I'm already dead :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brokengirl123, Mar 31, 2012.

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  1. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    I am so trapped I don't know what to do.

    I just talked to my fiance about how I was feeling (he asked) I said everything is still the same. The ringing in my ears is driving me overboard and I would do anything anything to hear silence again. I said how I hate that the nights are getting lighter til later as that means spring is here and summer is coming and I have to stay indoors or be surrounded by people living a life I can not anymore. And I am dreading the heat.

    I said I don't want to cause anyone pain by ending my life. I truly don't. But I need to get out of here I need relief even though it is a relief I wont physically feel it is an end to this. I told him I only wish I could die naturally and very soon. He didn't say anything he just got up and walked away. I cried a bit. Then I had to stop myself so it doesn't worsen my tinnitus. Pathetic. Not allowed to cry.

    I love helping people and giving them advice and help to improve their lives and problems. But truth is, I'm a helpless case because I am restricted from almost everything so people get exasperated with me and then they get so frustrated they just give up. It is not my fault though, I don't want to be this way. I didn't mean for this to happen. I DO want to live life I just can't live it like this.

    I can't go to nightclubs, cinema or concerts because of tinnitus/hyperacusis. I can't go outdoors when the sun is out or even in shade if it is hot. Even the sun through a windscreen of the car affects me after a while. To sum up this pretty much cuts out most activities between march and september and it makes me feel bitter and jealous and completely devastated to miss out on all this life.

    I can't do much exercise other than gentle walking now. I can't even be around people now especially in the conditions mentioned above, it is too embarressing now for me.

    I hate shopping. I hate even being at home with my own body because I can't get away from all the stuff wrong with me I can't get away from the ringing I am sick of using machines, and background noise I want a quiet nights sleep, I hate bed and sleeping, I hate daytime and light and sun. Getting dressed is a nightmare now, it is not fun. It is just what covers up the most whilst keeping me at the right temperature and still attempting to look a like a normal, pretty 26 yr old girl. I hate that I can not even feel comfortable with my own hands and feet now.

    I hate seeing people doing normal things and living lives I can not any more. For me my depression was not just there, it is a symptom of all my other problems. But my mum doesn't get this. 'You'll be fine. You just need to speak to someone. In a couple of months you will feel differently.'

    I have gone on the sick from my job and have no intention of going back because being in that environment with those people (nasty) under that lighting with people commenting on me and my lifestyle and not understanding me. I finally got a job with a decent title but going back WILL make me think irrational again around that girl and I will do something terrible.

    This isn;t me this isn;t who I am. I have lost my old self, my old body who I was. There is too much to hide, too much I can not do now, too much stuff that is broken. Tinnitus alone makes people suicidal. I have all this other stuff too. How do my family expect me to NOT want to kill myself? I love them but I can not do this anymore. My heart has been funny again lately which I put down to abusing ephedra and sleep pills and I just hope to God I have a heart attack soon so that at least they don't have to go through suicide again. I know the grief it causes. So why would I do it?? Because all of this is TOO MUCH and it is not a life I am dead already I am just still breathing and sleeping and eating and that is IT. I need quiet. I don;'t even care about my past or my debt or the fact I am still living at home and haven't got my drivers licence yet. All that is crap that can be changed so I used to dwell on it but I don't anymore. I just want a quiet nights sleep and to lay on a beach maybe even in Spain, and to go to work and just feel normal around people. I'll go back to just dealing with severe acne and scars that is fine I will go back to that. I was depressed but I managed to get through each with something to look forward to in life. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't think I can have kids and even if I did they would come out deformed anyway probably because of the accutane. It has changed my body.

    I am not living a life. I need to get out of here.

    I know you guys are all so sweet and kind and helpfull. I am just sorry I am so fucked up that none of you can help me improve my life, but knowing you are here is something.

    Life is ruined. I will miss being with my fiance and knowing he will find someone else but at least I will not have to suffer. I don;t know about my mum it doesn;t bear thinking about it but I can't continue this way my ears alone are driving me insane. And I will never have a normal life and do normal things. MOst people think they aren;t normal, but there are very few who are actually abnormal. There is always something they can do, some hope. I can;t do anything it is pathetic and unheard of I am a freak. I have no saving graces. I am dead already. :-(
  2. Paul.

    Paul. Member

    Hi Brokengirl,

    Your body is just one part of your multi-dimensional self. There are many other aspects of yourself which you can explore, enjoy and find peace, fulfilment and love within.

    Chin up, soldier.
  3. ChessChrist

    ChessChrist New Member

    I have pulsatile tinnitus and have found that BZD works really well for it. Have you tried it or any other drugs before? I know precisely how infuriating the condition is, and I hope I'm not prying with that question.

    I also hope I'm not prying if I ask what you mean when you say that you lost your old body.
  4. TigersMomJ

    TigersMomJ Active Member

    Don't give up yet sweetheart. I'm so so sorry you are trapped in hell. I can't imagine going through each day, unable to get any relief from the noise. I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed when I was 26 and the surgeon severed the nerve in my lower jaw. I have something called parasthesia that has lasted 6 years now. It is nothing close to what you're going through but I do know what it's like to have something wrong with your head that there is no cure for. Although nobody would ever know unless I told them, the lower left side of my jaw is half numb but always tingly and painful. Like when your novacaine from the dentist is wearing off. My lower lip feels puffy even though it's not and my face on that side is extremely sensitive to heat and cold. I was so angry for the first year. I felt so helpless and the constant irritation of it was driving me insane. People expressed sympathy but nobody really knows the torture something like that is when they've only experienced it for an hour at the most, not years. I wish I could help you. I wish I could provide some relief. All I can do is be here, through a computer, whenever you need to talk. Your story has really touched me and I hope that you can hold on. Try anything and everything that people suggest. I know when something has gotten us so down, it becomes hard to even try anymore but you never know when you might happen across something that actually helps. My dad has tinnitus periodically and I will ask him what he does. I know there is no "cure" yet, but please don't give up. <3
  5. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    Please don't give up your fiance would be crushed. I don't have anyone in my life that loves me but you do!!!! Don't throw that away I'm sure he feels its his fault that he can't be a better fiance. Just remember there are people that care about you don't give up!!! I know things can't be easy with those problems but take one day at a time. I care too I really hope everything will get better for you and I'm sure it will just keep trying to focus on the people that love you and things that make you happy.
  6. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    I guess since my ears got so much louder I find it hard to do anything, I can not concentrate anymore and have a short attention span, my mum thinks I'm starting to get something akkin to dementia as I forget things and conversations we had a day previous. I am even noticing I am forgetting words and how to spell them (I have English degree and was a top speller) and I keep typing the wrong word like I will put take instead of talk. I think that is just because this ringing is so loud now I can not think straight. Chesschrist I have never been offered anything by my doctor they don't care about much of my problems and don't want to help me they just see I am depressed and want to give me anti-d's and tell me things do get brighter and I have to focus on getting my depression better. But my depression is a side effect of my problems so this will not help. ANd they give me drugs that make the head pressure and ringin even worse so when I refuse to take them out of fear of doing more damage (that will make me more suicidal) they say I am refusing treatment and prolonging my road to recovery. I do not rely on doctors I have zero faith in them and Ive had lots now and recently changed practices again to find new ones.

    Sadguy I know you are right. I know that the right thing to do is keep alive, keep going through the suffering and the humilation and the physical pain and keep the longing to die to myelf, I know the right thing to do is to endure this every second and every hour of the day for the rest of my life so they can remain happy and have good lives. I have to learn to keep it all to myself too so I do not burden them constantly. My fiance is getting sick of me, since things deteriorated the past couple of months I asked if all this was too much. He said not yet. Meaning it will be one day. He wants me to keep strong and positive and if I don't it is a sign of giving up and if I give up that is when he will give up. Giving up to me is dying. To me giving up is not having an emotional breakdown. I can't help it if I feel down and quiet and I am not as lively. But that brings him down and he is starting to resent me for it. SO I am doing my best to hold it inside. Then when I do they all think I am magically better and life is normal again. Life will never be normal for me again I can't do anything hardly.

    Everytime we get an invite to go to a bbq in summer, or go to the cinema or have a night out I have to say no and he hates it, he hates that I am stopping his fun or never joining in. It frustrates and annoys him. I WANT to do all these things, I didn't ask to be this way!!! He thinks I am being lazy when I do not want to move much because I always used to be an overactive person. But the pain in my knees, elbows, hips, shoulder, back, ovaries - you name it - it means I don't feel like moving about much, it hurts! And how can I be happy all the time whenever I see people outdoors doing normal things, and when I see him staring at pretty girls with their normal bodies on show. I am not vain or looking for perfection I just want to be a normal colour. I don't want to hide my hands and arms all the time. This isn't a vanity thing I don't just think I am not as good as everyone else and want to be like a celebrity or anything superficial. I just don't want to be looked at oddly or commented on. It was hard enough dealing with my acne/scars. I thought that was my 'thing', the 'thing' I had to deal with in life in terms of superficial stuff. That was hard enough. I wish it was something more normal like something I could fix eg a boob job or nose job. How can you fix flushing red/purple skin? I've looked into everything. I can't change it. Only live with it. ALongside everything else.

    He tries to be understanding but he is a normal 27yr old guy who wants to live how most 27yr olds do and I am holding him back in life now and he knows it and it frustrates him. He doesn't see that I am even MORE frustrated because I was a semi normal girl too and I want my life back and I want to do all those normal things like walk around town on a hot day and eat whatever I want without worrying about my stomach, and go to the gym and go to the cinema or on a beach holiday. I can not accept my life now and the burden I am placing on other people. And the humiliation from the rest of our famililes who do not understand my problems or believe them (because they can't see or feel them and they don't have to live this way) it is awkward and embarressing. Sometimes it even hurts to kiss him because my lips still peel and sometimes bleed. Even sex can be painful and that is about the only thing I enjoyn life now besides reading.

    This just isn't me anymore. I am ruining his life. If my mum goes first I will join her straightaway that would be the most ideal situation. I will keep L in my heart forever but he deserves a life. If he did leave me first though I would die anyway.

    Thank you Paul and thank you TigersmomJ. That is just awful what has happened to you and I am so sorry, it is unjust. I hope you got some kind of compensation which I know doesnt take the torture away but at least it will help in others. You are so caring and did not deserve that to happen. I wil try anything and I would appreciate hearing any advice from your dad. You're a great person and I thank you for listening to me and responding. I'm sorry I can not be helped much. I do think of others and what they go through and I seek inspiration from people. I value my eyesight and only pray my hearing doesn't go next, I value that I can walk around the house at all. But I still don't feel like this is a way to live. All I ever hoped for when I was young was to have a family. Now I can't even do that. IN our financial predicament we would never adopt and with my documented depression/suicidal ideas that would never happen. I am not a fit person to be a mother anyway. There really is nothing left. I will do some more good on this earth before I leave it. And I will donate my organs except my liver which is ruined. I wish I could go naturally there must be a way before it comes to suicide, there must be I just have to think harder today . Thank you again for listening. It means so much.xxx
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for you..
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