I'm an Anxious Freak

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 30, 2015.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My anxiety got out of hand yesterday. I haven't really left the house for a week, after a bad self harming session last Sunday... in the week I showed up for an 'introduction the therapy' meeting heavily hungover Monday, and Thursday I managed to do some mandatory grocery shopping...

    My best friend had her Birthday party, and it was a 2,5 hour bus ride with two buses to get there too.
    I tried to distract myself by listening to music (only in one ear so I can still hear if something happens) ... music is my comforter, I always have two extra MP3 players in my purse in case my phone is running low on battery and 3 extra earphones...

    Despite that I felt very anxious and jumpy.

    On the bus I almost screamed bloody murder when a man (apparently thinking he was cool) slammed his hand into the 'stop' button on the pole by my side... I saw his hand come towards me and heard it hit the metal and I thought my life was over.

    At the party there's a big guy (I don't mean fat) he's the type grown men are scared to offend. I know him, and he's a gentle giant (if you don't touch his food)... but I'm scared of him too. He likes to poke and tickle me and I don't know how to explain to him that I'm so scared of touch. He doesn't mean anything by it, but... I just want to scream and run away when he walks up behind me and pokes me in the side. Or when he grabs me to use me to explain to someone how he did during a torture scene while LARPing
    I think his size is part of why I don't defend myself. I wouldn't stand a chance despite being far from petite myself...

    I left the party early because I had to catch a train, and due to my chronic back and hip pain can't stay and sleep (also I have this fear that I'll wake up from a PTSD nightmare).
    It being in the country it was very dark and I had to walk along the road; my aunt was picking me up and driving me to the station. I was jumping at every shadow but I didn't want to turn on the flashlight on my phone because that would only draw more attention to myself.
    In the darkness I couldn't see if it really was my aunts car stopping and my heart was in my throat as I opened the door. Luckily, and of course it was my aunt.

    Getting off at the train station here some drunk guys were yelling at each other and I got scared again...

    Coming home I wanted to turn on my TV, I have trouble sleeping unless it's turned on. I need the lights and sounds (I'm so scared of silence for several reasons... silence makes my thoughts louder, and for a while as a kid due to an ear infection I was deaf for a few days and I think I'm scared it'll come back). My TV has been acting up for a while and tonight I just couldn't make it work.

    I finally got Netflix to work on my laptop and found a nature documentary voiced by my favourite actor, after spending 3 hours past midnight trying to fix the TV. It still doesn't seem to work.


    I'm different... and sometimes that actually suits me just fine...

    The Birthday party was pretty fun, my friend is a goth and her group of friends all sorts of people... mostly geeks and or LARPers.

    I am a geek... but I often feel I am not geeky enough. I don't play video games, I don't read manga, I have never tried LARPing. But I love hearing about it... for some reason hearing real geeks talk about their passions have a soothing effect on me.
    But at the same time I just can't help feeling like I'm not good enough. I geek out about Doctor Who, Sherlock, Hunger Games, Shakespeare, science and knowledge...

    I managed to socialize today, actually coming with some interesting points during some in-depth discussions.

    I just felt so out of place... I really tried to appear 'normal', funny and social... despite being in a lot of pain and my fear of touch I several times took part in a form of outdoor improvised Twister like game...

    But I always have that fear that I will be 'found out' ... that I'm not as good as them.

    With 'normal' people at least I know I am different... and that most of them don't understand or respect me because of it.
    While I'm not as 'punky' as I was in high school and college I tend to wear what I like rather than what is fashionable.

    Today I guess I looked pretty normal in a long black dress, despite my Hello Kitty bag and Hello Kitty bandaids... some girls crossing my way early in the day started laughing their heads off as soon as they had passed me. I don't know if it was about me or not, but my head likes to think it was...

    I've been bullied most of my life... about my weight and body, the fact that I had to wear the same shirt twice in a week (despite it having been washed in the meantime) because mum couldn't afford to buy clothes.
    I've several times had drunk dudes throw bottles after me or call me rude names from cars since my teens and that still happens sometimes. (apparently having big hips and chest makes me a wh*re)... those shapes, ugh. I'm sick of it.

    For some reason the second a man has alcohol in their blood it makes me 'fair game' for both ridicule and for touch. *gags*
    3 people like this.
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    We are stupid when we are drunk. And somehow we crave for contacts and think the ladies feel the same way.

    I work very hard to never do that myself because i heard my mom and friends complain about it and describe how they felt. You are not alone.

    I'm also a bad geeks lol. don't worry about it.

    Try to work on not bothering with what others think. It really does' nt mather.

    Good luck with the anxiety. It's not fun, it's something a lot of us here endure.

  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Okay - several things to address here I guess so bear with me. Firstly - you're not a freak. I am sorry that you suffer from anxiety; I know from experience that anxiety really sucks but on the plus side, it doesn't sound like you get full blown panic attacks from social interaction so you are doing well - you just need to try to believe that for yourself.

    With regard to the 'big guy' - you said yourself he is a gentle giant and the thing is, if you don't tell people they don't know. That applies to so many things in life and if you have never told this guy not to touch you and he's always done it, he has no reason to think that you are not okay with it. I know it is easier said than done, but asserting yourself and taking control will help with your anxiety, and you know rationally that this guy isn't going to be someone you have to defend yourself from. Simply say "I am suffering from some really bad anxiety and it isn't personal, but people touching me really freaks me out so please can you not?" - say it with a smile - make it clear you're not sniping at him. A moment of awkward is worth it to fix the persistent discomfort.

    As for fitting in - if people choose to talk to you, try to give them enough credit/respect to believe that they find you interesting and know their own minds and who they want to spend their time with. I think I understand that you feel like these people are basically misfits and it upsets you that you don't 'even' fit in with the people who don't fit in. I think it is wrong to assume that everyone is judging by our own standards. People who are totally happy to 'not fit in' and choose to dress and act accordingly, are likely not thinking as much as you are about whether or not people fit in. I know its hard to get out of your own head but the negative self talk is incredibly bad for you. Its impossible to stop fleeting thoughts but it is completely possible to choose to think or not think about certain things - not to dwell on them - so practice thinking good things about yourself (and I am sure there are plenty).

    I am sorry that you feel like a freak - I hate the word freak. But it basically just means out of the ordinary - and you are choosing to spend your time with these "out of the ordinary" people - so clearly its really not a bad thing to be.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much for the replies, both of you!

    Freya you're right I'm lucky I don't get full-blown panic attacks, I usually 'save' those for when I'm alone and start to think too much... either before going out or after when I think about all the stuff that happened and get overwhelmed.

    The thing about the 'big guy' is that when ever we're together he's usually getting drunk, and even if I did get to talk to him before he started drinking I think it would all leave his brain as soon as he got drunk.
    And my past experiences with every man in my life (before my current boyfriend) have been less than positive and taught me that 'resistance only makes it worse'... If he got angry I'd be toast.

    My confidence is shattered... I always doubt why people would ever like me. It's something I need to work on.
    In the geek world there is a lot of snobbery though, obviously being different yourself you're more accepting of other people who are different. But a lot only accept people being different in a certain frame...
    In high school I had my own style, mixing punk with goth and the 'real' punks hated me. Being a female geek is notoriously difficult. The guys naturally assumes you're faking it... 'Mean Girls' has nothing on this world. hah.