I want to die today. It seems like I wake up wishing I was dead everyday. I used to only feel suicidal when my period was approaching and during it. Now that is no longer the case. Even after im done with my period (and nowhere close to the next one) I want myself dead. This has been going on for several months now. I now find myself angry, lost, confused, self-loathing, and sad for no reason. No matter what emotion I feel it always ends up me becoming suicidal. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My family? They think anybody who has mental issues of any kind need to be locked in a mental hospital where noone visits them. I've seen my brother get locked away before just for being mentally retarded. You know? The thing you are born with and you can't control it no matter how hard you try? One of my other brothers almost got locked up just for being antisocial. you know? When you feel so alienated and insecure that you decide its for the best that you don't talk? Yeah, he ran away from home at a young age to escape from my horrible family. My friends? No. they think its just a phase. Something to make fun of. Suicide is just something you feel but you'll get over it. They always say im here for you but end up saying oh you need help. you got problems. Well no shit but I can't afford a doctor. And I don't want to be force-fed pills. Plus with meducine you have to eat but if I eat ill gain weight. Im only eating one meal a day so that I can lose weight. My boyfriend is okay with me dieting although I hate how he told me its because thats what girls do. He has told me that he wants me to be girly... I think im girly. I just like to be rough sometimes. Whats wrong with.being tough, strong, and indepenant? I hate being weak so I do my best to be strong. And that makes me not a girl? At least to him. I've been crying this whole time and now I feel tired. Im just gonna try and get some sleep now. I probably won't sleep knowing me. I'm always staying up late and wake up early.