My self harm is not in the physical sense of cutting, burning, etc. However, it is just as harmful to me. Taking notes with regard to my illness (Bi-Lateral Meniere's Disease) on a daily basis, I have noted that when I am on the cusp of a bout, my thoughts are self-deprecating, very ugly, and very hateful. As a writer, I have used my words to hurt myself and learned how to do this because I generally echo the words my mother used toward me as a child. In December, trying to keep from destroying myself with my words I focused consciously and made it through the bout. However, after the bout (the vertigo lasts 48 hours and then residual and side effects up to a week after that) I usually have the thoughts again and in a weakened state I needed to lash out at myself. Since I don't have my health any longer (something I prided myself in most of my adult life), I try to take some pride in my general appearance. I love my (or should I say loved) shoulder-length, naturally curly red hair and my nails I try to manicure myself weekly. In December coming out of the bout when I was finally able to take a shower, I got out and pulled my hair up into a high pony on top of my head. I then took the scissor and cut below the band. After I dressed, I went to the front room and took my nail clips and cut all my nails to the quick (not so close to cause bleeding). In one short session, my hair and my nails were gone. Nails have returned, but with things happening right now I am tempted to actually shave my head as my hair still has not grown enough to form a pony at the top of my head. There is no one here to stop me, except me. And I have no fight left in me.