So I'm angry and I have no one to talk to and so here I am. And because I know everyone is very interested in why I'm angry: I'm mad because I feel like my attachments have me held hostage. My family, people I consider friends, social expectations (which is the very thing that sends me over the edge). It's not fair. Which is a ridiculously childish argument, I'm sure, but it is. I have to drudge through it all, over and over again, because of the harm it would do others. No, I dont want to do anyone else any harm in any capacity, but I hate the idea that one persons hurt supersedes anothers. Because I curl up into a nice quiet ball in the corner, that is the acceptable sacrifice? Its not a matter of this went wrong, or its a hard time in my life. I AM INCAPABLE OF IT, and have proven it to myself for the past 10 years. There is no getting better, only worse. I am completely uninterested in dragging it out, but trapped by the thought of the hurt it might cause others. My life now is a game, seeing how long it takes before I break in public, how many nights it will take before I get a night of rest, what will start of the panic attack, how many different ways I can come up with to torture myself throughout the day and into the night. And Im trapped in it, reduced to smiling and saying everything is fine because anything else is still just me talking to myself. This whole existence is just a series of well-crafted lies I stopped believing in and STILL. God, I HATE THIS. I HATE BREATHING. I HATE BEING. I CANT DO THIS and I dont KNOW which is crueler: That I should or that I shouldnt.