I made this post in the loved ones forum because I really want to talk to "parents" of loved ones who have passed away from suicide... I attempted once several years ago. Survived and saw the kind of damage it did to my mom and dad, but especially my mom. She was devastated and said she would have followed me had I not survived. It woke me up and made me try really hard to get through the days for her sake. I moved away to another country after finishing up high school so she sees me only once a year when I visit. But the tales I tell her, the way I talk to her, everything I do is to fool her in to thinking that I'm happy. Same with my father. It tears me up inside when they say things like how proud they are of me, how much I've changed and accomplished and that they're so happy that I've found my way after all the dark years that I had growing up. I want to just SCREAM at them and tell them that its all just been one big lie and that I absolutely hate my life. But I love them too much for that and keep the lie going. I'm home bound. I have only one friend who is now only an online friend (we moved away years ago). She matters very very much to me though and she knows that I'm suicidal and wants to help me but she cannot. I have been cripplingly depressed since a young age. I've been largely home bound since my mid teens. I built my own business from scratch online to support myself and I also support my parents financially. The only thing that keeps the hours ticking by every day is working. I work morning to night. Sleep. Repeat. I call my mom all the time because it keeps me grounded to stay alive until she dies. Truth is I know I will someday die of suicide -I've known this since I was 6-8 and it runs in the family. But I want to live long enough for my parents to pass on happy and content that their only son is happy and stands on his own two feet. To pass on in peace. I have no religion so I don't believe in them realizing the truth afterwards. But that will be another 10, maybe 20 years of life. And every day for me is a struggle. Every single day I have wanted to die. I have not had a single moment of joy in so many years. I'm just living for my parents so that once they go I can go too. But it's so hard and I don't know if I can manage it for another 10-20 years. I don't even know how I'll manage 5... I've been thinking a lot of passing away from a fake accident or going on a trip and "disappearing" somewhere with no ID. So that I do not have to break my parents heart with the truth. So that they can remember me with pride and in peace knowing that I died at my peak, happy and content. Though I love them I also resent them for making me live. I'm so young yet my youth is slipping, if it hasn't already completely slipped by. But I really don't want to do any of that. My parents rely on me for financial support. For emotional support. My mother only has me in her life. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this board...I guess just encouragement from other parents for me to pull through longer until my parents are alive. Encouragement that though I'm unhappy that I really do matter to my parents and that I am making them happy in THEIR lives even if it's through lies -that's all that matters to me is for them to be happy. I had a difficult childhood and they, especially my mother had a very difficult life. I want their silver years to be at peace, but I'm having a very very difficult time coping to survive and keep living this lie. As a parent please give me some guidance. I cannot tell my own what I feel or want to do but I wish I could speak them so much. I apologize if anyone is offended that I made this post in the love ones section. I know people are grieving here and I'm sorry for your loss.