Maybe it's the way people can be, whenever they talk shit about others. I hate it all sometimes. I'm just waiting for the right moment to strike someone who wrongs me. It's gotta be the absolute right moment, though. It's gotta a situation where I won't be punished. Some douchebag has to bully me or something. They've gotta hit me first. I've never been in a fight my whole life, but I really just want to hurt someone who decides to treat me like shit.
Today, I punched the microwave. Then I punched the TV not long after. I keep having these issues where I'm being bullied in my mind and I keep thinking it's reality. I'll go off and explode on people who really aren't even there. I keep doing this all the time. I fucking broke the microwave and shattered the hard plastic into pieces. I fucking cut my hand open in a few small places. Then I hurt my hand again when I punched the television screen. The odd thing is, I enjoy the pain. It feels good, to a certain extent. It's strange and I don't really like it. I need to stop and think, but the punching is entirely reactionary to whatever bullshit is happening in my head. It's just all in my head. I know that and yet, it becomes reality whenever I fantasize. I feel like a gigantic loser. If anyone knew that I had these problems, they'd think I were a loser. Let's be honest. They'd look at me and think, Loser. I have this problem and I wish to stop it but it's so hard. I don't really want to destroy things and be aggressive, but that's just what I've been doing lately. It's so strange. It makes me dislike myself to a certain extent. It makes me want to die.
I'm fine, but I do need a psychiatrist badly. I will never tell anyone other than a psychiatrist, my family, and the folks on here the kind of problems I have. They would judge the hell out of me and make me feel like garbage. I want to stop so badly. I really do and I will.
