I'm an OxyMORON.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MysteriousImpulse, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. MysteriousImpulse

    MysteriousImpulse New Member

    There's a part of me that isn't breathing. An important part. Like my bones, which are weak in the first place--I have about a third of the bone density a teenage girl should. This hasn't made things any easier.

    The world does not want me. I have known this since I was eight years old, maybe younger. The memories get fuzzy.

    All I want is to be so strong I can give hope to other people on this site. This is my goal. All I want is to be able to live up to the wonderfully blessed life I'm given. But I'm in pain and I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. I think I did something when I was young. Or something happened to me. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. But a part of me knows. And that's why I have this mysterious impulse. Or maybe not. But I have it. And I've had it all along, since I was eight or nine or ten. I invented another world and pretended THAT was where I wanted to go, not heaven. I protected myself that way.

    Now that world is going to be a YA fantasy novel. My heaven. My dreams. Same thing.

    I'm scared. What if nothing's wrong with me at all? What if all of this is just me pitching a fit at God for not making me perfect? What if this really is ultimate brattiness? I think that's what I'm scared of most of all.

    Help me. Why do I want to stop breathing? Why am I rejecting everything I should love? Why, dammit, why?

    The most wonderful, soul-dazzling man in the world is in love with me. I have the dream. Requited love. With a hero. With the man of my dreams, goddammit. I don't want to feel this way with him by my side. It's like slapping him in the face.

    So why? Why why why why why??
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain...if he loves you, he will love you as you are...know that you are not making things up...what you feel, you feel and that is where you have to start...have you considered talking to a professional to see if someone can help you get more of what you want? big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have such a kind person in your life I too think it would be benefit to you to see a professional to help you understand your feeling emotions thoughts To help you see more clearly I am sorry you are in so much pain and i hope your doctor can help decrease it some. Take care of you okay that is what is important YOU.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well the other two posters have said it all.. Go see your doctor and ask if he can refer you to a therapist.. It sounds like you have a wonderful life.. Don't let depression drag you down..