i'm an unworthy girl

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lissy, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. lissy

    lissy New Member

    im 19. i'm attractive(at least i'd like to think). i'm in college. have a roof over my head. and some family that i think loves me.

    when i was 4 my mother passed away in a car accident that i was a part of and remember very vividly..
    when she passed, me and my sister lived with my father for a little and then he kind of just stopped giving a damn about me and my little sister.
    ive had alot of hardships through my childhood, no permanent home. no real parent to raise us with morals and love us they only way a parent can give to a child.
    then i met me boyfriend (well ex boyfriend now) when i was 15. he was the best thing that ever happened to me, i thought he was my blessing until after a while when the relationship got out of the lovey dovey stage. and he kinda started being mean and i was very sad. i started sending pictures to other guys over the internet for constant approval that i looked good and that i was attractive.. nothing nude. but still not appropriate for a girl to be sending other guys when she is in a relationship. i dont know what it is with me never realizing how wrong it was for me to do that. he would find out about it every time too... and id feel horrible. and then id do it again. but you see he still was mean to me before any of this even started. then after being together for 3 years. i broke up with him cause i couldn't take it anymore and i made a huge mistake and got really drunk and slept with two guys over the course of the two months that we were broken up(one of these guys was his friend, i dont consider it completely my fault i didnt even remember it occuring, id like to say he took advantage of me)... when i decided i didnt want to live without him anymore i admitted to doing it with the one guy, but liked and denied about doing it with his friend. so we got back together. about three months ago, he found out i had been lying about his friend and he broke up with me and wouldnt talk to me.. so after a month i tried to move on. and when i did he wanted me back. this is where everything went very very wrong. i had sex with this guy i started dating, after my ex had told me he wanted me back and i wasnt sure what i wanted to do. and when i told my ex about me and this guy i was dating having sex he no longer showed interest in me other the for sex, 'sex buddies' he would say.. i stopped dating that guy, yet my ex still put all over facebook how much of a 'slut' i am and making me feel so horrible and worthless well now he is talking to some girl he met on fb and they are taking pictures together and stuff along those lines and its killing me inside. especially when he came up to me after sex and told me about her... ive been constantly crying my eyes out for the past week and i even cut myself which i hadnt done since before i met shawn. he even bought me an engagement ring.. and i really just want to end it all right this second. im unworthy to live. i screwed him over so badly and i know we are never going to be back together i just want to be with him. and with losing everyone ive lost in my life i just cant go on without him... i dont want to live and i really am debating on just getting it all over with....

    everyone keeps saying the same thing, smile, you will be ok. youll find someone better, your a gorgeous girl. i know i wont find any better. he is the only one for me.

    i just dont know what to do anymore. i just know that i dont want to live.
  2. torcheredartist

    torcheredartist New Member

    you deserve more respect then that, you deserve to be cared for. don't let him be the reason you give up, because it seems like there's more to you then there is to him. you should go to your family for help. I wish I could think of more to say at the moment. sorry if you think this is weird, but I'll pray for you.i hope things will turn out the best for you. :)
  3. lissy

    lissy New Member

    its just i cant stop dwelling on all of the bad things i did and just thinking that that was the only good thing that ever happened to me and now its gone :( but thank you i appreciate the prayers <3
  4. Sweetie, you are VERY young. Relationships take practice and mistakes are inevitable. He made some and you did to. That's ok though..... It's normal.....

    I'm 35 years old, still single and been with a lot of girls. I don't think you are a bad person. You have a big heart, and what you are feeling right now is very painful. I know believe me. You ARE going to be ok. As forward as this may sound, chock this up to a learning experience. If he's blasting you on FB, he's just an immature tool.

    Learn from mistakes and move on. It will make you a better, stronger person and you will be prepared for a great guy. And you WILL meet a great guy :)

    Hang in there ok *hugs*
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