fact that I have a family makes things so much more difficult. If I were single and childless I wouldn't be writing here today, that's for sure. I love my family to death, but...

    I don't really have anyone to talk to. Because of my extensive history with suicide, anyone I tell would probably over react and I would end up committed or something.

    I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

    I hope everyday that I die in a car accident, then at least my family wouldn't have to live with my suicide.

    I take OTC pills of different sorts everyday hoping that eventually they will kill me.

    I wish I didn't have to take my own life...

    I wish I could just be happy...
  12. Blue bell

    Blue bell Active Member

    i think all i can sujest is to keep talking and letting out how you feel.. having family who are involved isnt always the best answer, so how about coming here and talking to people here as much as you can? see if being understood can help to ease the pain?

    i really do feel for you and would like to offer some friendship to you.

    This place has people who care and will walk beside you and not judge.

    Thinking of you and wanting you to know you are being heard

    Blue bell
  13. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You haven't said what any of your problems are? It's all very vague and general "i'm a bad person" stuff? Classic Depression? Whatever about suicide it's just foolish to end your life without trying at least to look at some of the problems? Have you tried medication for a long time or something?
    If there would be loads of people rushing to help you if they knew your situation, why not confide in one? You don't have to print it in the newspaper. Make us a promise, wait 24 hours, think of telling just one person. X
  14. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    I don't have any problems... well other than my drunk driving. I am living the "american dream", great husband, beautiful, healthy kids, job that I love, great friends,a house and car. I should be completely happy... but I just am not.

    I have no reason to be as depressed as I am, and trust me I wish I wasn't. I was diagonsed with major depression, bipolar and anxiety when I was 15 and have been struggling since.

    I have seen countless therapitsts/phyciartists/phychologists, tried even more medications(all with little result), I've even had ECT. I have had all of my inner thoughts examined inside and out. No one has been able to figure out why I struggle so much. Its not like I haven't tried to kick this evil beast from my head. I haven't seen a professional for about 2 years now and I know I probably should, but I just cannot afford it. I don't have health insurance. I really don't think that anyone is going to tell me something that I haven't already heard.

    I don't want "loads of people rushing to help me". I don't want anyone to have any guilt. I have one friend that has had some tough times in her life, and I have talked to her a little. I know I can confide in her to an extent. I may meet up with her later today, but its really hard for me to tell her the full truth about my situation. Its much easier for me to talk to a stranger about my situation, then there is no emotional connection.

    I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me either. To me this is more like a "matter of fact" situation. It is what it is, and at this point it doesn't seem like anything can change it.
  15. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    You really need to confide in someone, it sounds ver cliched but a problem shared is a problem halved. Most worrying about you as a parent if you were to kill yourself, there is a probability your children could too (i'm not sure what the percentage is). Speaking personally, my 2 children are the reason that I still want to live. :smile:
  16. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You say you haven't the money. A & E will always take someone in despair? I really beg you to speak to a professional or maybe open up to your friend. Totally agree that you should not go around telling everyone your 'problems', but you need to tell someone.

    EVERYTHING eventually changes. Nothing stays the same ever. It's just sometimes it seems to take a long time. So, your life will be different in a day, a week or a year.

    It may sound irrelevant but my experience - I have kids and wife, and was suicidal because I thought it would help them. Just believe me, it won't. It couldn't. A depressed parent is a million times better than no parent.
    Also, you say you don't want people to have guilt, but you have no control over this, they WILL have guilt.

    Go speak to your friend, please. ALL your thoughts I recognise. Please start the fight. Again. And again.
  17. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    I would love to believe that things will change and I did believe that many times. And yes things to get better for me... but only to get worse again. I feel like if I would have been successful in my attempts when I was younger it would have been so much easier. Now everything is so much more complicated. It sucks!

    The hardest part is not knowing why/what causes me to feel the way I do. Its totally random. I have no reason to have faith in my future. The only reason I have "stayed" as long as I have is because of my children. Sometimes I almost feel resentment towards them. It may sound horrible, but I feel like they are holding me here when all I want to do is "leave".

    I'm supposed to meet with my friend tonight, but I don't know if I have the energy. Its so hard to talk face to face. Perhaps if I drink enough wine through the course of the day I will go talk with her. I know that I won't be able to say anything about the bottle that I have been carrying with me though. It scares me to think about telling her. Right now that bottle is my security blanket and to think that someone might want to take it away frightens me.

    I thank all of you for your kind replies, but I feel like you are wasting your energy and time. Life has been very difficult for a very long time and it seems that nothing will ever change that. There are others here that do have a chance at a brighter future and you are wasting your thoughts on me... although I do appreciate it.
  18. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    The fact that you are posting on this forum means you are able and willing to seek help of some sort. Even if you feel like it's futile, you do it? You need to keep doing it. I know it's easier said than done. And lots of people don't ever experience that hopelessness you are experiencing. I feel it too, in my case it's a financial disaster and I do feel it's pointless and meds don't help and the future is black. We need to shoulder so much, when we're in such a desperate state. But you must give yourself your best chance - please try not to take alcohol (sorry that sounds so crass) and remember your children only ever have one mom and no matter what they love her. How can you keep all this in to yourself only? You are stronger than you think. I don't know what else to say, I'm no professional but please keep talking and trying again and again. Take care
  19. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    I'm still here...

    I'm so dissappointed in myself. Last night I had the perfect opportunity to end it all and I didn't. I had gone out for a few drinks with the only friend that really knows anything about what's going on with me and we ended up meeting my husband out. Our kids were at his parents house. My friend took me home around 10:30pm and my husband stayed out.

    After I got dropped off at home I got in my car and drove to a rural park. It was perfect, dark and isolated. I had a six pack, a bottle of pills and my smokes. I sat in my car for quite a while drinking a beer and thinking about what I was about to do. I decided that I would need to have at least one more before I could do it(I had drank quite a bit when we were out at the bars but I just needed a little more).

    Next thing I knew my husband was calling me wondering where I was. Apparently I had passed out in my car. He had gotten home from the bars and didn't know where I was. So then I drove my sorry ass home.

    I don't think I can end it... at least not yet

    I'm so dissappointed, it could be all over.... but its not.
  20. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You make it your business to talk with your friend. You have nothing to lose? How worse can it be? Start talking. Well done. You're here. Keep going and going and change will happen. Take (better) care
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