I'm alone

I'm reaching out here, hoping that someone will be able to empathise without being condescending.

I want to die.

I'm very lonely and I truly have no one in my corner. I have literally no friends or acquaintances. I'm very isolated. I don't have a job and I haven't worked in over six years. I have a disability pension on account of the mental illness that I've been trying to overcome since my teenage years. I'm in my mid-late twenties now. I don't even have anyone left from school since I was especially sick between twelve and seventeen, so I was isolated and had no friends as an adolescent. My family is messed up, my brother is an alcoholic living in a residential rehab program and I can't call him there, he wont be out until next year. My father doesn't talk to us. My mother is really condescending. I think she resents me for being such a failure even though she left a lot to be desired as a mother.

I hate myself. I'm a really bad person. I'm completely dysfunctional and the only value in knowing me is the ability to use me up and I deserve to be used- this is how I feel. I want to be normal. I want a career, friends and the ability to support myself financially. To have agency, to be a strong, self sufficient adult.

I just don't know how to do it and I have no self control. I have a decent education, I finished a bachelors degree this year. The problem is that I didn't work or volunteer or intern as a student because I couldn't deal with the stress. Maybe I'm not as smart or as organised as a normal person, all I could find time for was my university work. Even then I only just scraped through and it took me a few years longer than normal. Taking on a job at the time was just not an option, especially since I've had a few really rough patches throughout my 20's were I've attempted suicide, dropped out, stopped getting out of bed and so on. My degree is in English and it was truly a pointless endeavor since I'm unemployable. I didn't think it would end up like this, I didn't realise that not working while doing my degree would leave me unemployable. No one wants to employ someone who spent five years trying to finish a degree in English without even doing an internship or working.

I feel so trapped, trapped in the suburbs on a disability pension. I have no drivers license either, never learned to drive a car. I have no support network. I'm a massive loser and I don't know how to change. I want to kill myself. I'm worried that it will come to that soon. This time I'll do it properly. I've had enough lame attempts in my past and I feel that the next one will be the real deal. I'd rather succeed and escape from my present circumstances than die, I just don't know how. I'm not sure that I can, I have no support and I can't support myself properly. I'm scared of myself. I'm worried that it's too late to make my life better. As the years pass I resent my family more and more, become more withdrawn, isolated and aimless and dying just seems like the most sensible idea. To escape from the pain if I can't overcome it.

 

You're welcome here. I can't claim to completely know the same pain you do, but I have dealt with a lot of pain, enough so that I did try suicide a few weeks ago. I found this place and found some support here, I think no matter whet you've experienced, someone here has probably been there, too.

In a way, I'm alone too, so I'm glad you're here.

 

Hi Cooper,

I feel I understand what you are going through as I have a fairly similar situation myself. I am 34, have a family who haven't wanted anything to do with me since I was 17 and as I have become more withdrawn over the years I have drifted away from my friends so never really speak to anyone and feel completely isolated. I wonder though, why do you seem to blame yourself so much? Calling yourself a "loser" etc... You have done brilliantly considering the mental health issues you are facing and is it really your fault that you dont get along so great with your family?? I have similar problems with mine and blame them completely.

Do you currently see any psychiatric professionals or take any medication?? It sounds like you actually have a great deal going for you if you can only get the help you need, I know its easier said than done but its worth trying everything before giving up on life completely.

 

Hi AC
I wrote you quite a long message, then when I went to send it, I had been logged out of SF. Raging. LOL. The long and short of it was that I can relate to what youre going through, I suffer from debilitating anxiety and although I work, I am only barely functioning there and I think I am going to get the chop soon. I struggled with my degree too, took five years to do a three year one, wouldve dropped out but couldn't justify the money it cost me. anyway enough about me, I'm afraid of getting logged out again,PM me anytime hugs DEEx