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I'm an only son and suicidal but my parents think I'm happy

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by monte, Apr 4, 2012.

  1. monte

    monte New Member

    I made this post in the loved ones forum because I really want to talk to "parents" of loved ones who have passed away from suicide... I attempted once several years ago. Survived and saw the kind of damage it did to my mom and dad, but especially my mom. She was devastated and said she would have followed me had I not survived. It woke me up and made me try really hard to get through the days for her sake. I moved away to another country after finishing up high school so she sees me only once a year when I visit. But the tales I tell her, the way I talk to her, everything I do is to fool her in to thinking that I'm happy. Same with my father. It tears me up inside when they say things like how proud they are of me, how much I've changed and accomplished and that they're so happy that I've found my way after all the dark years that I had growing up. I want to just SCREAM at them and tell them that its all just been one big lie and that I absolutely hate my life. But I love them too much for that and keep the lie going. I'm home bound. I have only one friend who is now only an online friend (we moved away years ago). She matters very very much to me though and she knows that I'm suicidal and wants to help me but she cannot. I have been cripplingly depressed since a young age. I've been largely home bound since my mid teens. I built my own business from scratch online to support myself and I also support my parents financially. The only thing that keeps the hours ticking by every day is working. I work morning to night. Sleep. Repeat. I call my mom all the time because it keeps me grounded to stay alive until she dies. Truth is I know I will someday die of suicide -I've known this since I was 6-8 and it runs in the family. But I want to live long enough for my parents to pass on happy and content that their only son is happy and stands on his own two feet. To pass on in peace. I have no religion so I don't believe in them realizing the truth afterwards. But that will be another 10, maybe 20 years of life. And every day for me is a struggle. Every single day I have wanted to die. I have not had a single moment of joy in so many years. I'm just living for my parents so that once they go I can go too.

    But it's so hard and I don't know if I can manage it for another 10-20 years. I don't even know how I'll manage 5... I've been thinking a lot of passing away from a fake accident or going on a trip and "disappearing" somewhere with no ID. So that I do not have to break my parents heart with the truth. So that they can remember me with pride and in peace knowing that I died at my peak, happy and content. Though I love them I also resent them for making me live. I'm so young yet my youth is slipping, if it hasn't already completely slipped by.

    But I really don't want to do any of that. My parents rely on me for financial support. For emotional support. My mother only has me in her life.

    I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this board...I guess just encouragement from other parents for me to pull through longer until my parents are alive. Encouragement that though I'm unhappy that I really do matter to my parents and that I am making them happy in THEIR lives even if it's through lies -that's all that matters to me is for them to be happy. I had a difficult childhood and they, especially my mother had a very difficult life. I want their silver years to be at peace, but I'm having a very very difficult time coping to survive and keep living this lie.

    As a parent please give me some guidance. I cannot tell my own what I feel or want to do but I wish I could speak them so much.

    I apologize if anyone is offended that I made this post in the love ones section. I know people are grieving here and I'm sorry for your loss.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have not offended anyone hun i think your parents would want YOU to go get help you need to stop feeling so down. They don't need you to pretend to be well hun they need you to be truly happy. With therapy and or meds you can feel that happiness I am a parent whose daugther almost committed suicide twice and i have and will do anything to bring her to a mental healthy state. Your parents would help you hun to get well you do not have to wear a mask for them hugs
  3. emma73

    emma73 New Member

    You dear dear soul.
    Take it from me, you're parents would be proud of you no matter what.
    If you were my child and I saw this email, I would be proud of you for the strength you have shown just to get through each day.
    Your parents would WANT to help you, more than you can ever imagine and they would be devastated to know that you felt that you couldn't go to them.
    You are stronger than you know, you're still here aren't you and that shows great courage.
    It is hard to be alone, one friend or 100 friends would make no difference at this point in time, lonliness is lonliness.
    Please see your GP, be honest with him and get the help you need and deserve.
    You deserve to be happy, it's not a big ask, and it can be done, I know it seems like an impossibility to you, you can't see through the pain.
    You are clearly a very caring person, perhaps you should show yourself some of that care.
    Your parents love you above all else, if your mum knew the truth she would rush to your side, she would want you to tell her, you MUST reach out.
    There is no greater pain than losing someone to suicide and asking "Why didn't they tell me, why didn't they ask me for help?" It is the most horrific feeling in the world.
    Please tell them, and if that really is impossible for you, please, please ask for help, if you've been down that road before and it didn't work, please try again, your life is so precious.
    Just take little steps.
  4. monkeybutler

    monkeybutler New Member

    I feel like I'm in a unique position here in that I both know the pain of having someone I loved kill themself and also know the pain of having attempted to kill myself.

    10 years ago now my best mate hung himself. We were only 22 and I was so devastated I can't explain, coz I didn't even know he was unhappy. Please tell someone you can confide in how you feel. I've seen the devastation suicide can cause. I've watched his mother disintegrate as a human, her life died the day he did. Please don't do that to your own mother.

    Having said that, I think the lasting effect of that, plus my own bad experiences, caused me to try to take my own life at one of my lowest ebbs, which I may one day share on this forum. The thing that turned me around at that time was that I saw the effect it had on my family. THey were completely destroyed. I rebuilt my life for them. Please think of the carnage suicide leaves. It's not just yourself you hurt. It's tough, I know it's the hardest thing ever. But talk to someone please.