I'm miserable right now, beyond misery even. I feel like I'm only living to die at this point. Lately I've been spending just about every day either thinking about suicide or trying to convince myself that I should stick around a little while longer. As I'm writing this I'm tearing up, I never thought it would get this bad. A few months ago I actually had a glimmer of hope that I could get through this and start my life over. I don't think I can, I can't get over what I've done in my past and I can't forgive myself. I'm supposed to go back to school in September. Perhaps the operative word is go to school as I've yet to go to college. I'm 21, I'll be turning 22 in a matter of months. I'm scared to death over the prospect of attending school again for the first time over three years, with those three years being complete wastes. I turned into a total recluse at some point 2008. I barely go anywhere, family gatherings/parties, the store, walks occasionally - that's it. I've never worked because my depression and anxiety cripple me, I didn't even graduate high school, had to settle for a GED. I just hate myself. I hate the person that I allowed myself to become. How could I waste these last few years doing NOTHING and then go to school and fall right in line with all the other people? The people who are right out of high school, the people who are my age but have actual social lives, jobs and obligations. I can't do it. I've barely interacted with people not related to me in almost THREE YEARS. I don't even know what it's like to acquaintances. I've pretty much never talked to a member of the opposite sex... I'm a loser that even losers scoff at. I just feel like I'm finished. I sat in my parent's house watching my youth decompose. No one pushed me to fix myself so I didn't and now I don't want to because I'm not gonna play the catch-up game. I'm not gonna be able to talk to people at school and pretend that I didn't sit in front of a computer for three years barely speaking to anyone. I just can't start over. My entire day is consumed with two thoughts. Regret for living in isolation and not having any tales of social interaction, friends or romance and thoughts of suicide. How I should do it, when I should do it and if I should do it. I can't get over it and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can, I think I'm too far gone. I feel like I could make up for all my lost time in the next year and still be telling myself, "You could have done this two years ago, why did you wait? Why did you let yourself become consumed with fear and not leave the house?". I'm rambling now but I'm just in a panic. I can't be happy over anything. How many people could possibly be like this? Depressed, sure. Lonely, sure. But how many people can honestly tell me that they know how I feel? That they know what it's like to talk to a small handful of people for THREE YEARS at my young age? Everyone I know of in this age group either works or goes to school. They talk to people all the time. Even if they don't forge friendships they have human contact. I'm starting to drift into another topic so I'll stop. I just need some advice, maybe even someone to talk to if anyone would want to spare some of their time to converse. I need some sort of stability at this point, a distraction or something. I have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading..