I'm reaching out here, hoping that someone will be able to empathise without being condescending. I want to die. I'm very lonely and I truly have no one in my corner. I have literally no friends or acquaintances. I'm very isolated. I don't have a job and I haven't worked in over six years. I have a disability pension on account of the mental illness that I've been trying to overcome since my teenage years. I'm in my mid-late twenties now. I don't even have anyone left from school since I was especially sick between twelve and seventeen, so I was isolated and had no friends as an adolescent. My family is messed up, my brother is an alcoholic living in a residential rehab program and I can't call him there, he wont be out until next year. My father doesn't talk to us. My mother is really condescending. I think she resents me for being such a failure even though she left a lot to be desired as a mother. I hate myself. I'm a really bad person. I'm completely dysfunctional and the only value in knowing me is the ability to use me up and I deserve to be used- this is how I feel. I want to be normal. I want a career, friends and the ability to support myself financially. To have agency, to be a strong, self sufficient adult. I just don't know how to do it and I have no self control. I have a decent education, I finished a bachelors degree this year. The problem is that I didn't work or volunteer or intern as a student because I couldn't deal with the stress. Maybe I'm not as smart or as organised as a normal person, all I could find time for was my university work. Even then I only just scraped through and it took me a few years longer than normal. Taking on a job at the time was just not an option, especially since I've had a few really rough patches throughout my 20's were I've attempted suicide, dropped out, stopped getting out of bed and so on. My degree is in English and it was truly a pointless endeavor since I'm unemployable. I didn't think it would end up like this, I didn't realise that not working while doing my degree would leave me unemployable. No one wants to employ someone who spent five years trying to finish a degree in English without even doing an internship or working. I feel so trapped, trapped in the suburbs on a disability pension. I have no drivers license either, never learned to drive a car. I have no support network. I'm a massive loser and I don't know how to change. I want to kill myself. I'm worried that it will come to that soon. This time I'll do it properly. I've had enough lame attempts in my past and I feel that the next one will be the real deal. I'd rather succeed and escape from my present circumstances than die, I just don't know how. I'm not sure that I can, I have no support and I can't support myself properly. I'm scared of myself. I'm worried that it's too late to make my life better. As the years pass I resent my family more and more, become more withdrawn, isolated and aimless and dying just seems like the most sensible idea. To escape from the pain if I can't overcome it.