I'm An Odd One

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by DLBach, May 19, 2014.

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  1. DLBach

    DLBach Well-Known Member

    My self harm is not in the physical sense of cutting, burning, etc. However, it is just as harmful to me. Taking notes with regard to my illness (Bi-Lateral Meniere's Disease) on a daily basis, I have noted that when I am on the cusp of a bout, my thoughts are self-deprecating, very ugly, and very hateful. As a writer, I have used my words to hurt myself and learned how to do this because I generally echo the words my mother used toward me as a child.

    In December, trying to keep from destroying myself with my words I focused consciously and made it through the bout. However, after the bout (the vertigo lasts 48 hours and then residual and side effects up to a week after that) I usually have the thoughts again and in a weakened state I needed to lash out at myself.

    Since I don't have my health any longer (something I prided myself in most of my adult life), I try to take some pride in my general appearance. I love my (or should I say loved) shoulder-length, naturally curly red hair and my nails I try to manicure myself weekly. In December coming out of the bout when I was finally able to take a shower, I got out and pulled my hair up into a high pony on top of my head. I then took the scissor and cut below the band. After I dressed, I went to the front room and took my nail clips and cut all my nails to the quick (not so close to cause bleeding). In one short session, my hair and my nails were gone.

    Nails have returned, but with things happening right now I am tempted to actually shave my head as my hair still has not grown enough to form a pony at the top of my head. There is no one here to stop me, except me. And I have no fight left in me.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i remember doing similar things at one point, making things that i liked not so attractive. they say it's not self harm 'cause it's not life threatening
    they couldn't be more wrong

    but you loved those things, let them come back and raise you, resist that urge and have that reward. stay safe
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too hope you can be more kind to you ok i know it is hard but when urge comes to the opposite of the harm you are thinking about doing hugs
  4. DLBach

    DLBach Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your kind words. At the moment, my hair and nails are safe.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Debbie, pleased to meet you, and - oh, those tapes we play in our heads "echoes from our mother" - like it's our mother tongue or something, but it's formed a lot of what/who we think we are, our identity.... and we need to break free from these tapes to become our own person. Been through similar, and know that it's possible to heal with support and encouragement and insight as to better truth to tell ourselves.

    Cutting off the hair and the nails I reckon is probably related to the journey, in that it's your body's (unconscious?) appeal for attention to be given to the challenge of destroying those tapes - just my thoughts, cos I've lived similar battles :)
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