Im angry.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by greyroses, Jun 22, 2014.

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  1. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    So I'm angry and I have no one to talk to and so here I am.

    And because I know everyone is very interested in why I'm angry: I'm mad because I feel like my attachments have me held hostage. My family, people I consider friends, social expectations (which is the very thing that sends me over the edge).

    It's not fair. Which is a ridiculously childish argument, I'm sure, but it is.

    I have to drudge through it all, over and over again, because of the harm it would do others.

    No, I dont want to do anyone else any harm in any capacity, but I hate the idea that one persons hurt supersedes anothers. Because I curl up into a nice quiet ball in the corner, that is the acceptable sacrifice?

    Its not a matter of this went wrong, or its a hard time in my life. I AM INCAPABLE OF IT, and have proven it to myself for the past 10 years. There is no getting better, only worse.

    I am completely uninterested in dragging it out, but trapped by the thought of the hurt it might cause others.

    My life now is a game, seeing how long it takes before I break in public, how many nights it will take before I get a night of rest, what will start of the panic attack, how many different ways I can come up with to torture myself throughout the day and into the night.

    And Im trapped in it, reduced to smiling and saying everything is fine because anything else is still just me talking to myself.

    This whole existence is just a series of well-crafted lies I stopped believing in and STILL. God, I HATE THIS. I HATE BREATHING. I HATE BEING. I CANT DO THIS and I dont KNOW which is crueler: That I should or that I shouldnt.
  2. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi grey roses, I do find that venting your anger and frustration on here does help. It does help me, I to have no one to talk to or any friends but I have just got used to that now. It's good to explode and write Down all your feelings on here so your doing the right thing.
  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm someone who really hates the idea of "obligations" a lot of the time; so, I understand where you're coming from. The last time I was really low, that was one of the main causes. I felt trapped in my own life. I felt like I had to put other people and what they wanted/expected out of me ahead of my own wants and needs. I spent so long like this where I developed a deep bitterness to those around me and began lashing when I was "set off." It felt good to get it out, but I knew me directing my anger towards family, friends, and those I worked with and for was just going to ultimately make my situation worse. Realizing that was the first step in me finding this place.

    I learned that when you put the needs of others' above your own that it should be a natural, smooth thing and never forced. That's why I would say you should put you first for now. Make decisions that benefit you. Something in life we have to be selfish, and if other people don't understand, then that's their problem, not yours. One thing that helped me a lot was to get away from a lot of the "negative" people in my life - people who I felt obligated to, but were abusing my generosity and giving me little in return. When people take advantage of your kindness, it is extremely unfair and I am very sorry to see this has been happening.

    If you want to be more specific in venting, feel free to PM me. I would definitely listen. Otherwise, keep talking it out on here. That was a big help to me when I felt like a hostage to my social obligations.
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