I'm asver b suicidal now as I have eeen. I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leary, Jul 12, 2010.

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  1. Leary

    Leary Member

    I'm miserable right now, beyond misery even. I feel like I'm only living to die at this point. Lately I've been spending just about every day either thinking about suicide or trying to convince myself that I should stick around a little while longer.

    As I'm writing this I'm tearing up, I never thought it would get this bad. A few months ago I actually had a glimmer of hope that I could get through this and start my life over. I don't think I can, I can't get over what I've done in my past and I can't forgive myself.

    I'm supposed to go back to school in September. Perhaps the operative word is go to school as I've yet to go to college. I'm 21, I'll be turning 22 in a matter of months. I'm scared to death over the prospect of attending school again for the first time over three years, with those three years being complete wastes. I turned into a total recluse at some point 2008. I barely go anywhere, family gatherings/parties, the store, walks occasionally - that's it. I've never worked because my depression and anxiety cripple me, I didn't even graduate high school, had to settle for a GED.

    I just hate myself. I hate the person that I allowed myself to become. How could I waste these last few years doing NOTHING and then go to school and fall right in line with all the other people? The people who are right out of high school, the people who are my age but have actual social lives, jobs and obligations. I can't do it. I've barely interacted with people not related to me in almost THREE YEARS. I don't even know what it's like to acquaintances. I've pretty much never talked to a member of the opposite sex... I'm a loser that even losers scoff at.

    I just feel like I'm finished. I sat in my parent's house watching my youth decompose. No one pushed me to fix myself so I didn't and now I don't want to because I'm not gonna play the catch-up game. I'm not gonna be able to talk to people at school and pretend that I didn't sit in front of a computer for three years barely speaking to anyone. I just can't start over.

    My entire day is consumed with two thoughts. Regret for living in isolation and not having any tales of social interaction, friends or romance and thoughts of suicide. How I should do it, when I should do it and if I should do it. I can't get over it and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can, I think I'm too far gone. I feel like I could make up for all my lost time in the next year and still be telling myself, "You could have done this two years ago, why did you wait? Why did you let yourself become consumed with fear and not leave the house?".

    I'm rambling now but I'm just in a panic. I can't be happy over anything. How many people could possibly be like this? Depressed, sure. Lonely, sure. But how many people can honestly tell me that they know how I feel? That they know what it's like to talk to a small handful of people for THREE YEARS at my young age? Everyone I know of in this age group either works or goes to school. They talk to people all the time. Even if they don't forge friendships they have human contact.

    I'm starting to drift into another topic so I'll stop. I just need some advice, maybe even someone to talk to if anyone would want to spare some of their time to converse. I need some sort of stability at this point, a distraction or something. I have no one to talk to.

    Thanks for reading..
  2. Leary

    Leary Member

    Damnit, my title got all screwed up somehow. Could a moderator or someone fix it for me? I can't edit topic titles. I have no idea what happened.
  3. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    We have a lot in common except I have a few years on you. GED, isolation, lack of romantic relationships. Isolation is my life, everyday. I have no friends. I have one family member left but I can barely stand them.

    I know you think you can't start over but that's just the negativity talking, the demons in your head. I have my own demons. I can't speak for you but for some having something like school can really help. It did for me. I'm not going to say it will fix everything. Yeah, I went to school but I'm in a horrible place in my life. Nobody has to know what you've been doing. If they happen to ask, I guess you could tell them you don't feel comfortable talking about it. If you get to know them and think they might understand, maybe then you can talk about it. I felt really awkward, by the way, with all the kids out of high school. I experienced more of a mixture of age groups at community college than the four year school I attended.

    I've thought quite a bit about if I ever get out of this how will I make up for all the wasted time. I guess if that time ever comes I'll have to accept that I can't get back those years. I'll just have to make the most of the time left. I don't know. That time hasn't come so who knows how I'll handle it.

    Yes, most of the people my age are working, have families, or whatever. Those people haven't been through what I have. Those people haven't lived with the depression I have. For the most part, at some point, I learned to not compare myself to others like that. I still do it sometimes, though.

    I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start rambling and probably not helping much.

    Are you getting any help, therapist, psychiatrist?
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I think it is amazing you are going back to school you should be proud of your self I really mean that I have been wanting to do things for years, but it is the anxeity isn't it, do not regret that you have not done things for the past few years because you have something to look forward too, and hopefully people will accept you for being you. It does not matter where you have been and what you have done, that is all in the past. You have something to look forward to and hopefully build some new better memories. I wish you luck I really do.

    Take Care


    PS I mess up titles all the time so don't worry, I also ramble a lot at times. :mhmm:
  5. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But do not give up Leary.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Leary. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down right now, but I'm glad to hear that you will be going back to school in september. Going back to school after taking a few years off can be a scary experience, but once you start going to college, I'm sure that you'll fit right in. You're only 22 and I'm sure that there will be many other people your age or even older. When I went to university, there were many adult students who attended, though the majority of the students were out of highschool.

    The key to overcoming social anxiety is by taking small steps. Start by going out places like the grocery store and work your way up to social gatherings like night clubs etc. You still have a lot to live for. Don't give up. :hug:
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Leary,

    Dont worry it can all be fixed. Im praying for you and hope you do too. There is so much time to turn it all around. Regrets fade when we take action and live in the now. Believe me!!!! Lets get a new plan and start a new life for you today. Try 12 step groups for help and new friends. Its helped me. We are always here too. You have been through so much and are a good soul. I am on your side!!!! PLEASE STAY WITH US!!!!

    Write me if you like,

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