I'm at that point - A fork in the road

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jacobtheamish, Jul 5, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. jacobtheamish

    jacobtheamish Member

    Hi guys and girls. I'm 29 and live alone, I have loving parents, step parents and siblings. As far as I am aware I do not suffer from depression nor do I take any medication. I would like to stop my life now rather than continue the lonely existance I feel I lead. I do not want my parents to be upset nor do I want them to blame themselves, it is an issue of mine and nothing they can help me with. I have not experienced any wrongs in my life, not sexually abused etc.
    I have looked into the most painless ways to commit, I would like to sleep and not wake up thats all. The suicide bag and nitrogen gas seems like the most humane way.
    Then there is what to write in a letter, I want to make sure my family realise it was not there fault and that there is nothing they could do. Maybe I could leave the link to this site so they can read this post
    My parents gifted me the life I have and it feels somewhat selfish to and maybe not my choice to end it, But I feel I would be happy without the pain I currently feel.
    Maybe people reading this who have had loved ones die, might have a better understanding of just why there is sometime the need for closure.

    Thank you

    Jacob (i'm not amish and nor is my name jacob)
  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Of course your parents are going to be upset if you suicide, and they will probably feel guilt over it as well. Have you ever seen a psychiatrist before? If not you really should.
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    What exactly is causing your pain?
  4. jacobtheamish

    jacobtheamish Member

    I visited the local hospital about 5 years ago after telling my GP that I wanted to die. He was a very pleasent chap, and he asked me about my private life which did not seem that relevant. The issues of lonliness existed then as they do now. I fail to see how I can be 'healed', it seems others only have the ability to postpone the end. I no longer wish to postpone it
  5. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Why are you lonely? No girlfriend/boyfriend? Do you have other friends?
  6. jacobtheamish

    jacobtheamish Member

    I don't have a girlfriend and havent for the last five years, I have tried but unsuccessful. People have said to not look and it will happen but that hasn't worked either. The fork in the road for me is do I keep trying or just accept what I have. The one thing I am certain of is that I dont want to be old and lonely, feeling as I do now
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh man you do have depression and you need to see a therapist and get on medication If you want to meet someone it is not just going to happen you have to put yourself out there. Join groups meet people with your same interest If you want something to happen you have to make it happen really.
    there are many ways to meet people shopping swimming walking on the beach. I think a therapist will help you see with a clearer mind and a more optimistic one please try. Your reaching out here is a start continue to do so and also in the real world take care
  8. jacobtheamish

    jacobtheamish Member

    Hey guys just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to post replies. I joined SF to try and find people to talk about this problem with. I dont want to discuss with friends or family as I want to hurt them as little as possible.

    I have considered further therapy or medication, but that wont make me good looking, charming or find me a girlfriend.
    The dealer gave me cards that I just cant play with anymore, I'm on a losing streak maybe
  9. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    How many girls do you ask out in a typical week? Do you think you have low self-esteem?
  10. jacobtheamish

    jacobtheamish Member

    I've asked lots out but the 100% rejection has got me to a point where I no longer feel i can do it anymore. I know I should keep trying but theres a certain point where you cant take another 'no'. I joined a dating site and sent out almost 50 messages with not one reply. I changed the picture to one of a mate and sent the same messages out again, got a reply to most of them and even messages from girls i hadnt contacted. Thats why I say the cards I have aren't good enough. I'm not going to become attractive to the opposite sex just by going to a therapist
  11. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Why does your existence hang on finding a mate?
    Remember, all that follows is my opinion:
    If you put me in a large room filled with women I will be attracted to the absolute worst one there. It has happened in the past and I see no reason it won't keep continuing to happen.
    If I should by an extremely chance stumble into a relationship with a decent woman I would probably find a way to fuck it up. Me myself am better off alone, I don't want to poison another's life with my own. I am toxic and accept it.
    I have two dogs and two cats, they don't manipulate me or screw around on me and they are always happy to see me come home.
    Perhaps a pet/pets may be an option for you? Even a goldfish?
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Looks are not everything Are you telling me that what it takes to get a date
    There are people totally opposite from each other dating young dating old
    large people dating skinny Total 10 babes dating crazy wild people It is not only your looks it is who you are inside. Figure out what your interest are and join a group with those interest and you will meet people whom you can relate to. Don't give up trying It took me along time didn't meet someone till 30s Compassion sincere and caring there is somone out there even if you have to try another 100 times it will be worth it when the right person comes
    always hope
  13. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    If those women are only looking for attractive men (I'm not saying that you aren't), then they are not right for you! You deserve better.

    Also, rejection is part of life. You can never tell how something will go.
  14. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    You talked about a fork in in the road. Whether to keep trying or to give up.

    Keep trying, keep breathing.
    You have people here who are here to listen, to give support.
    Why do you place such an importance on finding a girlfriend?
  15. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    Sometimes people aren't ready to commit to a "date" if they don't know you very well. Dating can scare people, especially shy people. If you haven't before, maybe you should try joining some activity groups that you like anyway and make friends with some girls without expecting a relationship to come from it. If you find a girl you like, invite her to go see an afternoon movie you both want to see or something low-key like that that allows you two to spend time together without the scary implications of dating. If that works out, then maybe after a few non-dates, see if she would be interested in something more traditionally date-like, like dinner. If she isn't, then you can probably still be friends (with the added bonus that she might set you up with a more compatable friend of hers later) or, if she agrees, then that's a good sign she's into you.

    Looks aren't everything. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd rather have an average-looking guy with a good personality and similar interests than a traditionally handsome guy who I have nothing in common with. And often, people have different ideas about what "good looking" means. My husband would definately not make the cover of GQ, but he's the hottest guy in the world to me. The chances are in your favor that there's some girl out there who would jump all over you if you gave her the opportunity. It's not at all uncommon for guys to wait til their 30s to get married, so you shouldn't feel bad about it. And even if you don't have someone, there are tons of things you could do with your life. You could focus on your family and your career, or you could join the Big Brothers program and mentor a kid or really anything.

    But, all that aside, it would probably help to talk to a therapist. Most of them are pretty good about finding ways to help you, and you owe it to yourself to exhaust every other possibility before taking your life. You sound like a really nice guy who really cares about your family, and it would be a shame for the world to lose someone like that.
  16. I believe that you will be happier living than not. But, since you don't see it this way, let me say something I think you probably will, after consideration, agree with. Namely: if you kill yourself, you will smash your parents' and siblings' lives. Wounds close in time, in years or decades, but the scars are always there. Also, family deaths by suicide are a risk factor for suicide, so you may well inspire your siblings, or their eventual children, to kill themselves as well. These are deep, primal matters, against which words in a note can provide no defense.

    All of us here know pain, and loneliness is unthinkably painful. Knowing so well what suffering is, will we try to unburden ourselves of it by passing it to others? We did not ask to be born, nor did others ask for us to be born, with our unexpected problems, our inscrutable difficulties. But here we all are, and now we must feel out how best to do and to be.

    Give your life a chance, the best chance you can — not only for others' sake, but for your own sake. Please, go see a counselor. The doctor you saw may have been a good man, but as a doctor he didn't do right by you. (That is common among GPs dealing with emotional problems.) It may take meeting more than one therapist before you find the best match; but persevere. Medicine might help you — not in the sense of solving your problems, but in the sense of somewhat relieving your pain while you work toward solutions. (For example, you may simply not be very good at forming relationships, but this is an ability that can be acquired with help.)

    There may be things, even quite small things, that you can do to improve your appearance. (For example, there are forums that deal with appearance and fashion for men, where participants critique pictures and offer suggestions.) But, while it only makes sense to look one's best, remember that women who care mainly about looks are not women most men could be happy with in the long term. Looks change — what then? A good woman (or man) isn't like that. attack_amazon's comment sums it up:

    Finally, it seems to me that you'll do better if you don't give all your attention to finding someone to be with, or even to your mental state in general. If you are not receiving the love you want, don't let that stop you from giving love: not romantic love, but the love of charity, of kindness, of self-offering for the sake of others. There is of course poverty of every kind all around us — a thousand opportunities to wrench our focus from our own felt needs. Try taking the the ones that most move you, even if only slightly.

    Please be in touch — let us know how you are doing!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.