Im an attention *****. Pretend to love me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angelicgoddessofdeath, Oct 9, 2013.

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  1. angelicgoddessofdeath

    angelicgoddessofdeath Active Member

    I want to die today. It seems like I wake up wishing I was dead everyday.
    I used to only feel suicidal when my period was approaching and during it. Now that is no longer the case. Even after im done with my period (and nowhere close to the next one) I want myself dead. This has been going on for several months now.
    I now find myself angry, lost, confused, self-loathing, and sad for no reason. No matter what emotion I feel it always ends up me becoming suicidal.
    I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My family? They think anybody who has mental issues of any kind need to be locked in a mental hospital where noone visits them. I've seen my brother get locked away before just for being mentally retarded. You know? The thing you are born with and you can't control it no matter how hard you try? One of my other brothers almost got locked up just for being antisocial. you know? When you feel so alienated and insecure that you decide its for the best that you don't talk? Yeah, he ran away from home at a young age to escape from my horrible family.
    My friends? No. they think its just a phase. Something to make fun of. Suicide is just something you feel but you'll get over it. They always say im here for you but end up saying oh you need help. you got problems. Well no shit but I can't afford a doctor. And I don't want to be force-fed pills. Plus with meducine you have to eat but if I eat ill gain weight.
    Im only eating one meal a day so that I can lose weight. My boyfriend is okay with me dieting although I hate how he told me its because thats what girls do. He has told me that he wants me to be girly... I think im girly. I just like to be rough sometimes. Whats wrong with.being tough, strong, and indepenant? I hate being weak so I do my best to be strong. And that makes me not a girl? At least to him.
    I've been crying this whole time and now I feel tired. Im just gonna try and get some sleep now. I probably won't sleep knowing me. I'm always staying up late and wake up early.
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    If you consider yourself as attention seeker, then all of us are attention seeker. It's not like we want to be an attention seeker, but we really do need attention because we have that weight on our back. Right?

    and I'm sorry about your family, could not help about that. It's sucks when people do that to you, they think they know but they don't. You need to take meds tho, I do take meds myself because when it gets too overwhelming, it's not the feeling I want. I prefer to be numb like now. Indeed it is not a permanent solution, but it won't be forever right?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Okay, sure...I love you. There, did it make it all better? Did your world stop spinning and reverse to the other direction? Or did nothing happen? All the members here can love you to pieces. But it won't stop the real problems and so then nothing will change or get better. You need to get professional help. A therapist or a pdoc or a counselor. Try joining a support group. All those things can be found for free. Check your local health clinic or go on line and research where such services are available near you. Go to the local hospital and ask what is available and where. Too many free services available today to use that as a reason why you can't get better. Look here, the site is free and you're using it to try and find some answers and some help. Be proud of yourself for that! Now take that same caring attitude about yourself and check into some of the other things and places. Being here can help. But you need to get help IRL too.

    And start liking yourself. When you can do that, you won't need the attention of others to tell you that you are loved and needed. You'll already know it.
  4. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    This sounds like me. There's nothing wrong about being tough independent and strong. Do your thing. My bf use to think it was not qualities for a girl but I never let it go, now it's a good thing. Some guys need to get around the fact that some girls girly or not will be like this. If you hold on to those qualities some things will look better.

    And friends and family sometimes don't understand cause they don't know what or how to deal with these types of things. I'm sorry your familiy and friends don't get it. I personally don't tell anyone. It's not the best thing but it saves me from the extra stuff. I care and think I understand where your coming from, but stay strong and you'll end up caring for yourself and what others think can become less and less important.
    You can message me if you want
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